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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29061186">Lover</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cpt_winniethepooh/pseuds/cpt_winniethepooh'>cpt_winniethepooh</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Taylor Swift Songfics 'Verse [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Albumfic, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Anxiety, Avengers Family, BDSM, Bondage, Bottom Steve Rogers, Coming Out, Dom/sub Play, Domestic Bliss, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, Flashbacks, Fluff, Homophobia, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mixed Media, Pride Parades, Slice of Life, Social Commentary, Songfic, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Therapy, Top Bucky Barnes, Twitter</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 08:13:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>76,536</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29061186</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cpt_winniethepooh/pseuds/cpt_winniethepooh</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"But we've never been here together, and I've always wanted to take someone on a date exactly here, on one of these benches. I always imagined bringing a pretty girl out on a sunny afternoon and winning her something stuffed for her birthday," he smiled, and Bucky couldn't help but smile back.</p><p>"But you never did?"</p><p>"Nope. Who would've I brought?" </p><p>"Rogers, your life has been filled with disappointing people," Bucky proclaimed, making Steve bark out a laugh.</p><p>"I don't know about that, but now it's okay," he smiled, and nudged Bucky with his shoulder meaningfully.</p><p>"Even though I'm not a pretty girl and it's not a warm, sunny day?"</p><p>"It's not your fault you were born on this day," Steve said, and his eyes shone bright. "Happy birthday, Buck."</p><p> </p><p>The continued Love Story of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, aka Captain America and the Winter Soldier, set to the tune and narrative of Taylor Swift's album Lover.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Sharon Carter/Natasha Romanov</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Taylor Swift Songfics 'Verse [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1322519</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>111</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. without all the exes, fights, and flaws we wouldn't be standing here so tall</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Whew okay, so this was my 2019 nanovel XD I fully planned to edit and publish it in early 2020 but that obviously didn't happen, but hey, better late than never!</p><p>The chapters, as usual, follow the narrative of a Taylor Swift song, this time from the album <em>Lover</em>. (Her latest album at the time of writing, but she came out with TWO more albums since then which is wild.) You can listen to the album <a href="https://open.spotify.com/album/1NAmidJlEaVgA3MpcPFYGq">here</a> :) I don't know how much sense this story makes without reading <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840105"><em>Reputation</em></a>, but the basics are that Steve and Bucky met as adults as teammates in the Avengers and had to deal with preconceptions about each other as they fell in love. <br/>Just like everything I write, this, too, has been hugely inspired by Speranza's <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/series/197993">4 Minute Window</a> series which is just that amazing.</p><p>Huge thanks to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilyPotteri/pseuds/LilyPotteri">Lily</a> for the cheer-reading! &lt;3 &lt;3 &lt;3 </p><p>Chapter 1: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/4y5bvROuBDPr5fuwXbIBZR"><em>Paper Rings</em></a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Kiss you once 'cause I know you had a long night </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kiss you twice 'cause it's gonna be alright </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Three times 'cause you waited your whole life </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The weather was grey and windy on the second Wednesday of March so Bucky was somewhat surprised when Steve told him to dress warmly because they were going out.</p><p>"Can't we stay indoors today?" Bucky asked.</p><p>"You'll love it," Steve said, then faltered. "I hope, at least."</p><p><em> That </em> had Bucky out of the bed to kiss the uncertainty away. "I'm sure, baby. Where are we going?"</p><p>They took the G-train first, then changed to the F-line, and Steve still wouldn't tell him, just led him to where they could clearly hear the waves crashing against the shore and the seagulls screaming above. </p><p>"Coney Island?" Bucky asked, bewildered.</p><p>Steve nodded, and they walked on.</p><p>Most of the attractions were closed. They would open after Easter, but that was still a while away, which the uninviting weather mirrored. Only one other couple was walking along the shore, their dogs running along the water, small in the distance like Lego figurines. Signs creaked in the wind, and along with the dust everywhere it reminded Bucky of the setting of a post-apocalyptic movie. </p><p>There was just something strange about being in a place that was supposed to be full of people, like an empty shopping mall or a stadium. He shook himself and pulled his leather jacket closer around himself.</p><p>Steve clearly had a destination in mind and he walked them to the benches on the beach, where on one side the waves were still coming in, one after the other, and on the other side gaped the empty entertainment fixtures. </p><p>Bucky sat down next to him, still full of questions, but this time, Steve didn't need prompting.</p><p>"When I was a kid I could never afford a ride, or even a hot dog, but I still loved coming here," he said. "I watched the people and sketched a lot and dreamed of being able to have enough money for this one day."</p><p>Bucky nodded, understanding the feeling. </p><p>"By that time it had changed a lot," Steve went on. "But some things remain the same. The Cyclone, for instance, despite that some want to modernize it because it's not very safe. The food is almost the same too, and of course, the beach – and the atmosphere. People come here to have a lovely evening, eat and drink and take the rides, take a chance at the shooting booth and go on the Ferris wheel. They have a first date, or even an engagement here."</p><p>When Steve stopped abruptly, Bucky looked at him. "But we've had both." </p><p>"We did," Steve agreed. "But we've never been here together, and I've always wanted to take someone on a date exactly here, on one of these benches. I always imagined bringing a pretty girl out on a sunny afternoon and winning her something stuffed for her birthday," he smiled, and Bucky couldn't help but smile back.</p><p>"But you never did?"</p><p>"Nope. Who would've I brought?" </p><p>"Rogers, your life has been filled with disappointing people," Bucky proclaimed, making Steve bark out a laugh.</p><p>"I don't know about that, but now it's okay," he smiled, and nudged Bucky with his shoulder meaningfully.</p><p>"Even though I'm not a pretty girl and it's not a warm, sunny day?"</p><p>"It's not your fault you were born on this day," Steve said, and his eyes shone bright. "Happy birthday, Buck."</p><p>Bucky’s heart beat faster and lighter as he realized that this was Steve willing to let him in. His walls ran so high that sometimes Bucky doubted that he himself knew how to knock an opening in them, yet here he was, talking not just about his past – which he did more and more often – but about his present, too. </p><p>"Thank you, Stevie."</p><p>Steve leaned in for a kiss, and Bucky obliged him. </p><p>"At least nobody is out here with us," Bucky said when they parted. Steve just pulled him in again, then again, seemingly incapable of letting him go now that he was there. </p><p>"I wouldn't care if they were," Steve said later with passion.</p><p>"I would," Bucky said. "We have a plan in place for a reason, to avoid what happened to me happening to you."</p><p>The last, the very, very last thing Bucky wanted was for Steve to be forcibly outed too. But of course Steve replied with jerking his shoulder, as if to say, fuck it. </p><p>Bucky took his hand and laced their gloved fingers together.</p><p>"Thank you for bringing me out here, even if it's cold and everything is closed." </p><p>A wry smile appeared on Steve’s lovely lips. "Yeah, bad weather never factored into my childhood fantasies." </p><p>"And they shouldn't," Bucky agreed. "I'm not cold, anyway. Your hand keeps me warm." </p><p>Steve squeezed it in response, and with his other hand he reached into his coat pocket.</p><p>"There's also this, because a walk in an empty attraction park is a lame gift," he said, and popped the box open. </p><p>Bucky's eyes widened as he took in the two, smooth black rings on the blue velvet cushion. </p><p>"Shuri finally shipped them.”</p><p>"They are even more beautiful than what I expected," Bucky said after he swallowed hard, throat suddenly dry at the sight.</p><p>They had picked the black, a non-traditional color, which would be inconspicuous on missions, and Shuri designed them out of vibranium. Bucky took his gloves off and ran his fingertip along the metal, which was so similar yet very different to his left arm. </p><p>Steve took the right one out of the box, then put the box down to take Bucky's hand into his, and pulled the ring onto the fourth finger of Bucky's left hand. Bucky admired the way the dim light reflected on the surface, the way it felt around his prosthetic, then he took the other band out and ever so gently pulled it onto Steve's ring finger.</p><p>"Perfect," Steve said in awe. </p><p>Bucky nodded, then laughed. "Lucky me, I have a few months to figure out what to get to you. Maybe I'll just bring you out here, the weather should be nice in July."</p><p>Steve nodded absent-mindedly, then came to a visible halt. </p><p>"Um," he said, and Bucky's alarms went off. He knew that tone of voice, and knew that it never meant well.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"About that. My birthday isn't <em> actually </em> the 4th of July."</p><p>Bucky blinked, then blinked again. Steve used the excuse of putting the empty jewelry box away to avoid looking into Bucky's eyes. </p><p>"Explain," Bucky said. That was the best strategy with Steve, really: to the point orders, no beating around the bush, otherwise Steve would evade until kingdom come. With orders, of course, the danger was that Steve would point blank refuse to obey, except in very special circumstances that involved Bucky giving them.</p><p>"Captain America needed a birthday, and of course it was the 4th of July," Steve sighed, and looked at Bucky apologetically. "When I woke up in the 21th century, everybody assumed that was <em> my </em> birthday as well."</p><p>It still broke Bucky's heart over and over again that Steve looked so sorry for things he had no control over. What broke it even more was seeing how much Captain America took out of Steve, how it covered and sprawled until there was barely any space left for Steve. </p><p>"Just like how they assumed you have a driving license, and that you're straight, and that you don't swear," Bucky said softly, and Steve nodded miserably. </p><p>"And just like with those things, I failed to correct them."</p><p>"You didn’t have control over your image for decades," Bucky pointed out, and when Steve opened his mouth to protest, Bucky shook his head. "Nor did I, remember? I know what it's like."</p><p>Steve snapped his mouth shut and nodded. "Yeah," he sighed, and leaned his head onto Bucky's shoulder. Bucky put an arm around him and pulled him close. </p><p>"When’s your birthday?" he asked. "Have I missed it?"</p><p>"No, it's the 5th of April." </p><p>"Coney Island may still be too cold then," Bucky said, his hand running in circles on Steve's back. "But we should come back in the summer anyway."</p><p>"I don't need anything for my birthday," Steve said softly. "Just... be there with me?" </p><p>"Of course," Bucky said, and wanted to envelope Steve, to hide and protect him from the world. "But I think you deserve more than that, honey. Especially after these," he lifted his hand to show off his ring. </p><p>"I don't even like the idea of engagements on holidays," Steve grumbled, and Bucky smiled.</p><p>"Nor do I, but this is different."</p><p>"Yeah?" Steve asked.</p><p>"Yeah," Bucky promised, and then let Steve take him home, where fancy take-out and chilled wine awaited them to crown an already perfect birthday. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @rakefirehiny: @JBarnes is not worthy of being an Avenger #notmyavenger #sendbarneshome</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: @rakefirehiny The Avengers are a diverse group but still not as diverse as the world is. @JBarnes has every right to be here.</p><p>Bucky's lips curled into an involuntary smirk. Steve, bless his soul, couldn't stand down whenever someone went after Bucky – well, whenever someone went after Bucky in a specific way that triggered Steve's overprotective instincts and he saw red. The list of people finding some (usually unfair) problem with Bucky was too long, but when they demanded that Bucky leave the team, Steve stepped in immediately.</p><p>It was nice, even though he had to snort at the idea of the Red Room's Winter Soldier asking for help. Yeah, that would've went down well with his handlers. But with the help of Shuri and Nat, he put himself back together, which not even Rumlow was able to destroy.</p><p>And then Steve came, and Bucky gained a new best friend, a wonderful colleague, the sex partner of his dreams, and also the fiercest ally he could ever dream of. </p><p>Having Steve in his corner took the sting out of every mean tweet, every unjust comment, every dehumanizing tactic. </p><p> </p><p>"Earth to Loverboy," Sam's pillow hit Bucky's right bicep, and Bucky scowled reflexively. "Quit daydreaming and get to work."</p><p>"I'm gonna paint <em> you </em> blue next if you keep pestering me," Bucky replied, and shook his roller menacingly in Sam's direction. Little blue flecks flew everywhere, emphasizing his words. </p><p>"I'll tell the whole world that you are bullying me," Sam fired back without missing a beat.</p><p>"If you mean I'm the one who is helping you redecorate, then by all means," Bucky said.</p><p>"You've been more of a hindrance than help," Sam said. A blatant lie: Bucky's untiring left arm was what saved the day, ie. Sam's new deep blue accent wall in his kitchen/living room. Even Steve's super-serumed body couldn't keep up with the Wakandan technology, and Bucky had taken on painting the higher levels as the flesh and bone limbs got more tired with time. </p><p>"You would've asked Tony to invent a robot that paints for you if we didn't agree to help," Bucky pointed out. "In fact, you already have."</p><p>"Redwing is <em>not </em>for painting my room," Sam spluttered, and Bucky grinned. "Fuck you."</p><p>"Wouldn't you like to do that," Steve interjected as he stepped in from the door. </p><p>"I wouldn't," Sam said indignantly and scowled at Steve for daring to suggest such blasphemy. Bucky had to swallow down another grin in order to plant a kiss onto Steve's lips – then another, for good measure, then a third to annoy Sam some more.</p><p>"Good," Steve said empathically. "He's mine, so hands off."</p><p>"We know," Nat chimed in and patted Steve's shoulder. She always carried herself with a confidence that made Bucky forget how tiny she actually was, and it needed a stark contrast, like Steve, to remind Bucky of the fact. </p><p>"Yeah, you haven't been subtle," Sharon agreed and threw a bottle of beer at Sam. The three had proclaimed a need for a beverage break and left Sam and Bucky behind, which led to the incessant bickering situation. Not that Bucky minded too much. He tolerated Sam because he was the closest Steve had to a family, other than Bucky, and he would be Steve's best man, and Bucky's thoughts came to a sudden halt again, still half-holding onto Steve from their kiss. </p><p>This, this was exactly why Bucky didn't mind when Steve called him his. He had been called the Red Room's before, and when he got his mind under control, he had resented that almost as much as the killings he was forced to do. To them, he had been nothing more than a thing, a weapon to be used, and the first time Steve repeated the words – 'You're mine' – little bugs began to crawl on his skin and he had to fight back the urge to take a hot shower and scrub his mind clean of the memories. </p><p>But being Steve's didn't mean losing his agency or his will. He belonged to Steve just as much as Steve belonged to him; he was wearing Bucky's dog tags, he was officially Bucky's next of kin at SHIELD, and soon they would be legally together as well. They were more than two singulars, they were an item, a 'them'. </p><p>And on the chain around Bucky’s neck was the new black ring, and the new, wonderful memories overwrote his horrible past.</p><p>"Do something with him, for God's sake, because we'll never finish if he keeps floating away," Sam told Steve. </p><p>"Let him float, he deserves it," Nat interjected with an honest smile sent Bucky's way, and Bucky's heart thumped gratefully. Even Sam conceded, the lines of his face softening: he understood what it meant for a veteran to come home, after all. </p><p>"And I painted more than you and Steve together," Bucky said, which had the desired effect of Sam throwing his roller at Bucky and thereby splattering blue all over not only Sharon and Nat, but also the nylon lumps of his furniture and lamps. </p><p>"Good thing we covered everything," Steve concluded some time later, his hair still a half-blue mess of spikes. </p><p>"I told you we'd need it," Nat sing-songed. "But I'm going to avenge this on our next mission, Wilson," she lifted her lower arm, where the skin would carry the smudged color for days. Sam gulped.</p><p>"This day was worth it after all," Bucky concluded, and Steve's laugh joined his in agreement. </p><p> </p><p>They stayed at Sam's that whole weekend to help him refurbish his new rental house. Even though the days were getting longer and brighter, Bucky still couldn't help but miss the hot Wakandan Sun – spring in Wakanda was always beautiful. But DC wasn't so bad, even if the people did stop to stare and take photos of them whenever they went out without a disguise, unlike in New York. The ragtags still often put him on the front page when something happened on Twitter, but each day it was easier to bear.</p><p>The backlash was quieting down as the public realized that Fury had no intention of actually kicking Bucky out, that the Avengers – especially Steve – supported him, and that there were other, more interesting things to be outraged about. </p><p>Bucky followed Nat's and Shuri's advice, and only checked in to social media every once in a while to interact with Steve a bit, then he logged out without checking his notifications. Sadly he had enough experience in dealing with trauma to know that he needed to protect his mental health first and foremost, and if that involved shutting the world out, then so be it. The last thing he wanted was another breakdown, like the one before Christmas that ended in them running away. </p><p>There would be another, bigger backlash, when Steve came out and when the world found out they were together. Bucky needed to spare his mental energy in preparation of that, and in his opinion, Steve should've as well. However, Steve had no interest in being reserved or subtle – like, ever. </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @FoxNews: @realmillner from Alliance for Traditional Family and Parenting calls for petition to remove Avengers teaching material from elementary schools</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from Steve: @FoxNews @realmillner yes, because having the Avengers mentioned in schools is THE problem with the education system</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from CNN: Captain America condemns the US's education system. Whatch what experts think.</p><p> </p><p>Bucky volunteered to get them coffee and Nat caught up with him on the corner.</p><p>"Hm?" Bucky lifted an eyebrow at her. She pulled her jacket closer around herself and shrugged.</p><p>"Too much testosterone in the room, and that includes Sharon. I need fresh air."</p><p>"As fresh as it can get," Bucky said, again, still slightly longing for Wakanda. </p><p>"It's better than the Apple," Nat pointed out, and Bucky didn't protest. "And you love being wherever Steve is, anyway."</p><p>He pulled his scarf over his nose to cover his blush. "Can you blame me?" </p><p>"Certainly not," Nat scoffed. "I'm just saying, it's a wonder nobody caught the two of you yet."</p><p>"I ain't a spy for nothing," Bucky said, and she snorted. </p><p>"Steve isn't, though, but you taught him well."</p><p>"He needed it," Bucky said, and he batted the mental image of Steve as an over-eager Golden Retriever away. "He still can't stop fighting strangers on the net though."</p><p>"You aren't a wizard. Ask Strange if you want miracles."</p><p>Bucky shook his head. "I like how Steve is just fine."</p><p>"You are still in the honeymoon phase," she said, and her voice was suddenly serious. Bucky looked down at her in surprise. "Your faith in Steve can lead you astray."</p><p>"Could you be more cryptic?" Bucky asked in a low voice. Someone looked at him suspiciously from the other side of the sidewalk, then concluded it was nothing and turned around. Bucky decided that the scarf was a better disguise than his beard, which he kept after Wakanda – the only downside being that he couldn’t shave it for missions and regrow it in a day for the perfect camouflage. Maybe he <em> should </em> talk to Strange after all. "You are only mildly vague yet menacing." </p><p>"There will be so many bumps on your journey. Keep your head at the wheel, not only your heart," she said unhelpfully. </p><p>"I will," he said. "I have."</p><p>"I know," she said. She had been the one he called up, after all, when he had thought that Steve was breaking up with him after the Halloween party. He had endured decades and torture and the equally exhausting aftermath, and yet those few days had been amongst the darkest, bleakest, most hopeless he ever went through. Nat hadn't said anything to him other than that it wasn't Steve's style to do something like this, that he was too honest to leave Bucky hanging, but Bucky had heard what she didn't say: that she would skin Steve alive if he hurt Bucky. "Steve has his flaws, some of which you are overlooking now because you're still in your honeymoon phase. I want you to be prepared, because you'll need to work some stuff out for this to work."</p><p>"You were the one who played matchmaker," Bucky said.</p><p>"Because you <em> can </em> make this work, I just know it. But whenever you look like you are ready to die for him I worry, for both of you."</p><p>"I'd like to think I'm more rational than that," Bucky said in a measured voice.</p><p>"We all tell lies to ourselves that make us sleep better," she said. "I'm not saying this to make you worry, but as a fair warning. Hold onto what you love."</p><p><em> That </em> was an advice Bucky could live with, and he nodded.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe she had a point, Bucky reckoned later as he recalled Tony's New Year's Eve party. </p><p>They had flown home from Wakanda after saying goodbye to the sunny fields and acclimatized to the knee-high snow with little enthusiasm. Even though the roof of the Tower had been cleaned of snow, not even Tony was able to heat up the whole open-air area, but of course they had to stay outside to watch the fireworks in the freezing cold. Nobody could quite clearly recall the next day why they decided that was a good idea, but it was probably because of the inhuman amounts of alcohol consumed.</p><p>Bucky and Steve weren’t drunk, at least not on alcohol. The Avengers welcomed them home loudly and enthusiastically, making them forget the reason they had to leave in the first place. Bucky felt at home amongst the unruly bunch and he couldn't wait to kiss Steve when the clock struck midnight.</p><p>Then the conversation turned to how Steve had never quite gotten used to small, old aircrafts and how both him and Bucky resented the cold, and a dare may have been involved – and Steve never backed down from a dare. Steve never backed down from anything, really, which was one of the many things Bucky loved about him. Eventually, however, it all culminated in Steve commanding JARVIS to open the roof of the built-in swimming pool – the same pool near which Steve had convinced Bucky to give him a chance all those months ago, under the brutal Summer sunlight, but then it glittered under the harsh moonlight, giving off an unwelcoming, cold and dark vibe. </p><p>Steve ignored the atmosphere. He stepped to Bucky, sneaked his arms around his waist to pull him close, and kissed him with abandon. Then he pulled away, hips still close, his eyes blown dark. They met halfway again in silent, perfect understanding, and when Steve finally stepped away, Bucky drew him back for a third kiss, just to be safe. </p><p>Then Steve took a deep breath, lounged, and dove feet first into the horrible, unforgiving cold water.</p><p>Everybody cheered and yelled, and Bucky couldn't breathe until Steve emerged again, spitting out water through clattering teeth.</p><p>Their eyes met, and then Bucky took the five necessary steps to the edge of the pool, and by the last one he was running, then he jumped and landed right next to Steve. And somehow, despite the absolutely frosty weather and the ungodly experience of being fully clothed in a cold pool of water, they were laughing at each other like children.</p><p>"You wouldn't be laughing if you got pneumonia," Pepper said, shaking the cold drops off of her hands that got splashed. But they didn't; perks of the supersoldier serum. They spent the rest of the evening, and in fact most of the next day, curled up under warm blankets, their feet tangled together; made hot soup to banish the memory of the chill from their bones, then cleaned the glitter and the empty bottles out after the rest of the team.</p><p>Somehow, even the coldest of winters felt less cold with Steve. It was the wildest, calmest, loudest, quietest and best New Year's Eve and Day Bucky ever had, and he wanted to spend all of the remaining ones with Steve. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Once upon a time Bucky had been plagued with nightmares; memories, echoes of his past that haunted him, suffocating until he wanted to crawl his own brain out just to stop the <em> hurt </em>. He could still recall how agonizingly tired he had been – there seemed to be years of his life that passed in a blur, first at a SHIELD facility, then at Wakanda and even in New York. He remembered staring at the ceiling, watching the lights pass under his window, and wishing for any sort of relief. Blaming and hating himself for every single thing that ever happened, and then blaming himself some more for his unhealthy thoughts come morning.</p><p>Nowadays he still found himself awake at night, but for a different reason. The part of him that expected Steve to vanish into nothingness shrunk with every day, but he knew it would never disappear completely. Yet to hear his exhales and inhales beside himself, the soft rustling of the sheets as he turned, even the soft grunts, his vocalized dreams – to feel him twitch as he gave up consciousness, to hear a loud sigh every once in a while, ones that made the mattress vibrate – that was a luxury he wanted to enjoy every moment of. </p><p>Bucky just lay on his side on certain nights, when his past wanted to drag him underneath into devastating waves again, and he watched Steve sleep in the dim light. It was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the most calming thing he had ever witnessed. Steve not only invited him into his bed, but trusted him enough to have him there when his mind was elsewhere, and Bucky, who had his control and his life taken away from him to be used, mutilated, destroyed, understood the significance like not many others on Earth. </p><p>And then he got the ring, and watching Steve took a backseat to Bucky watching the streetlights glinting on the smooth black metal. </p><p>He had never– but of course he had never. Or maybe, once, when his mother and his sisters were alive, but if so, he couldn't remember ever thinking of marriage. And then it was just... Wakandans had very different notions and customs about marriages than Americans, but both were equally alien to Bucky. What did it matter, what phase the Moon was in on the big day or how much the outfit cost? And to see people put so much value on one single thing, one piece of paper, that different political and religious groups went to war for it! He had just never understood it.</p><p>He had never thought he would.</p><p>And a lot of it, he still didn't. But he understood the <em> gesture </em>, itself; that Steve was choosing Bucky, and choosing to commit to him.</p><p>He couldn't believe it. He couldn't believe how he lucked out to meet such a man, to be able to not chase him away, even when he deliberately wanted to, to have him so fully, heart, body and soul... </p><p>For a long time he had thought that he kept suffering because he had to atone for what he had done. By that logic, he now was rewarded, not punished, and his brain couldn't comprehend how or why that would happen.</p><p>Or maybe it was all random, and it just meant that Steve was still the best thing Bucky had ever had.</p><p>He pulled on the chain around his neck to get to the ring - he’d decided against wearing it openly for now, but he needed the reminder that this was real. The ring felt much heavier than it was because Bucky was always hyper-aware of it, drawn to look at it like a magnet, to marvel how much one single piece of metal could mean. </p><p>He would've married Steve with a rubber band, though, to be fair. He would've cherished a ring made out of paper equally, because who cared about the ring itself? Who cared about the ceremony, the paper, the vows, when what mattered was what they already had, and the promise they already made to each other? </p><p>Bucky knew that Steve would never break his word, and he didn't need any kind of outside authority to reinforce that. Steve gave him a ring, Steve showed him what he meant, and that was worth more than <em> anything </em> he could've ever hoped or dreamed or wished for. </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @HeraldJosh: #Avengers what’s the best movie snack? i need to know for #science</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @HeraldJosh It depends on the movie but you can’t go wrong with popcorn.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers How about muffins?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes Fine, your muffins beat popcorn.</p><p> </p><p>Bucky begrudgingly admitted that Sam sometimes had moderately good ideas, because when they got back to NYC, he, too, decided that redecorating his own place was in order. </p><p>First of all, Steve was spending nearly every day there except for long missions and when Bucky specifically wanted to be alone. One single drawer wasn't enough for all Steve’s slacks and flannels, let alone the "camouflage" outfits that mostly involved tight jeans and Bucky's hoodies, so Bucky reorganized his wardrobe, took the unnecessary stuff to storage, collected a box's worth for charity, then presented Steve with three empty shelves to go along with the drawer.</p><p>"I don't have this much stuff to bring over," Steve said doubtfully.</p><p>"You do," Bucky assured. "And you'll have a box on top of the closet for your art supplies."</p><p>Second of all, he wanted the place to <em> feel </em> like Steve's, too. Bucky wanted Steve to leave his mark on the apartment, just like how sometimes he left marks on Bucky – like the headboard Bucky still had on his wall from when they broke the bed and Bucky decided to carve Steve's name onto the wood. Other than that the flat reflected him and only him; his Wakandan memories scattered everywhere, the books he desperately hoarded in the beginning, second-hand and well-read to help him feel like a person; his weapons stored in secure and less secure places, always within reach. </p><p>A huge part marking the flat as Steve’s  involved persuading Steve to let Bucky steal some of his paintings and drawings and hang them in pretty frames on the wall, right next to the painting Steve made of Bucky for Christmas which sat on top of a shelf for display. Bucky still felt emotional and somewhat embarrassed whenever he looked at it, but he took it as the reminder that this was how Steve saw him.</p><p>Broken but whole; golden, beautiful.</p><p>"Come on, they're nowhere near as good as it should be for display," Steve tried to protest when it came to the rest of his works, but Bucky steadfastly ignored him. </p><p>"I have a piece of fabric framed just because it reminds me of what Shuri wore when she told me I was always welcome there," he said. "Now all of these will remind me of you and that I have you."</p><p>That was something even the always low on self-esteem Steve couldn't argue with. </p><p>"Just don't tell anyone they're from me," he mumbled, and Bucky snorted.</p><p>"Yes, because I let so many people into here."</p><p>That made Steve stop and think. "You're right, you don't."</p><p>"Other than you it's only been Nat, Tony and Shuri, plus Clint, because he owns the place," Bucky admitted. "This has been my sanctuary for so long, I may be guarding it more than necessary."</p><p>"You guard it however much you need to," Steve said, and wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist to peck a kiss onto his neck. Bucky would probably never stop marveling at how Steve could be so accepting of everybody but himself. </p><p>"Not from you, I don't," Bucky said.</p><p>That was why he got to collecting intel that evening. He sent out a text to all the Avengers and their families, contacted JARVIS, then went through his own files. By midnight, he had two dozen images he selected of himself and Steve: together, laughing, talking, hugging, even one where they were almost-kissing, noses touching. He had no reason to be disappointed in the team: they took enough sneaky photos of them to fill more space than Bucky had to spare.</p><p>He decided to regroup some of the Wakandan pictures and the postcards he had collected onto one huge cork board in the hallway, and then spent a few hours the next day by putting the printed images up. He wasn't kidding about not letting anybody in, otherwise he wouldn't have risked to exhibit such blatant displays of open affection, but he himself liked seeing the frames on walls and the prints on the fridge. With these, even when he woke alone from a nightmare or had a bad day, he wouldn't be able to forget – or ignore – that Steve was with him. </p><p>Not that he needed too much of a reminder nowadays. It was the other way around, in fact: first night after redecorating, he woke up in the middle of the night not because of  an old memory coming back to haunt him, but because in his dream he had restrained Steve and was ready to enter him. </p><p>He dug his palm into his crotch, hoping to will his erection away, but of course he woke Steve up. </p><p>"Bucky? Nightmare?"</p><p>Bucky groaned. "Not quite."</p><p>Steve was able to take in the outline of the raised tent between Bucky's legs, and he huffed out a laugh. "A nightmare would be worse."</p><p>"It's pretty uncomfortable too."</p><p>"I can help with that," Steve promised, and tossed the blanket away before he swallowed Bucky down whole. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Some of this aged funnily, like the line about empty attractions. </p><p>Also, the joke is that I supposedly wrote this before I got together with my girlfriend but in reality this mirrors our relationship pretty well, so either I'm a prophet or our timeline doesn't add up XD </p><p> </p><p>I made moodboards for the chapters to help me get into the mood, <a href="https://cpt-winniethepooh.tumblr.com/post/643116906918952960">here's the one for ch1</a>!</p><p> </p><p>Thank you to everyone who left kind words to me on the previous installment of the series! You are the best and inspired me to keep going ^^</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. american glory faded before me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for homophobic and xenophobic language and non-graphic descriptions of PTSD.</p><p>Chapter 2: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/214nt20w5wOxJnY462klLw?si=39855250dfcd466e">Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>We're so sad, we paint the town blue</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Voted most likely to run away</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With you</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @BuzzFeed: This just in: Winter Soldier's prosthetic arm confirmed Wakandan :robot_arm_emoji: #Avengers </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @guardian: Is Barnes' prosthetic cultural appropriation? Read more here!</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @CNN: What does Wakanda supporting Winter Soldier James Barnes mean?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> <strong>WAKANDA SUPPORTS THE WINTER SOLDIER</strong> </em>
  </p>
  <p> </p>
  <p>
    <em> James Barnes, who joined the Avengers last Summer under the alias 'Winter Soldier', has found fresh support from the technologically advanced yet secretive African country after the backlash regarding the reveal of his sexual identity.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> In early December, a then anonymous source aired half a dozen photos, taken from low, low–resolution angles, presumably from a hidden camera, of Barnes in a well–known gay establishment. Barnes was shown dancing and talking very intimately with several male guests of the bar, prompting many to wonder about his sexuality. The next day, Barnes announced that he had "no gender preference" about his partners, confirming the rumors.  </em>
  </p>
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    <em> (The source has later been revealed to be a member of the 'backup team' of the Avengers made of especially skilled combatants and has subsequently been discharged.)  </em>
  </p>
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    <em> Since then, the population of America (and to some extent, the world) was divided into two categories: those that praise the first openly non–heterosexual member of the superhero group, and those that condemn him.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> The backlash has certainly been louder than the support when looked at the numbers. The hashtag #notmyavenger resurfaces after nearly every battle where Barnes appears, even if he is shown to save a basket of puppies from a school of super–rats. It seems that the retweeters not only have a problem with Barnes's sexuality, but also the fact that he is Russian and has worked against the US as a spy and an assassin, the latter of which also turned some queer supporters against him.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    
  </p>
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    <em> "As a gay man I wish we had better representation than a killer", user @johnsfable23 posted.  </em>
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  </p>
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    <em> "ive nothing against him being bi but he shouldnt pretend to be sg he isnt", user @grawheadsey said, referring to an image of a fully black–clad Barnes. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Indeed, Barnes's attire hasn't changed much: he still prefers leather jackets and gloves, steel–toed boots and an undercut that, combined with his usually scowling expression, doesn't make him appear welcoming.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> The only notable new addition is his neatly trimmed, dark beard, which some say is him trying to look even more traditionally masculine. </em>
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  <p>
    <em> His choice of long–sleeved tops may be accounted for the fact that his left arm is an advanced prosthetic that is not only not a hindrance, but an explicit advantage when it comes to battling foes like Sin.   </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> All throughout this Winter, Barnes chose to hide his prosthetic in public. The only occasions when his left side was uncovered was during missions, and even then he favored outfits that camouflaged the metal. This is precisely why it took the public until now to realize that the bright, silver–colored metal has been changed to a gold–laced black sometime during the cold months.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> The source of the original materials was unknown apart from the fact that it was manufactured by Stark Industries, the leading prosthetic maker of the market. The new, black arm leaves no doubt, however, that it was made in Wakanda. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Barnes, true to his usual behavior, made no comment when asked in the latest press conference. However, a representative of Wakanda was luckily less tight–lipped on the matter in a press conference.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> "We helped develop Mr. Barnes's new prosthetic so that he could better protect the world as an Avenger," she said in an interview. "Furthermore, we are looking forward to working together with Stark Industries to make the technology available to those in need."  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Ms. Potts, CEO of SI affirmed the collaboration. "We can learn so much from each other," she said.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> What this would mean for the future of advanced prosthetic is yet to be seen, but we are eager to find out.  </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Image of the news article shared on Facebook with the top comments reading:</p><p>Patrick Robin: SI working with wakanda? yeah, so medical help will cost even more than it does now. thanks obama</p><p>Kim Parks: of course they are backing the russian instead of a proper american</p><p>Jim Beam: so he's a f*g, disabled and killed hundreds of us. why haven't we sent him back where he belongs?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Steve closed his laptop with an angry thud. </p><p>He should've known better than to read the comments, but the article itself was neutral enough that it gave him hope that maybe, this time, the comments wouldn't be so bad. He should've followed Bucky's example, really, who somehow managed to shut it all out and pretend that everything was normal. </p><p>Why they just couldn't see how amazing and loving and caring Bucky was, Steve couldn't fathom. Surely it wasn't only Steve who was able to look past the intimidating appearance.</p><p>Plus, Bucky wasn't a <em> killer</em>. Steve's blood still boiled whenever that came up. The world didn't know that Bucky hadn't been part of the Red Room of his own free will, and in fact, he had <em>no </em>free will but was brainwashed and forced to fight and spy and kill on command, and then he needed years to recover. </p><p>The worst was probably knowing that even if they came out with the truth about the Red Room, nothing would significantly change. The homophobic, ableist and xenophobic assholes of the internet wouldn't magically see the fault in their ways and change for the better. Although Bucky was outed against his will, even some of the queer community turned against him, blamed him and used the wrong labels to describe him. Steve had learned some harsh truths during his time with Bucky, for instance, that there was no way of rationalizing people out of a mindset that they hadn't rationalized themselves into.</p><p>Bucky had an easier time accepting that and moving on than Steve did. </p><p> </p><p>"So, since the 4th of July is just around the corner, I thought it'd be useful to share our tips and tricks to surviving it," Gillian said with her typical, easy-going smile, and the rest of the group murmured in mildly disheartened agreement. </p><p>Steve suppressed a sigh as well. He at least didn't have PTSD– well. Gillian strongly disagreed, and Steve wasn't qualified enough to argue back; but either way, he didn't get flashbacks from the fireworks, unlike most of the others in his therapy group. He only had to deal with the birthday wishes, the heightened debate about the US, and the usual bullshit instead.</p><p>"I know, I know, but we're here for a reason, so I'll start. When I left the STRIKE team, I had to travel to Canada each year because I just couldn't bear the booms; my family had to either tag along or celebrate without me. Then I had to hide with the curtains drawn and listen to some zen music with those noise-canceling headphones, you know?" she laughed self–deprecatingly, but with the confidence of someone who didn't have to deal with those issues anymore. "But each year it got better, and now I'm perfectly fine as long as I stay indoors. But one year I hope to light my own set of fireworks!" </p><p>Steve nodded along with the laughs her speech received. His therapy group consisted of ex-STRIKE members, ex-handlers, and agents who had worked at SHIELD and needed help; who, because of the hundreds of pages of non-disclosure agreements and the specific nature of their experiences, couldn't go anywhere else with their problems.</p><p>Steve wasn't even the only Avenger, although he was the most frequent participant. Nat joined in after rough missions but usually said nothing, just listened. Clint showed up whenever he remembered to, and Bruce whenever he felt safe enough to do so. Bucky, too, accompanied Steve every now and again, but he had his personal therapist he preferred. </p><p>"God I wish I was there already," Brad said roughly, rubbing at the skin near his empty eye–socket. "I take enough sedatives to send me higher than the Empire State Building, give some to the dogs, too, then we curl up and shake together."</p><p>"As long as you are cautious with the dosage, that's a good short-term strategy," Gillian said.</p><p>"I might just travel abroad too," Amy said in her usually shaky voice. "But I can't stay in the car for that long and planes still give me the creeps."</p><p>"You can find places online that specifically refrain from using fireworks and travel there?" Shaun suggested. "Take the train or something?"</p><p>"I'll look into it," Amy said with the unwillingness of someone who won't, for at least a few more years. Nobody called her out. </p><p>"The neighbors helped me with it," Shaun offered. "Now we meet at the yard, and there's about twenty of us, relatives and all, and I don't know, it helps that I'm not alone."</p><p>"Not being alone is probably the best strategy to follow," Gillian agreed. "Even if you think you're burdening others with your baggage, you shouldn't carry it alone. Let the ones who care for you take just a fraction, otherwise, it'll bury you alive, and we don't want that."</p><p>Steve sat out the round where the rest shared their tactics. Not everybody had an issue with fireworks, so he wasn’t the only one, and Gillian normally let them be quiet if they wanted to be. However, she must've sensed that Steve had his own issues, too.</p><p>"How about you, Cap?" she asked near the end of the session. "How do you feel about the holiday?"</p><p>So many answers came to mind: that he still supported America and its values, that he was proud to be American, that he was glad to share a birthday with such an important event. What came out instead was an unbridled and 100% honest, "Frustrated."</p><p>To his great relief, everybody nodded; no sudden intakes of breath of frowning eyebrows.</p><p>Gillian smiled and encouraged him to go on, and Steve's shoulders sagged. "I feel like the America everybody praises now isn't the one I signed up for to protect."</p><p>A huge weight lifted from his shoulders when he found acceptance instead of outrage after saying it out loud. </p><p>"You can go on," Brad said. "No shame here."</p><p>"We all kinda feel this way," Amy agreed.</p><p>Steve wanted to wave it away, he really did, but the words bubbled to the surface, and a small voice in the back of his head – reminiscent of both Sam and Bucky – told him not to swallow them back. </p><p>"It was bad back then, we all know that – the inequality, how women and people of color and queer folk and the disabled were treated," Steve said. "And I was two of those so I experienced it first-hand."</p><p>The group knew this, and they also knew about Steve and Bucky. There was no healing with lies, after all, even if the truth came at the cost of making everybody sign one more paper. But Steve didn't talk about his childhood very often, or at least, as often as Bucky thought he should've. </p><p>"I signed up because I believed that it was still better than the Nazis and that we could be even better, that we could... overcome all those things. And when I put the plane down I had naively thought that we had, or at least we were on the way. My handler was a female officer, and I had a team of international soldiers, including two of color. I was naive," Steve repeated when he saw the wry smiles around him. </p><p>"And privileged," Shaun said, his dark skin underlying his words. </p><p>“Learned it soon, I’m guessing,” Reba said.</p><p>"Yeah," Steve grinned mirthlessly. "Before, all everybody saw a sickly twink when looking at me. After, nothing but the dumb muscle and a marketable smile." </p><p>"It <em>is </em>marketable," Brad winked to diffuse the tension and everybody smirked.</p><p>"I wish it could market some common sense," Steve said. "I feel like I've died for nothing."</p><p>That drained the jovial mood instantly, and guilt flooded Steve as he took in the pity of his group. "Sorry, I didn't mean–"</p><p>"No, Steve, thank you for being honest," Gillian stopped him. "You don't have to pretend here, even when we're talking about some heavy subjects."</p><p>"You think I feel like it was worth giving my eye for this shit?" Brad asked. "Hell no. I don't regret saving anybody that I did even at this cost, but it makes me see red – hah! – when I see some Senators tryn'a use my face to promote their own agenda while taking away our funding and healthcare."</p><p>"I cannot leave the house without my sister's help, and what did the cashier tell me last week? That I'm so pretty I should smile more," Amy said shakily.</p><p>Shaun and Gillian nodded in unison. Steve took in a shaky breath.</p><p>"Exactly. This shouldn't fly anymore. America should be better than this, the whole world should, and it's so <em>frustrating </em>to see everybody celebrate as if these issues didn't exist. And they praise me and go after James, even though I'm no way better than him in any way; they just use Cap as an excuse to maintain views that should've gone out of fashion decades ago."</p><p>Sometimes it made him question if the world would be better without Captain America, but he couldn’t say that aloud. He thought his own life certainly would have been. </p><p>"For what it's worth, it helps me to know you feel this way," Shaun said. "Not that you should, but, you know."</p><p>Steve nodded. </p><p>"Your frustration is warranted, Steve. You were stripped of your agency when you were thought to be dead, and you still haven't gotten it fully back," Gillian said. "Do you have any plans for making the holiday bearable for you?"</p><p>"There's an Avengers party, but other than that, I think I'll help James cook and then maybe watch something," Steve shrugged. "Being with him usually helps. Calms me down, you know?"</p><p>Gillian nodded with a bright smile.</p><p>"That is excellent. This is something we all need to learn: we may not be able to instantly change our ways, to be who we used to be or who we want to be. But we can find ways to work around who we are now, let that be a trip abroad, the help of medication, or friends and family, and then, with time, heal and cope." </p><p> </p><p>Steve repeated Gillian's words over and over in his mind in the days leading up to the 4th of July. He <em>needed </em>to find something to help him with this pent–up frustration inside – sadly, him reading the news on a daily basis only managed to achieve the exact opposite, but he couldn't stop himself. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em> <strong>PARENTS ARE DISAPPOINTED IN CAPTAIN AMERICA</strong></em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Mrs. Deborah Miller, spokeswoman of Alliance for Traditional Family and Parenting, to disclose their views on how a role–model should behave</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Mrs. Miller had spoken out earlier on what the Alliance for Traditional Family and Parenting thinks about admitting a proven murderer into the ranks of the Avengers. Their views haven't changed when it was discovered that the Winter Soldier preferred the company of men over women, and the Alliance has launched several petitions to have Barnes removed from the team, all of them unsuccessful – so far. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Now Mrs. Miller shared with us her disappointment with not only the Avengers in general for allowing Barnes to stay, but also about none other than Steve Rogers, aka Captain America, in particular.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> "We think that Captain Rogers has a responsibility as the leader of the Avengers," she said yesterday afternoon over a cup of coffee. "Today's young looks up to him as a war hero and the embodiment of traditional American values. Yet he is often seen defending Barnes, whose morals are not something we'd like to see promoted. We think Captain America  should at least hold Barnes accountable for how he behaves and the values his actions promote." </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> Mrs. Miller isn't the first to call the Avengers out for supporting Barnes; Senator Birnham, talk–show host John Redgroves and several thousand people have also done so on the petition linked here.  </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em> We hope that this does not mean the further demoralization of our country, especially not so close to our most valued national celebration.  </em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p> </p><p>Steve gritted his teeth and, with herculean effort, did <em>not </em>read the comments this time. </p><p>He has been called many things in his life before, including a lot of slurs, a lot of unjust names, and some that hurt exactly because of how true they were. He could take it; he didn't care that they called him bad or immoral or whatever.</p><p>But to call <em> Bucky </em>that. To insinuate that Steve was somehow <em>better </em>than Bucky. To put these opinions out where everybody could see them, including Bucky, whose very existence was Steve’s fault. Whose suffering was born out of the need for a counter–agent to Cap, literally and figuratively; who’s been experimented on with the knockoff serum because the USSR wanted an effective weapon against Cap, their own supersoldier after the US was full of Cap's propaganda.</p><p>Whenever Steve was reminded of that he wanted to never wear the red, white and blue stripes again. If people kept using him to represent something he didn't stand for, he could just burn the uniform to the ground and find a new moniker. Even now it was harder and harder to lift the shield because when he looked into the mirror, guilt and repulsion filled his guts. It went so far that he began avoiding his own reflection when suited up.  </p><p>His hands shook so hard he splashed the glass of water all over the countertop, and even on Amanda, who followed him into the kitchen in the hopes of a few treats. She meowed indignantly, but did not run away, just began cleaning her fur.</p><p>No wonder that Bucky had wanted to get away to Wakanda when these articles began airing, Steve thought bitterly as he watched the cat. The injustice stung like a thousand nails that just added up, and no matter what he did, he couldn't wriggle away. </p><p>He considered climbing back under the covers and never coming out; maybe that would help. Instead, he just made it to the couch and flopped down inelegantly, and Amanda joined him a few minutes later.</p><p>Steve opened one eye after the first questioning meow. She was sitting right next to the couch, her tail curled around herself. </p><p>"I'm just having a hard... year," he said defensively. "Your guardian has it worse, don't worry."</p><p>Amanda meowed again, then wiggled her butt and jumped up onto Steve's belly, where she did a few circles before curling up to purr and knead at his shirt.</p><p>Steve petted the back of her head, and the purring increased.</p><p>Normally she wasn't this friendly with Steve, but she did have an excellent sense of stress. Bucky claimed that she disliked tension and always wanted to dissolve it which Steve hadn’t believed at first. Then he wanted Tony to do a few tests to see if maybe she wasn't simply an ordinary housecat, but a little research showed that cats could indeed sense stress and react accordingly. </p><p>Plus Bucky had been upfront about her status as an emotional support animal, so there was that, too. </p><p>Ten minutes of purring and kneading later Steve's heartbeat was back to normal and he no longer wanted to strangle Mrs. Miller or put a hole through the wall with his bare fist. He, however, was more adamant than ever to take the challenge. If they wanted him to fight, then so be it, he could do that. He has been battling all his life, after all. He would fight for Bucky and for his right to love. </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: Wherever you are today and whoever you're celebrating with, know that we've come far but don't forget how far there is still to go for America to become the best it can be. Happy 4th of July!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I take it you had a bad day?" Bucky asked when he saw Steve and Amanda, the latter sleeping on the former's stomach. </p><p>"You could say that," Steve said, and Amanda opened half an eye. When she saw Bucky, she jumped down to the floor, stretched, then did her trademark 8-figures around his legs. </p><p>"Been reading comments again?" Bucky lifted an eyebrow. Steve scowled. </p><p>"Only articles," he said defensively. </p><p>"Darling," Bucky said sadly, and he stepped closer (and over the cat) to crouch down next to Steve. </p><p>"I don't have good coping mechanisms," Steve said. Bucky kissed him, though, chasing some of Steve's guilt away. </p><p>"They take time to develop. What did Gillian say?" </p><p>"To be patient with myself," Steve sighed. </p><p>"Wow, it sounds like she knows you," Bucky grinned, and Steve batted his shoulder. "Seriously. You'll get better at it."</p><p>"I don't want to have to get better," Steve burst out. "<em>They</em> should be better. Why is it that it's always the victims that have to change, never the perpetrators?" </p><p>A deep melancholy filled Bucky's eyes, and he squeezed Steve's hand. "Because life is unfair, Stevie."</p><p>"It sucks," Steve said.</p><p>"It does," Bucky agreed. </p><p>"What if I no longer want to be Cap?" Steve blurted out in a rush – he knew that people would blame Bucky for that, too, when they found out, but. The idea of wearing his old colors filled him with <em>almost </em>enough bile to outweigh the guilt. </p><p>Bucky considered him like his question warranted a serious answer. Bucky always did that; he never brushed Steve's concerns away, instead, he treated them with the same seriousness he applied to the rest of his life, and Steve never feared that Bucky would laugh at him or make fun of him. </p><p>"I think that would be a decision in need of sincere deliberation," Bucky said. "Not something you should jump into without a parachute."</p><p>Steve frowned. "Hey, I don't–"</p><p>"I've seen the footage, Steve, don't even try. But if you're fed up with Cap, I get it. Just don't forget that this is literally the worst time of the year for you, and that tomorrow the world will have something else to obsess over."</p><p>Steve exhaled and nodded, and Bucky caressed his neck. "Speaking of, I got Tony off of your back. You are hereby excused from attending his party tonight."</p><p>Steve gaped. "How did you do that?"</p><p>"You don't want to know," Bucky winked. "But you should just tell him that it's not your birthday, and he'd leave you alone. Or, well, at least nag you less." </p><p>"I love you," Steve breathed with feeling, and Bucky leaned in for another kiss. </p><p>"Since your evening is suddenly free, and you're coiled with tension that makes <em> me </em> ache, how about I help you relax instead?" </p><p>"What do you have in mind?" Steve asked, sitting up suddenly.</p><p>"I have a few new loops to try on you if you're willing," Bucky said. </p><p>Steve knew that his blown pupils must have betrayed his feelings, but still nodded in confirmation. "I would love that."</p><p>"Consider this a birthday gift," Bucky winked. "You know what to do: hydrate, clean up, change and be here in half an hour." </p><p> </p><p>For Steve's <em>actual </em>birthday in April Bucky had surprised Steve with a set of vibranium–laced ropes, sent from Aneka with a knowing note. Steve had thought, before that, that nothing would beat the reinforced restraints they had been using, but the first time Bucky tied his hands together, then proceeded to dress his bare chest up in an intricate pattern of knots and loops, he was proven pleasantly and woefully wrong. </p><p>Since April, they had been a staple whenever they were in the mood for something... <em> different</em>.</p><p>No matter how much Steve read about it online, he still had some trouble finding the proper words to describe his experience. Being tied down satisfied a different itch under his skin, one that he hadn't known he had. It wasn't unlike being aroused, but not quite like that, either; it was more like sinking into a bath that was <em>just </em>the right temperature. </p><p>And Bucky's careful and attentive nature was perfectly suited for their scenes, and he enjoyed tying Steve into various positions and then doing wicked things to his exposed skin and cock just as much as Steve enjoyed it too. It was a birthday gift that kept on giving, really.</p><p>Steve hopped into the shower to do a quick but thorough deep–clean, then dressed in nothing but a pair of clean boxers and switched his black ring from his necklace to his hand. He drank a glass of water, then walked out to the living room full of apprehension. </p><p>Bucky had locked Amanda into the bedroom and pushed the furniture to the walls to create a big enough space for them, and was waiting for Steve with their accessories laid out in a neat row. Bundles of ropes, candles, a small box full of beads, hand cream, a pair of scissors, and apprehension built in Steve even more.</p><p>"It's not your job to fret anymore," Bucky said softly. "It's mine. Leave it to me."</p><p>Steve nodded and padded to him at Bucky's inviting gesture. Bucky had him stand facing away, his bare back an open canvas for Bucky to mark up.</p><p>Steve shivered.</p><p>Bucky ran his hands up and down his torso, his arms, his neck, each touch draining some of the tension. The vibranium arm was just slightly colder than his flesh one, but Steve had learned to anticipate the temperature difference with extremely good things to come. </p><p>"Relax, baby. I got you," Bucky said and lifted Steve's hand up to kiss the ring on his finger. He had put his own on as well; their small ritual for when they were truly alone. </p><p>Bucky pulled him close until his chest was flush with Steve's back, and then he was able to fully embrace Steve. Steve obeyed him and relaxed into Bucky's arms, into his reassuring body behind his own, always supporting him. </p><p>Bucky used the closeness to his advantage, and pinched Steve's nipple, rested his hands on Steve's hips, then ran them along with the fine hair on Steve's thighs. </p><p>"I'll take care of you," Bucky promised softly, and Steve shivered again from the familiar breath on his neck. "On your knees."</p><p>Steve dropped down immediately. Bucky petted his hair, and Steve closed his eyes. </p><p>The next moment he felt the first rope sliding over his chest, and he gasped.</p><p>"Good?" Bucky asked, and Steve heard the grin in his voice.</p><p>"Green," Steve agreed. </p><p>They had decided to change the safewords from Texas to the traditional green, yellow and red, mostly because they needed more nuance in their scenes, but also because Steve had to visit Texas in May and he got flustered every time the state's name was brought up. </p><p>Bucky tightened the rope over his nipples, and Steve hissed.</p><p>"You are here with me," Bucky said. "<em> Be </em> here with me."</p><p>"Yes, Sergeant," Steve said, and forced his mind back into the present. </p><p>"Good boy," Bucky said warmly, and Steve preened. </p><p>Even if he had wanted to, Steve couldn't have followed what Bucky was doing with the ropes.  He was only able to say that Bucky wrapped him up more than usual, tightening it over his nipples and chest, leaving his stomach a bit looser, forming diamond patterns over his skin that was starting to sweat. Whenever he took a deep breath, the ropes cut into his flesh in an absolutely magnificent way. </p><p>Bucky tied his hands to either side of his hips with an unconnected set of ropes, leading some between his legs so that he wouldn't be able to move them upwards. The friction teased some blood into his cock, but Bucky ignored it without stopping the flow of soft praises streaming in Steve's direction. </p><p>"My wonderful Stevie, you are so good to me, so right, I'm so glad to have you," Bucky kept saying, and when Steve was in such an incoherent state, he couldn't even protest. </p><p>When only his legs were free, Bucky helped him lay down onto the warm carpet. Strong arms held him steadily, preventing him from falling down, and Bucky stayed behind him, half–sitting up, cradling his body. </p><p>"Breathe with me," Bucky ordered, and Steve followed his rhythm.</p><p>With each intake of breath, the ropes tightened over his chest. Bucky put his right hand into Steve's right, and Steve squeezed it. The pain sent tremors down his body until Bucky exhaled, and with him, Steve did too. </p><p>Bucky's left hand was wandering all over Steve's body, scratching the ropes with his nails, mapping out Steve's skin, caressing his face and hair. Steve arched into his touch until the ropes let him, then fell back down again, shuddering. </p><p>After some time there was nothing but the feeling of the ropes and Bucky's touch on his body. He acclimatized to the new breathing rhythm, took deep breaths on his own, reveling in the burn that came with it, then mourning its passing. He held onto Bucky's hand as if his life depended on it; he felt like he would float away and drown without that anchor point, without Bucky also using his other hand to touch him, to leave hot marks on his body in patches. </p><p>"Finding you was the best thing that's ever happened to me," Bucky murmured into his ear, and Steve keened.</p><p>"And me too," he breathed. Bucky kissed his neck.</p><p>"Good boy. Sit up for a moment."</p><p>Steve did and regretfully noticed that Bucky was untying him already.</p><p>"Already?" </p><p>"It's been an hour, doll," Bucky said wryly. "And I have other plans."</p><p>But he only let loose of Steve's hands before he eased Steve down onto his back again, this time directly onto the rug.</p><p>"How would you feel if I fucked you with the ropes around you still?" He asked, and he even flopped down next to Steve to be at eye–level, his hand in the center of Steve's chest. </p><p>"Yes please," Steve said, and wanted to squirm closer. Bucky held him in place. </p><p>"Aren't they too tight?"</p><p>"No," Steve said. "No, please, yes–"</p><p>"Okay, I see how it is," Bucky grinned, and pecked another kiss to Steve's lips – which turned into a deep, long one as neither wanted to leave the other. </p><p>Steve whined when Bucky straightened up, which turned into a moan as Bucky lifted his hips to pull his boxers down.</p><p>"Better yet, I'd like to bottom today," he mused, and he stroked Steve once to get him fully up. </p><p>"I'm up," Steve said because Bucky and his ropes always threw his brain into a loop. </p><p>"Smartass," Bucky said and straddled Steve. And he was naked. Steve did not remember that happening. "Put your hands to use then, not just your mouth."</p><p>Steve took the bottle of lube from him and loosened Bucky up, but his hands kept shaking, and whenever he inhaled to steady himself, the ropes got worse. He wriggled and moaned, and Bucky was no help at all, what with how he kept kissing Steve and teasing his cock and running his hands all over him. </p><p>"I'm good," Bucky said a second or an eternity later, and Steve withdrew. "You did an amazing job, sweetheart."</p><p>Steve snorted, but Bucky swallowed it with a filthy kiss, and then he lifted his hips and sank down onto Steve slowly.</p><p>Every inch of Steve's body was on fire. His feet, his heart, his hands where he held onto Bucky's hips. Bucky set a languid pace with small rolls and deep arches, and Steve couldn't thrust up because the pleasure from the pain would've sent him over the edge. </p><p>He couldn't take his eyes off of Bucky, who was beautiful on top of him. His long hair fell down in waves onto his muscular chest, his long lashes fluttered over his steely eyes, and the shadows around his mouth made him look like he was smiling. Steve's heart must've grown a few sizes from all the love he felt for this irresistible man which would've explained why the ropes were suddenly tighter than before.</p><p>Bucky put his metal hand onto the center of Steve's chest, over the ropes, and the ring was still very clearly in the right place. Steve grabbed it with his own, and the black rings touched with a clear pang over the wet sounds of their bodies moving on top of each other. </p><p>"You've been perfect for me," Bucky breathed. "Come."</p><p>Steve did, with a final thrust and an arch of his back, and the ropes under Bucky's hand dug deeper into him, elevating his ecstasy. </p><p>Bucky followed him almost instantly, painting his red skin and the tan ropes with white, before slipping off and down next to Steve. </p><p>"My perfect fiancé," he mumbled and kissed Steve's shoulder.</p><p>Steve was in that special place where his mind went after being tied down, where nothing was tangible but everything glowed with a faint golden light. He barely noticed that Bucky untied him, cleaned him with a warm cloth, then tucked him into bed. He then was ordered to drink a glass of orange juice that Steve somehow didn't spill everywhere. </p><p>He looked down at his wrists and noted the wonderful red marks. He touched his chest and felt the indentations on his skin. He rolled the ring on his finger and sighed with contentment.</p><p>"How are you?" Bucky asked as he climbed in next to Steve.</p><p>Steve just latched onto Bucky like an octopus, one leg and one arm thrown over his body, and he buried his face in Bucky's hair. </p><p>Bucky chuckled. "Same, pal, same."</p><p>Steve wanted to tell him so many things, but the words just didn't come. "I love you," he said instead.</p><p>"I love you too," Bucky said, stroking his back.</p><p>Steve exhaled, burrowed deeper into Bucky's neck, and fell asleep, with his brain blissfully, finally, quiet. </p>
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<a name="section0003"><h2>3. and I thought that it would kill me but it didn't</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 3: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/43rA71bccXFGD4C8GOpIlN?si=252240a4121545f6"><em>I forgot that you existed</em></a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>Your name on my lips, tongue-tied</em>
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  <em>Free-rent, livin' in my mind</em>
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  <em>But then something happened one magical night</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What'cha drawin'?" Bucky mumbled, mouth full of porridge. "Halloween costume?"</p><p>"Kinda," Steve said vaguely but he didn't pull his sketchbook away from Bucky's prying eyes. </p><p>Bucky swallowed, then continued. "For yourself? It's kind of..."</p><p>"Slutty?" Steve asked.</p><p>"Revealing," Bucky corrected. </p><p>
  
</p><p>The man that Steve had outlined had no facial features other than a line for a mouth, but he was wearing a black mask around his eyes. That was the most modest that could be said about him, however; because he was wearing skin-tight spandex, the kind that left absolutely nothing to the imagination: not the huge muscles, the six-pack, nor the bulge in his pants. But even with a looser fit, the V-shaped booby window that ran from the shoulders to the <em> waistline </em> would've shown more of his body than Bucky, personally, would be comfortable with in public. </p><p>He was also wearing a cape and high boots, but honestly, that was the least weird of it all. </p><p>"Seriously, what's this?"</p><p>"I'm playing around with alternate superhero costumes," Steve admitted reluctantly. </p><p>He still hadn't decided if he was going to give Cap up, which... Bucky was ashamed to admit he had a selfish side that wanted Steve not to. Even though the media attention had turned elsewhere in the almost-year since Bucky’s outing, especially in lack of a specific partner by his side, they both knew what would happen once Steve came out. And if Steve was saying good-bye to Cap, not only his perceived image as the all-American straight man, that would be disastrous for Bucky.</p><p>His less selfish side, however, supported the decision. All Cap did was take and take and take away from Steve, and Bucky was afraid that one day nothing would be left of his sweet, wonderful little shit of a fiancé. </p><p>"It's not weather-appropriate," Bucky said neutrally. The air had turned cold and the leaves to gold and brown outside his kitchen window where Amanda was sleeping.</p><p>"I'd only wear this to piss with the conservatives," Steve said and turned the page. "It's workplace inappropriate and would be useless against weapons."</p><p>"Not if you used your shield properly, to <em> shield </em> yourself," Bucky pointed out. "But the cape would be dangerous, yeah."</p><p>"I use the shield properly," Steve rose to the bait immediately, melancholy about Cap forgotten. "Just because <em> you </em> can't throw it properly–" </p><p>"A, it's a fucking metal shield, not meant for throwing around," Bucky said, grinning. "And B, I <em> can </em> throw it. In fact, I am the only Avenger who can, other than Thor who's a half-God so he doesn't count, and Tony when he's in the suit, which also doesn't count." </p><p>"And Sam," Steve said with a Cheshire-cat grin.</p><p>"Sam can throw it less far and less often, with less force," Bucky corrected.</p><p>"Why don't you pull out your dicks to measure them, too?" Steve asked innocently, and Bucky tackled him to the ground. The kitchen table toppled over, the decor and Steve's pencils flying everywhere, and Amanda scrambled for cover in fright. </p><p>Bucky ended up on top of Steve, a hand on either side of his body, straddling him, both of them laughing like maniacs.</p><p>"If you'd rather I show my dick to Sam..." Bucky trailed off when he was able to speak.</p><p>"Never," Steve proclaimed and palmed Bucky through his pants. Bucky rolled his hips into Steve's hands, and the new uniform's dilemma was forgotten in favor of much more pleasurable options. </p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @guardian: What last year's Avengers' party tells us about the superhero team: an analysis.</p><p> </p><p>"Due to popular demand, this Halloween the party will be strictly for Avengers and significant others," Tony announced on the briefing with a distinct air of disappointment. </p><p>Multiple hands rose into the air as one.</p><p>"And Darcy," Tony said, without picking anyone in particular. Jane put her hand down. "And Peter, because he's an honorary Avenger anyway."</p><p>Bucky put his hand down too. </p><p>"And Cassie, and Kate, and Charles because I haven't seen him in ages," Tony went on, and one by one, Scott, Clint and Wanda and Pietro put their hands down. "But if you invite Magneto I will scream. This whole place is nothing but metal, and we just renovated after the latest attack from–"</p><p>"You seriously dragged us here to discuss <em> Halloween invites </em>?" Nat interrupted him. </p><p>Tony blinked at her, looking like an owl in his new pair of glasses. He needed them more and more often, and Bucky, who met Tony regularly for arm maintenance (stealing secrets, as Shuri put it) hardly ever saw him without them. </p><p>"I thought that was important for everybody, given that most of you would like to keep your private lives private," he said. "Unless I'm mistaken, there's not really many options for you and your Agent I-could-kill-you-with-my-stiletto to go out to frolic?"</p><p>Nat's eyes narrowed, and Tony hastily went on.</p><p>"So anyway, Pepper thought it would be beneficial for everybody to keep a low profile and make it homely. No press, no dress-code, but if you don't at least put a mask on from the Dollar Store I will personally make fun of you until at least Christmas."</p><p>"Thanks, Tony," Bucky said before Nat could start again. She looked at him like he had betrayed her, but based on the glint in Steve's eyes, Bucky wasn't the only one who welcomed the news. </p><p>"Oh, but before you go, another thing: we got intel that an old friend started a new business with another old friend," Tony said, and when JARVIS pulled the imagery up onto the wall, everybody lowered back into their chairs. </p><p>"Is that–"</p><p>"–Rumlow?"</p><p>All the air left Bucky's body like he had been punched in the gut. </p><p>"It is, and with AIM goons," Tony said. Beneath his 'I couldn't care less' attitude, Bucky heard the worry. </p><p>"AIM?" Clint asked.</p><p>"It's a network of terrorist arms dealers and scientists specializing in highly advanced and technological weaponry. Their ultimate goal is to overthrow all world governments for their own gains," JARVIS supplied. </p><p>"I know who AIM is," Clint grumbled. "I meant, is he working for them?"</p><p>"Don't know, but their profiles fit," Tony said. "So, you know, be aware. Although this was taken in Belarus, so at least not home soil."</p><p>With that, the meeting ended and the Avengers trickled out of the room. Bucky, however, was so slow in getting up that he and Steve were the last ones in.</p><p>"You okay?" Steve asked, even though it was him whose knuckles were white from balling them into tight fists.</p><p>Bucky nodded numbly. "I just... I've just completely forgotten about Rumlow."</p><p>"I didn't," Steve muttered.</p><p>"Still no going after him," Bucky sing-songed on autopilot. </p><p>"I wasn't gonna," Steve lied. "But if he comes near you..."</p><p>"If you have SHIELD's okay you can apprehend him," Bucky allowed. But Steve still looked worried, so he went on. "Seriously, Stevie, I'm fine. Caught me off guard, is all." </p><p>"Would you let me know if you weren't?"</p><p>"Your lack of faith is disappointing," Bucky chided, but of course Steve didn't back down. "Yes, I would, you or my therapist." </p><p>"Both, preferably?" Steve asked hopefully. </p><p>Bucky rolled his eyes. "I'll try," he said. "Will you follow my lead and talk to Gillian and the group about how this makes you feel?"</p><p>"It makes me feel like we shouldn't have let someone like Rumlow join a group that could use his expertise to evil deeds," Steve said darkly.</p><p>"If not him, AIM would've found someone else," Bucky shrugged. "Men like him are a dime a dozen."</p><p>Steve sighed. "You're right. I'm just... angry that he ruined–"</p><p>"He didn't ruin anything," Bucky said, then had to stop because Maria Hill poked her head into the briefing room.</p><p>"I thought this was free?" she said with mild disapproval. Steve shot to his feet, and Bucky straightened.</p><p>"It is," Steve said.</p><p>"Good. Then let me debrief my new recruits in peace. Goodbye."</p><p>"More like in pieces," Bucky murmured low enough for only Steve to hear, and Steve's face turned red as he tried to conceal his snicker. Still, they retreated before Maria could come back and chew them another one, or worse, tattle to Nat. </p><p>Speak of the devil: Natasha was sitting across Bucky's dining table when they entered his suite, looking like she owned the place.</p><p>"I'm checking in on you," she proclaimed. </p><p>"Check in on Steve, he is handling this worse than me," Bucky said.</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>Nat squinted between them. "You’re right," she allowed. "But you did take it badly down there."</p><p>Bucky folded his legs under himself on the couch, effectively forcing Nat and Steve to join him. Steve sat with his knees brushing Bucky's, and Nat, apparently fed up with sitting like a normal person, sank down onto the floor. </p><p>"Because it came out of the left-field," Bucky said. "I haven't thought of Rumlow in... ages. At least half a year, maybe more. Even back in Wakanda he hardly crossed my mind."</p><p>Nat raised an elegant eyebrow and considered him. "Whew, Steve must be something else in the bedroom."</p><p>"Hey!" Steve spluttered, red as a beet. </p><p>"A gentleman never tells," Bucky said magnanimously. "But Rumlow doesn't even cut the corner."</p><p>"Hey," Steve repeated. "Don't compare me to him."</p><p>Bucky leaned in to peck a kiss onto his nose. "You're in a different league altogether, honey. I'm sorry."</p><p>Steve relaxed back into the cushions. </p><p>"How's Sharon?" Bucky asked her. </p><p>"Unsurprisingly chill," Nat answered. "She would shoot him on sight, though."</p><p>"I can give her an alibi," Steve said, and Bucky poked a finger into his side.</p><p>"You will do no such thing."</p><p>"The last few months were <em> hell </em> for you, Bucky," Steve said with heat. </p><p>"They would've been anyway, even if I came out on my own terms," Bucky said firmly. </p><p>"You can't let this go so easily," Steve protested.</p><p>Bucky huffed mirthlessly. "Steve, if I had a personal vendetta against everybody that ever wronged me, I would never be able to actually live my life, let alone to spend time with you."</p><p>It was Steve's turn to huff. "I didn't mean it like that. But I don't understand why you don't care–"</p><p>"I do care," Bucky flared up. "Don't ever mistake me being calm for not caring."</p><p>His voice, low and strong, did not deter Steve. "It sure seems like you've forgiven him."</p><p>For someone as remarkably smart as Steve, he could sure be an idiot sometimes. Bucky wasn't hit with the urge to strangle him often, but the temptation was hard to resist when he turned Bucky's dials just the wrong way with frightening precision, like now.</p><p>"I have not, and will not, forgive him any more than I have or will anybody in the Red Room," Bucky gritted through his teeth. "He betrayed my trust, but that doesn't mean that I will spend the rest of my life trying to get back on him. I can move on without forgiving, and I have to because unlike you, I know how much my time here is worth. If you'd rather I spend it on him than you, then I'm sorry to disappoint."</p><p>He managed to keep his voice level, but he couldn't mask the slight shaking by the end. He rose without hurry, belatedly noted that Nat had, at some unspecified point, left them alone, and walked into his bedroom with even steps.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Sprawled out on the bed, he finally had a chance to organize his thoughts.</p><p>Why the <em> hell </em> was it so hard for Steve to get that he could forget, but not forgive? </p><p>See, there had been a time when Rumlow dominated his thoughts: first when they were... well. Dating would've been too strong of a word, after knowing what <em> real </em> dating was like thanks to Steve. But when he and Rumlow were fucking, Bucky couldn't believe that he met someone who could overlook his issues and his past and his prosthetic. He was so starved for attention and love that he mistook competition for attraction, bragging for pride, and a toxic relationship for a happy one. </p><p>And he paid the price for that.</p><p>Screw that, it wasn't his fault. It was Rumlow's fault that he scared Bucky about Steve so much that Bucky almost ruined what he and Steve had because of it; it was Rumlow's fault that he aired Bucky's secrets to the whole world to see. He was a jealous asshole, and Bucky was much, much better without him.</p><p>He looked inside and searched for the intense resentment that Steve was feeling, and found nothing. The place that used to carry the joy for Rumlow wasn't filled with hate, but... disinterest.</p><p>Rumlow had no power over him, not anymore. No matter what he said or did, Bucky wasn't going to leave the Avengers, and he and Steve were getting married.</p><p>Bucky reflexively began to twist the ring on his necklace and took a deep breath. </p><p>
  
</p><p>"Bucky?" </p><p>Steve's head was poking through the door, worry laced between his eyebrows.</p><p>"Come in," Bucky propped himself up on his forearms.</p><p>"I'm sorry, you're right," Steve said softly and he sat down next to him.</p><p>"Wow, that was fast," Bucky remarked. Steve's lips curled up in a self-deprecating smile. </p><p>"I'm getting better at recognizing when I'm being an ass."</p><p>"You are," Bucky said. "But I shouldn't have been mean to you, either."</p><p>"I deserved it."</p><p>"Not when you're only angry and protective because you love me," Bucky said. </p><p>Steve scooted closer, and Bucky sat up, and they shuffled until Steve's head was in Bucky's lap where he ran the metal fingers through his hair.</p><p>"You didn't disappoint," Steve said, referring to Bucky's last line before storming out of the living room. "I envy you for how..."</p><p>"Detached I am?"</p><p>"...healthily you are coping," Steve finished resolutely. </p><p>"Remember, I did run to the end of the world in the first round," Bucky said. "Scratch that, that was the second round. In the actual first round, I wasn't able to go to the bar where we hooked up once for months. I believed everything he said, including that you would hate me and make me leave the team."</p><p>Steve's arm shot up, and he gripped Bucky's elbow, his face contorted.</p><p>"I know. I told you I ain't forgiving him," Bucky caressed Steve's face. "No matter what I did, his words lingered in my ears until I wanted nothing more than to curl up and be alone, forever. And I'm not saying I didn't do that. It felt like I'd never be whole again. But with time, and my friends' and therapist's help, I got back to my feet and moved on. He doesn't deserve any more of my time. I am happy how I am now," he leaned over Steve's head, and when Steve looked up at him with shining eyes, he kissed the tip of his nose. </p><p>"As I said: I envy you," Steve said, but he was boneless in Bucky's lap.</p><p>"I'm glad my takeaway from that mess wasn't to not trust anybody again, even if it did set me back a bit," Bucky admitted. Rumlow was a formidable friend-turned-enemy; Steve would be an unbeatable one. He suppressed a shiver at the thought – Rumlow, he could fight if needed, but Steve, never.</p><p>Even if he had forgotten about Rumlow, Bucky clearly remembered the small breakdown he suffered after last Halloween, when he had thought that Steve was about to break up with him, when in fact the wonderful idiot had just been fed up by not being able to touch Bucky in public. </p><p>The new rules of Tony's party, however, would remedy that nicely, and Steve and Bucky got to work on their costumes together. </p><p>“So am I,” Steve whispered.</p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @samthefalcon said Beetlejuice is the best Halloween movie. @realsteverogers can I trust him?</p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes For me that's Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I think you'd like The Rocky Horror Picture Show as well.</p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers I liked the Nightmare as well. I haven't seen the Horror one yet, so you'll have to show me sometime</p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes Gladly :bat_emoji:</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bucky hadn't been a spy for nothing, and it didn't fail his notice that Steve <em> loved </em> being marked as Bucky's, whether it be with rope or other restraints marks, nail scratches, hickeys... yeah, Steve loved it <em> all </em> . He keened beautifully when Bucky touched his bruises later, even if he healed too quickly for them to last more than a few hours. And he was always wearing the necklace Bucky gave him for Christmas: Bucky's dog tags with his old serial number and his new SHIELD ID, where he also carried his engagement ring, and he played with them <em> constantly </em>. Even the least savvy SHIELD employees must've figured out that Steve was infatuated, he was that unsubtle. </p><p>That gave Bucky a twofold idea, the first part of which he set to execute in time for the Halloween party.</p><p>"Would you sketch me a costume?" he asked Steve one morning.</p><p>"Sure. What do you have in mind?" </p><p>"I thought one of my less-fitting mission tuxedos, you know? The one that is patchy at the elbows and isn’t workplace appropriate anymore."</p><p>Steve nodded, and he lifted his sketchbook out from a drawer full of Amanda's toys. </p><p>"Do you keep one of those in every room?" Bucky asked.</p><p>"More than one," Steve said, flipping to a blank page. "Firstly, they don't fit into my art supplies box, and secondly, it's handy this way. So the old tuxedo, got it."</p><p>"So I was thinking of a bodyguard," Bucky went on, filing away the problem of the lack of space for later. "Like, really beat-up, tears on the fabric, maybe even bloodstains. I'd be wearing some of my weapons and an earpiece, maybe sunglasses, although that's not very practical with ambient lighting, is it?"</p><p>"Not really," Steve agreed, his pencil flying over the paper. Within seconds, the rough sketch of Bucky as a roughed-up bodyguard appeared on the page. The suit was slightly ill-fitting, and the character even had a bruise on his cheek and was lifting his gloved hand to wipe it away. "What else?"</p><p>"I think that's perfect," Bucky grinned and kissed Steve's temple.</p><p>"Why a bodyguard?" </p><p>"Because that way, you can be my client," Bucky said. Steve raised his eyebrows.</p><p>"Do I look like I need protecting?" </p><p>"You will if you’ll wear what I say you should," Bucky smirked.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tony kept true to his word: when Bucky and Steve arrived at the common floor on Halloween night, only familiar (and trustworthy) faces greeted them.</p><p>"Oooh," Darcy said as soon as she saw Steve, and made a beeline for him. Bucky stood in her way, squaring his shoulders. He was pretty sure that with anybody else, his attire alone would've been enough of a deterrent, but Darcy needed additional warnings.</p><p>"No hands," he said. </p><p>She blinked up at him, seemingly only now realizing that he was even there, then took in his dirty dress shoes, his creased pants, the once white shirt that he and Steve had some fun distressing, and the jacket with tears and fake blood on the cuffs. Even his hair was (artificially) falling out of his bun, covering some of the make-up bruises on his face.</p><p>"Oh, I see," Darcy said and stepped back. "Unfair, though."</p><p>"Tough," Bucky grinned.</p><p>Darcy's eyes lingered on Steve, and no wonder: he was wearing the shirt that had driven Bucky up the wall last Thanksgiving, the deep blue, silky one that was at least one size, maybe two too small on Steve, with a pair of trousers that hugged his ass in an almost obscene way.</p><p>Bucky reached out for Steve and twirled him around to show off the sign on his back: DON'T TOUCH*, and then, with smaller front, <em> *except for JBB. </em></p><p>"Kinky," Darcy grinned, and Steve blushed, but rested his head on Bucky's shoulder. Bucky grinned wryly and put his arm around Steve's waist.</p><p>They made full use of the sign and the fact that everybody present knew about them. Steve played into the fact that only Bucky was allowed to touch him so much so that when there wasn't enough room on the couch between Bucky and Pepper to sit without touching, Steve simply plopped down into Bucky's lap, making everybody around them laugh. Bucky pulled him close and held fast onto him reflexively, then spent the next minutes willing his horny mind to focus on something else, because Jesus. </p><p>He had thought that not being able to touch was the worst, but that was just frustrating. This, however, meant that they acted like teenagers that couldn't keep their hands off of each other, a fact that Sam and Tony made constant fun of. </p><p>"Is this what we'll have to deal with if you officially come out?" Tony asked. "Because then I withdraw my support."</p><p>"Like you and Pepper have room to talk," Bucky fired back. </p><p>"Is it even professional to be engaged to your client?" Sam asked because both of them were wearing their rings. </p><p>"How do you think I became his client," Steve asked. </p><p>The evening flew by on gilded wings. Tony's wine was excellent, although it had zero influence on them, being able to freely show their affection nicely substituted as a stimulant. Despite the heavy use of black and orange decorations, what Bucky saw most often was Steve's wondrously blue eyes and the golden halo of happiness where their bodies touched. The crowning moment was around 3 AM when they retreated to Bucky's suite to fall into bed, fully exhausted, and Steve curled himself around Bucky possessively.</p><p>"I like being yours," he murmured into Bucky's neck.</p><p>"So do I," Bucky said, more certain than ever about the second part of his earlier idea.</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>"Are you free tonight?" Bucky asked Steve a few days later. </p><p>"As far as I know, yeah. Unless a mission comes up."</p><p>"I'll talk to Coulson to let us go," Bucky said.</p><p>Steve blinked curiously. "Is everything okay?" </p><p>"Sure. I have a surprise, though. Meet me at mine at seven?"</p><p>Steve agreed, and Bucky had the full day to prepare – not that much was needed. Since they practically lived at Bed Stuy now, he kept everything clean and neat, or at least as much as it was possible. The biggest issue was the lack of space: as big guys, their clothes took up way more space than, say, Natasha's would, not to mention Bucky's book hoarding and Steve's art stuff. </p><p>Bucky sighed and just shoved everything into containers and up the shelves/under the cupboards, aired the place, and then began to make some pumpkin spice muffins. Not a terribly fancy or complicated recipe, but Steve didn't care about that, anyway, and Bucky just wanted something he could do on autopilot that would help to focus his mind.</p><p>He hadn't discussed his plan with anybody, although he now was able to say that he had wonderful friends to turn to. But none of them were familiar with the concept.</p><p>He did a lot of research, though, and even asked some anonymous questions on forums to make sure he was understanding things properly. The one that would help him most would be Steve, in the end, and he planned to discuss things with him. </p><p>When Steve opened the door with his own set of keys, the muffins were cooling on the kitchen table, Amanda was sleeping in her cat-tree, and Bucky's anxiety levels were barely under the threshold.</p><p>Steve kissed him firmly and then thumbed at his jaw. "You said everything was fine?" he asked, worried.</p><p>Bucky smiled. "It is, but positive stress is still stress, you know."</p><p>"Tell me?"</p><p>"Get comfortable on the couch," Bucky ordered and took the tray of muffins after him with the small box he had prepared. </p><p>They sat on either end, facing each other, and Steve didn't miss that while the food was placed on the table, Bucky kept the to him unfamiliar box in his hand.</p><p>"So. I know we officially have our anniversary in the summer, and that we took that trip to Yellowstone to celebrate it, but, um. I actually – I mean, falling in love doesn't happen overnight, not for me anyway. I knew I liked you from the beginning, but I was wary to commit and allow myself to <em> love </em> you for a while. Not after I told you about the Red Room and you didn't run screaming the other way."</p><p>He paused, and Steve's eyes widened.</p><p>"That was a year ago," he whispered.</p><p>"Yeah," Bucky nodded. "And I thought – this is just as big a step as marriage is. But I thought, based on what we have, that you'd like this, as a reminder." </p><p>He opened the box, confusing Steve who thought he was going to hand it over. Instead, it was Bucky that lifted the protective paper and lifted the collar out.</p><p>It was a beautiful, thin strip of blue-colored leather, with golden loops in the front and fur padding on the inside. Bucky had thought it would match Steve's hair and would bring out his eyes, if he accepted it. </p><p>He was glad for his metal hand which didn't tremble like his flesh one. </p><p>Steve stared at the collar, mouth hanging slightly open, his breathing irregular.</p><p>"I cherish you as my partner," Bucky said, slowly and solemnly, with the devotion clear in his voice. "I cherish the trust you put in me when we play. I love that you give up control to me, for me. I wish to have it always, when we play, and I wish to signify that with this collar, if you accept it." </p><p>He looked down at the collar, then back at Steve. "Do you accept it?" He asked softly.</p><p>"Yes, Sergeant," Steve said.</p><p>A smile bloomed on Bucky's face and he reached out and fastened the collar around Steve's neck. Steve's breath hitched, and he lifted his hand to touch the leather.</p><p>Bucky allowed it; he himself couldn't stop running his fingers along the fine material, enjoying how it sat on Steve's neck, how Steve shivered at the new sensation.</p><p>"Bucky," Steve said, eyes shining, and Bucky understood it.</p><p>"Steve," he said, equally reverently, like a prayer. </p><p>They rested their foreheads together and breathed in the same air. Bucky was still caressing the collar, and Steve was holding onto his waist and his metal wrist with a deadly grip. </p><p>"You're mine," Bucky whispered. "And I'm yours."</p><p>"Yes, Sergeant," Steve said, eyes still closed. </p><p>Bucky would never get over that. 'Sir' made them both feel like they were in the military, which, no thanks. So Steve was searching for something that would go after his answers, to show that he knew they were playing, something to punctuate the occasion. He had jokingly called Bucky a sergeant, once, because he said that since Steve was a captain, and Bucky his right-hand man on missions, therefore he was his sergeant. Bucky took the bait and began pestering Steve, 'as his sergeant', to eat properly while painting and such, and it somehow transferred into the bedroom. </p><p>Just like a lot of other things, it became something of theirs, something that Bucky wouldn't have accepted from anybody else, but from Steve, it was a sign of love and commitment.</p><p>Even though Bucky had played around before, Steve was his first in so many ways. </p><p>"On your back," Bucky ordered, and Steve threw himself back, only to end up half on the armrest. Bucky snorted and scooted over. "Lower."</p><p>Steve clumsily scooted down, until he was laying down properly on the couch. He stared up at Bucky with awe, and Bucky smiled and kissed him.</p><p>"Good boy. Wait here a moment."</p><p>He grabbed their kit and dashed back to the living room, and tied Steve's wrists over his head, then looped the rope around the dresser's handle so Steve couldn't reach down. He used the simplest knot he knew, because to hell with fanciness when he had better things – and people – to do.</p><p>Steve tested the restraints, but he couldn't pull his hands forward enough to reach Bucky, and he grumbled.</p><p>"Wanna touch you," he said petulantly. </p><p>Bucky laid his hand over Steve's throat, over the collar. "You can when I allow it."</p><p>Steve made another grumbling sound which turned into a moan when Bucky took his pants off. Bucky opened him up with the lube from the kit, still straddling him, using his left hand to lean on Steve's chest. He knew that Steve wished more lasting marks, that he loved to feel Bucky's hand over his heart, but the serum prevented that. Instead, he had to make do with the feeling while it lasted, and Bucky wasn't going to take it away from him, unlike his beloved touches. </p><p>"Come when I allow it," Bucky said. "Touch when I allow it."</p><p>Steve was panting heavily, but he nodded, pupils blown wide.</p><p>Bucky had to consciously slow himself down when he pulled his jeans down and stroked himself a few times. Steve, under him, open and restrained was more than he had ever hoped or dreamed to have – it was <em> everything </em> . <em> Steve </em> was everything. Steve was his fiancé, his captain, his partner, his submissive. Steve was his whole world, and Bucky felt richer than the richest man ever could. </p><p>He entered him slowly, heart almost bursting from love, and soaked in the moans and keens Steve made. When he was fully seated (Steve's right leg needed to be thrown over the backrest, and his left was on the floor to make Bucky fit on the couch), he laid down onto Steve's chest to cover him fully. His weight pushed Steve into the cushions and hindered his breathing a little, and Steve rolled his hips in encouragement.</p><p>"More," he begged. "Yes, please, more."</p><p>Bucky stilled his hips and lifted both his hands around Steve's neck. He wouldn't squeeze; breathplay was... in the distant future of possibilities, at best. But he thumbed the leather as he nuzzled Steve's cheeks, and let the heat of his palms soak into Steve's skin.</p><p>"You know the rules," he said hoarsely.</p><p>"...when you allow it," Steve breathed. "Sergeant, <em> please </em>."</p><p>"Begging won't get you anywhere, babydoll," Bucky said. "That's not what I want."</p><p>"What... do you want?" Steve asked. He involuntarily jerked at his ropes, but Bucky ignored it.</p><p>"Be still. Be patient. Wait for my command."</p><p>Steve tensed, and Bucky waited. A few seconds later, with an audible exhale, the tension started to ease out of Steve's muscles. His feet slid to the ground limply, and his hands relaxed. He closed his eyes, and Bucky felt the change under him. </p><p>"Good boy," Bucky praised and rolled his hips. </p><p>It didn't take much. He was achingly hard from seeing Steve follow his orders, follow his lead perfectly, not to mention that the mere sight of this beautiful, wonderful man had him salivating to begin with. Steve met each of his thrusts with a roll of his own hips, but he wasn't trying to reach him anymore.</p><p>"You are doing perfectly," Bucky praised breathlessly. "You're the best thing that's ever been mine."</p><p>Steve craned his neck, and Bucky met him with a filthy kiss. He came with his hands still on Steve's neck, and even when the tremors stopped, he didn't move.</p><p>"Do you want to come, or to untie your hands?" </p><p>Steve groaned and buried his face in Bucky's neck.</p><p>"Hands," he mumbled.</p><p>Bucky grinned and pulled off to get the knots undone. As soon as his hands were free, Steve began to map Bucky's body, run his hands through his hair, pull down into a kiss.</p><p>"If I was cruel, I wouldn't let you come all night," Bucky said, and Steve whined in response. "Lucky you, I'm not cruel," he added and wrapped his metal hand around Steve's hard, red cock. "You've been so good, baby. Come for me."</p><p>Steve did with a shout and a jerk of his hips, arching off of the couch. Bucky stroked him through his release and used his flesh hand to feel the collar again. Steve clawed his forearm, then fell back to the cushions like a ragdoll.</p><p>"Doll," Bucky kissed his cheek. "Amazing, wonderful, perfect."</p><p>Steve huffed, eyes closed. </p><p>Bucky pulled away, knowing that Steve would be too out of it to notice him missing. In the beginning, he always said where he was going and why, but he had learned that it was pretty much unnecessary after Steve's orgasm. He came back with a warm towel to clean Steve up. </p><p>He undressed Steve, leaving only the collar and his dog-tags in place, and threw his tartan over him while he stripped and tossed everything into the washer. He got back with a protein shake and made Steve drink it, then wiped the sweat off of his face. Steve leaned into his touch like a cat.</p><p>"Happy anniversary," Bucky whispered.</p><p>"You are also the best thing that's ever been mine," Steve mumbled.</p><p>Bucky felt like he could've cried, which was a pretty frequent feeling with Steve involved. Instead, he lifted Steve, bridal style, and carried him to the bedroom.</p><p>He still hadn't replaced the bedframe they had broken a while ago, to Steve's eternal annoyance, but he did put two pallets down to let the mattress air underneath. He laid Steve out the bed gently – or would've, but Steve latched onto his neck and pulled him down on top of himself.</p><p>"Oof!" Bucky protested.</p><p>"No leaving," Steve said, and Bucky recognized and order when he heard one.</p><p>"I'm not the one in the collar," Bucky said, without heat: he wanted to cuddle, and Steve deserved a reward.</p><p>"No leaving," Steve repeated, so Bucky had to maneuver the two of them under the covers while still having an over-eager supersoldier pulling him close. </p><p>Then they were so entangled that Bucky couldn't have been able to tell where one belonged and the other ended. He felt the warmth on his skin, soft breaths on his arm as he curled around Steve and put an arm over Steve's heart, the other over his collar. </p><p>"Hey, Bucky," Steve whispered sleepily.</p><p>"Yeah?"</p><p>"Happy anniversary," Steve said, and yawned, and with the next breath, he was out like a light.</p><p>Bucky listened to his heartbeat for a while, afraid that he wasn't going to be able to rest from the turbulence of emotions swirling in his heart – mostly love, but also admiration, thankfulness, and a hint of disbelief – but Steve's even breathing lulled him into a deep, relaxing sleep within minutes. </p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. lyrical smile, indigo eyes, hand on my thigh, we can follow the sparks, I'll drive</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter  4: <em><a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2d1wKn-oJnA&amp;ab_channel=TaylorSwiftVEVO">I Think He Knows</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wanna see what's under that attitude</p><p>Like, I want you, bless my soul</p><p>And I ain't gotta tell him</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>"No, on your <em> other </em> left!"</p><p>"I know where it is–WHOA!"   </p><p>"You'll get killed if he hits you one more time."</p><p>Steve really, really hated when Bucky was right – at least when it came to video games. Even though Bucky said he preferred games that focused more on agility or strategy, especially platform-style games, he was also remarkably skilled at Bloodborne. </p><p>Steve, less so. </p><p>He thumbed the controller while he respawned after dying, and while he refrained from looking over, he could still practically hear Bucky's smirking. Bucky refused to play that night on the grounds of needing to pet Amanda, who was half-asleep and purring in his lap, and he used the occasion to make fun of Steve's overeager competitiveness combined with his lack of actual talent. </p><p>"The big lads with the clubs always get you," Bucky said conversationally. </p><p>"I noticed," Steve said wryly. </p><p>"It's because they reach farther with their clubs than you'd think," Bucky said. "You need to roll away."</p><p>"I was pressing the button!"</p><p>"You were <em> mashing </em> way too many buttons and the game punished you for it," Bucky said. Steve pulled the pillow from his other side and hit Bucky over the head with it, making Amanda scramble away with a disgruntled look on her face. </p><p>"It's the truth!" Bucky wheezed laughing. "World's greatest tactician and you can't beat the fake-trolls in a game!"</p><p>"This game has a rightful reputation for being hard," Steve fired back. "There's no shame in not being the best!"</p><p>Bucky pulled him close by the waist and kissed his temple as Steve began the level again. </p><p>"I know," he said kindly. "It's reassuring to see you not perfect in something, at last."</p><p>Steve felt himself blushing. "I'm very far from perfect," he said.</p><p>"I know, but you project it effectively," Bucky said. "It sometimes fools even me. Want me to beat the big lads when you get back there?"</p><p>That was an 'I love you' if Steve's ever heard one, and he nodded. "Thanks," he said, and curled into Bucky's side. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @tonystark: #Avengers This is not because I'm settling a bet. #homealone or #achristmasstory ? Go.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @thebetterhawkey: @tonystark elf</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @drbrucebanner: The Polar Express @tonystark</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @tonystark: Come on, don’t do this to me</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @tonystark It’s a Wonderful Life</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers That’s the best option so far</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes it’s THE best, period.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers And how about Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas, from the 60s?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes ...okay, you win.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @tonystark: i can’t believe any of you</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @nromanoff: a christmas story. every day with the #avengers is home alone.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Even without the snow, Brooklyn transformed when December arrived – and even earlier, but the grumpy grandpas (as Tony called them) refused to notice the approaching holiday ahead of schedule. But then fairy lights were hung from every window, the shops played Christmas music, and every street was full of Santas, whether cosplayers advertising a business, or small, plastic ones decorating the windowsills.</p><p>Even the tall, squished together brownstones got decked up with light strips, lit up reindeer on the roofs and wreaths on the doors. Bucky abstained from putting up any window décor, although Steve noticed small, aesthetical pieces showing up in his apartment: a silver doe on a shelf, apple and cinnamon scented candles on the table, and increasingly more Christmas-y foods and desserts, including chai lattes, pumpkin cream soups, and gingerbread muffins. </p><p>"When are you getting a tree?" Steve asked after yet another addition (a plush snowman in a knitted hat and scarf combo) appeared on the kitchen counter.</p><p>"I wasn’t thinking that far ahead," Bucky said. He tucked a stray lock of hair behind his ear and smiled at Steve shyly. "I just saw these and I liked how they looked. But we could get one if you'd like."</p><p>"Sure," Steve said. "Do you think we should invest in a fake one?"</p><p>"I don’t see why not," Bucky agreed. </p><p>They quickly went from 'a middle-sized one is enough' to 'let's find the biggest one we can squeeze into the apartment', though.</p><p>"If we push the couch to the other side, we'll have a full corner there," Bucky motioned. </p><p>"It'll block out all the natural light from the window," Steve said. "But if we push the couch to the other wall, then in the middle of the room..."</p><p>"Nah, that'll mean we'll have to get the dining table into the kitchen, and I won't have enough space there."</p><p>They stood there frowning and mentally reorganizing the place.</p><p>"How about we put it in mine?" Steve asked, scraping the bottom of the barrel. "My flat.”</p><p>"We are never there," Bucky pointed it out. "I'm not even sure we would notice if your lease expired.”</p><p>Steve's first instinct was righteous indignation, but then he thought about how much – or, more precisely, how little – he spent there and conceded.</p><p>"The gym there is useful," he defended. "And my studio, which I only use if you're away on missions.”</p><p>"And even then you still come over to feed Amanda,” Bucky pointed out. "I wish I had an extra room here for your studio, even if less fancy than yours."</p><p>"I'm still here anyway," Steve said, and Bucky kissed him thankfully. "How about in a suite at the Tower?"</p><p>"That wouldn't feel like home," Bucky said, and that, Steve couldn't argue with. "Okay. I'll buy one to go into the corner without blocking the light, the densest one I can find, even if it’s shorter than we’d like."</p><p>"And I'll buy another, one foot tall, to go on the table," Steve said suddenly, and Bucky nodded with enthusiasm.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Most people sought shelter from the cold indoors: the malls, shops, cafés, and stores were crammed with people when the first snow fell. To be honest, Steve had nothing against cozying up in Bucky's place – <em> home </em> – and drawing on the couch while Bucky was reading with Steve's feet in his lap, the freshly baked gingerbread figures within arm's reach, Amanda playing with a jingling toy in the background. </p><p>Bucky, however, had other plans.</p><p>"Go on a date with me?" He asked playfully once darkness had fallen.</p><p>"Of course; what do you have in mind?"</p><p>"A walk," Bucky said mysteriously and wouldn't elaborate until they were on the D train, heading south. </p><p>At least the cold gave them enough of a cover: nobody batted an eye at Bucky's chunky white scarf that he pulled up to his nose, or his beanie pulled into his eyes that had a pom-pom on the top from the same wool as his scarf (Steve would know; he watched Bucky knit it himself). Not that New Yorkers cared much anyway, as proven by the fact that Bucky went with his usual black leather jacket over an unusual orange hoodie. </p><p>Steve, for his part, layered a turtleneck under a soft and warm hoodie that had a zipper, and he, too, picked a scarf as an added measure of disguise (Bucky's, a green and beige one that had proven itself earlier as worthy camouflage). Bucky had excellent methods for getting lost in a crowd even during the Summer months, but he was unbeatable in Winter. </p><p>"A walk?" Steve asked him lowly, using the excuse of the crowded train couch to press close to him.</p><p>"I like the idea of the journey being the goal, not the destination," Bucky said. </p><p>"Yet you were specific about the train," Steve pointed out.</p><p>"...okay, maybe I also have a destination in mind," Bucky admitted. </p><p>They got off at 18th Ave and Bucky led him confidently through the streets. </p><p>"I know I said last year that I'm not too into Christmas," he said softly. "But that was before I had someone to share the holiday with. I was never into Thanksgiving or the 4th of July either, nor any of the old Russian holidays, but..." he shrugged. </p><p>"I understand," Steve said and linked his arms into Bucky's. "I never wanted to do normal couple's things before but I suddenly want to try them all with you."</p><p>"Suddenly," Bucky laughed. "We've been together for over a year."</p><p>"The novelty never wore off," Steve shrugged. "Like our trip to Yellowstone this Summer, I'm so glad we just packed our bags and went."</p><p>"So am I," Bucky said affectionately. </p><p>Steve hadn't been around in this part of the city before, save for maybe a few hazy missions. But even the parts where he <em> had </em> been, let that be the train or the Brooklyn Bridge, always felt like seeing them for the first time. With Bucky by his side, everything seemed to glow. There was sunlight where there had only been rain before; even the dullest, dirtiest streets had something new and exciting to offer. Time and distance also changed dimensions: the hours flew by like minutes, and the longest of walks took only three steps to make when he had such springs to walk on. </p><p>The first sign that they were getting closer to what Bucky had in mind was more and more decorations – not just inside the windows, but outside as well, on the trees and fences and stairs. The suburban neighborhood would've been like any other if not for the oversized, glowing Santas in the driveways, and they seemed to be growing both in size and obnoxiousness with each step.</p><p>"Ah, this is it," Bucky said on the corner of 13th and 83rd.</p><p>Steve followed his gaze down the street, where nearly every single house had enough light figures to decorate a smaller town each. More people mingled around here than the previous avenues, most of them silhouetted against the bright fairy lights. </p><p>"What... is this?" Steve asked, intrigued but cautious.</p><p>"Dyker Heights," Bucky said. "I’ve read that their seasonal decorations are off the charts, and so far, so true."</p><p>They walked around a few blocks, and Steve noticed that even a few town tour buses took these roads at a leisurely pace – both to avoid passers-by, but also to give a chance to those on board to take clear pictures.</p><p>Steve had grown up in America. Steve had lived there his whole life, in Brooklyn, no less, and spent most of his time there, too, other than warzones and missions which shouldn't count, and yet he had only seen such unnecessarily extravagant decorations in movies and theme parks. </p><p>Some people have wrapped every single tree in their front yard in LED stripes, from the roots to the tip of the top branches. Some placed multiple-story tall Santas in front of their buildings. In some places the lights kept changing color; in others, everything was carefully organized from the blue snowflakes to the green Grinch on the chimney. The common theme that they all shared was that every single surface in front of and on the house was covered with <em> something </em> that gave off enough light to make the streetlamps an unnecessary (and quite dim) feature.</p><p>"Oh God," Steve murmured as they passed some elves in the process of wrapping presents in silver and Fuschia. "Why do people do this?"</p><p>"I don't know, but it sure is fun to look at," Bucky grinned. "Makes Tony look tame in comparison, too."</p><p>"Oh no," Steve shuddered. "He doesn't know this exists, right? He must never find out."</p><p>"I think he's heard of it before," Bucky chuckled. "This was apparently an Italian neighborhood, after all, and he has Italian ancestry."</p><p>"He does?" </p><p>"Mother's side," Bucky nodded. "But if he did it, it would be 'billionaire wasting money'. Here, it's... a local curiosity?" </p><p>"I suppose. But imagine the electricity bills," Steve said, and Bucky laughed.</p><p>They walked two streets down and headed back on the 86th. </p><p>"The colors are so pretty," Bucky said as he stopped to admire some golden snowmen. </p><p>"Would Clint kill us if we put some up?" </p><p>"Even if he wouldn't, I don't want people coming to admire it," Bucky shook his head. "These decorations are like having a dog: I'm happy to enjoy other people’s with none of the responsibilities."</p><p>"That's fair," Steve said. "And Tony will turn the Tower into a snow globe if Pepper doesn't stop him."</p><p>"She won't. She retains her energy for the fights that actually matter."</p><p>They both laughed at that: with them, it was Bucky who dragged Steve down to Earth all the time, too. </p><p>On the way back to the train they found a chain coffee company on the corner of 16th Ave, and got two huge, steaming mugs of liquid warmth for the rest of the journey. Steve kept stealing low glances of Bucky and played with his necklace – Bucky's dog tags, and his ring – delighting at the charming jingle that the metal made on metal. Bucky smiled at him knowingly over his mug, and his gaze made Steve's heart miss a beat.</p><p>He focused on Bucky's gloved hands around his mug instead, which did not help. At all.</p><p>Bucky had worn those gloves when they took a ride on his bike, to the Catskills, to upstate, to Yellowstone. Steve still remembered how Bucky's body felt pressed to him, how their muscles moved as one, and how they barely got into their hotel room without tearing each other’s clothes off. </p><p>Steve never got tired of feeling Bucky's strength, experiencing his dexterity and his agility, the deadliness that transformed into tender attention in the bedroom. </p><p>Or something else, if – <em> when </em> they were in the mood. Those hands drew still to the edge and then held him there until it was almost painful; those hands wrapped ropes around him until his mind unwrapped; those hands sent him into heaven every time they touched. </p><p>Steve shifted, suddenly uncomfortable in his trousers.</p><p>Bucky was looking at him with a raised eyebrow. </p><p>"Where did your mind go?" he asked, one eyebrow raised.</p><p>"I was just imagining your jacket on the floor," Steve said because he could never back down from a challenge, no matter how mild it was.</p><p>Bucky smirked, and promptly pulled out of the leather garment and dropped it down. Steve snatched it up, embarrassed, but nobody minded them.</p><p>"Not like that, you cocky bastard," he muttered.</p><p>"Oh?" Bucky grinned some more. "Which floor did you mean then, you master tactician?" </p><p>"Take a guess," Steve told him with his chin raised.</p><p>"Okay," Bucky said and pulled his phone out of his pocket to type in something. </p><p>This threw Steve off of his game. Bucky was never the type to not give his full attention to Steve, let alone to play with his phone while they were out. </p><p>When Bucky's phone buzzed, he stood and grabbed his jacket back from Steve.</p><p>"If you want to be coming," he whispered as he leaned in, "you better be coming."</p><p>Steve scrambled after him, and into the back of the taxi that Bucky had, apparently, called – and just like in Yellowstone, they were barely able to keep their hands to themselves before they stumbled into Bucky's apartment, frightening Amanda as they tore their clothes off. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @darcylewisphd: @tonystark who won the movie bet?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @tonystark: @darcylewisphd Natasha.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Most of the snow melted quickly, leaving ugly, brown slush in its wake, but a few days later the next wave came. It dusted a thin white layer over Brooklyn, and Steve was just playing with the idea of taking Bucky out to ice-skating when Bucky's phone rang.</p><p>Steve did not want to eavesdrop, but unless Bucky left the room or Steve put on headphones and some music, it was impossible not to overhear. So when Bucky stayed, it meant that he didn't mind the extra audience, and that’s how Steve heard that Nat convinced Bucky to go shopping, effective immediately.</p><p>"If you wait for me at the Tower, we could spend the night there," Bucky offered after they hung up. "I haven't been in ages, anyway."</p><p>"Why not – it'll be fun to sleep in a <em> real </em> bed."</p><p>"You would be sleeping in a real bed more often if you hadn't broken my old one," Bucky fired back. No matter how much Steve nagged or bribed, he just wasn't going to give in and buy a new bedframe, and Steve suspected at this point it was just to see how long they could keep on the banter.</p><p>Based on how incredibly stubborn both of them could be, Steve would have bet that they would have to consume their marriage on the sad mattress placed on the pallets, too. </p><p> </p><p>Steve hadn't been in his suite in weeks, either, but it was at least dust-free if utterly unlived in. He walked around aimlessly for a while, then he settled next the window, looking down at the busy Manhattan streets down below. The snow began to fall, the white crystals dotting the coats and hats and umbrellas before they melted to vanish forever.</p><p>Steve spotted Bucky, with Nat and Wanda and Pepper, but only because he knew what he was looking for. The quartet decided to start their journey on foot, and Steve kid himself with being able to make out their trail in the snow long after they vanished around the corner. </p><p>Even though he wasn't spending much – if any – time at his own suite, he recalled when he had had, a little less than a year ago. He and Bucky would sneak into each other’s rooms before they came out to the Team, using JARVIS as their aid, and then, later, they would sneak out into the world together, wearing disguises and meeting in the middle, before Steve somehow ended up unofficially moving into Bed Stuy. </p><p>He settled into Bucky's apartment nicely enough, lack of studio and gym aside. But those were luxuries he hadn't had before the new millennia, and he could bear the loss when it came at the cost of having Bucky. </p><p>At Bucky's place, he had his own supplies thrown into boxes and baskets so that Amanda wouldn't chew on his brushes again. His uniform and his shield were stacked in the closet, next to Bucky's weapons and gear. His shampoo was tucked right next to Bucky's many, many fancy ointments in the bathroom, and his own wardrobe stood mostly empty at his own Brooklyn loft because his clothes had migrated onto Bucky's shelves.</p><p>No wonder they both preferred that place when everything they owned was there. But also, it was just a place that felt like home, in a way that Steve's flat or suite never quite managed to.</p><p>He looted a sketchbook from the bottom of a drawer, cursing himself for forgetting to pack appropriately when he had less luck with pencils. The three he came across had no points, and it took Steve an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize that he had his tablet with him. </p><p> </p><p>Steve was doodling away a few hours later when JARVIS spoke up.</p><p>"Captain Rogers, Major Wilson is here and would like to visit you."</p><p>A smile bloomed on his face instantly. "Sure, let him in!"</p><p>"Hey, you," Sam greeted him after a warm hug. "How's it going?"</p><p>"Fine," Steve grinned. "I didn't know you were in town!"</p><p>"Tony promised a modification for my suit if I stayed until Christmas," Sam said. "I didn't expect you to be here, I was fully prepared to hike out to Brooklyn to meet you!"</p><p>"Brooklyn is not that far out," Steve protested. "But yeah, Bucky and the girls went out for some last-minute shopping – Wanda, Pepper, and Nat," he explained, to Sam's questioning glance. "I'm biding my time here until they're back."</p><p>"And drawing..." Sam took a glance at Steve's abandoned tablet. "Arches?" </p><p>"I'm just playing around with some ideas," Steve said and pulled some golden latte bases out of the freezer to heat them up. "For the wedding."</p><p>"Which you still hadn't set a date for," Sam said.</p><p>"Well, we know it won't happen this year."</p><p>"Smartass. Shouldn't a date come first, though?" </p><p>"Nah, I mean," Steve sat down next to him and pulled his images up. "We don't want to rush. Any more than we already have, at least. I have to come out first – <em> we </em> have to come out first. Until we're both ready for that there is no point in setting a date."</p><p>“Okay, I get that. I still wouldn't plan the rest, though, because what's the point? You need to book the venue in advance, and for that, you need a <em> date </em>."</p><p>"According to Gillian, it's important to have long-term goals that you can focus on," Steve sing-songed.</p><p>"Hey, don't get therapist on me," Sam said, and he was only saved from more because the lattes heated up. Steve served for the both of them, then went back to his tablet. </p><p>He angled it so Sam could see, and began explaining his rough sketch while Sam was busy slurping his share.</p><p>"This is the archway, it's like, made of brown twines and has small, mostly white flowers as décor. And Bucky also wants white flowers braided into his hair, which, can you imagine?" </p><p>"Yes, I can, I have seen proms before."</p><p>Steve poked him with his stylus, and Sam pinched him in retaliation. </p><p>"And we'd like to wear white, too, but not suits. Maybe just an elegant shirt, you know, and a tie?"</p><p>"Oh, you'll look marvelous in nothing but a white shirt," Sam said. "I hope you're planning to keep this 18 and older?" </p><p>"Fuck you," Steve said jovially. </p><p>"Not a chance," Sam said. "I don't want to go toe to toe with your scary worse self, no thank you. What I don't understand is, why even get engaged so quickly if you're in no rush to <em> actually </em> get married?"</p><p>Steve had heard that before, from the Team, but just like Sam, they all asked it with genuine interest. Another reason why Steve didn't want the rest of the world to know about their engagement just yet was that he wasn't interested in justifying his reasons – but Sam was a friend, his best, not counting Bucky, and he wasn’t asking in bad faith.</p><p>"Have you seen Bucky?" he asked back. "His eyes, the way he smiles? How he talks about his favorite novels or what he's like when he's playing with Amanda? Why wouldn't I want to marry him?"</p><p>Sam closed his eyes and exhaled. "Man. You are in deep."</p><p>"If I don't, someone else will," Steve said, thinking about all the times a barista was way too flirty with Bucky, or that time their contact made a move on him in Armenia. “But even if not, I want us to be official. I want to say he’s my fiancé, that’s it.”</p><p>"He won't find anyone better than you," Sam said confidently. "He is head over heels too."</p><p>Steve ducked his head but couldn't help his grin. </p><p><br/>

</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes, featuring a photo of Captain America Christmas sweater: @realsteverogers I think this would suit you :winky_face_emoji:</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes only if you wear yours :winky_face_emoji:</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @guardian: The superhero sweater exchange: what do the emojis mean?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The snow kept falling and falling and Sam eventually left Steve to meet with his other friends. When darkness fell too, Steve decided to call Bucky up.</p><p>"Almost done!" Bucky greeted him immediately. "I swear to God, I never want to see a mall Santa again."</p><p>Steve laughed out loud. "Where are you guys?" </p><p>"In the Bronx," Bucky whined.</p><p>Steve's questioning silence proved enough for him to go on.</p><p>"Wanda wanted to visit this hipster place..."</p><p>"YOU LOVED IT," Wanda squeaked.</p><p>"I didn't say I didn't," Bucky said. "Sorry, it'll be a while before I get back."</p><p>"Happy will pick us up," Pepper said in the background disapprovingly.</p><p>"You know what? Let the ladies get back with Happy, I'll pick you up myself," Steve said, his mind back on the earlier track.</p><p>"Oh? How come?"</p><p>"We could go ice skating."</p><p>"I'd love that," Bucky breathed. "I'll look up a place until you get here."</p><p>Steve borrowed one of Tony's casual cars: still a monster, but at least one that didn't look like it cost the annual budget of a small European country, even though it most likely did. Drawback of snow: no bikes.</p><p>But the city lights were truly magnificent through the windshield, where the snow couldn’t reach him and the seat heating kept him comfortable. Even though the traffic was a bitch, Steve sometimes liked driving around, listening to soft jazz and enjoying being close and yet far from the rest of the world. </p><p>Bucky jumped in at a red light almost an hour later, dusting snowflakes out of his hair, his cheeks pink from the cold and his grin. </p><p>Steve couldn't kiss him because the light turned, but he couldn't keep his eyes on the road either. Bucky's eyes shone like sapphire gems in the dark, and his smile made Steve's heart sing. The fairy lights outside dissolved into thousands of golden sparks on the windows, painting constellations onto Bucky's cheeks. </p><p>Steve's hands tightened on the steering wheel, and he wished for the excuse of a manual shift where Bucky could place his hand onto his comfortably.</p><p>"Where are we headed?" Steve murmured, just barely above the rumble of the engine, not wanting to break the spell.</p><p>"I'll guide you," Bucky said, equally lowly, and he did.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This feels more like a summer song, but I just had to use the upbeat cheer for Christmas ^^</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. what doesn't kill me makes me want you more</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Flashback/throwback time! I definitely recommend reading the first five chapters of Rep for this one. </p><p>TW for anxiety, including an anxiety attack.</p><p>Chapter 5:<em> <a href="https://open.spotify.com/album/1NAmidJlEaVgA3MpcPFYGq">Cruel Summer</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> And I cried like a baby coming home from the bar  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Said I'm fine, but it wasn't true<br/>
<br/>
I don't wanna keep secrets just to keep you </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"From Russia With Love, meet the American Dream,” Tony said, and Bucky wanted the ground to swallow him whole.</p><p>He had been unable to draw his eyes away from Rogers all evening, and this was <em> not </em> the introduction he had been hoping for. </p><p>Rogers had strong muscles and wide shoulders, aka everything that Bucky loved in a man. But he had an arrogance to him that cut to Bucky's core with the disapproval that met every single one of his lines. He didn't answer any of Bucky's openings for banter or camaraderie; instead, his attitude mirrored the ice in his eyes.</p><p>And this with the fact that Bucky's game was <em> good </em>. Sharon laughed at his quips, as expected, and Bucky tried to comfort himself with the knowledge that he at least got on the right foot with Nat's girlfriend. </p><p>With Rogers, it would have been a win to avoid open hostility. After the "friendly warning" from Brock – ie. that one word from Cap and Bucky would be off the team –  had Bucky tossing and turning all night, only to give up on sleep entirely at dawn in order to bake some pies, he hadn’t expected love at first sight. However, the cold shoulder still hurt.</p><p>But what else would an ex-assassin get, right? Sure, it would've stroked Bucky's ego if he stepped up to his flirting, but–</p><p>Flirting? What flirting? Bucky wasn't supposed to <em> hit </em> on him. That was, like, the absolute <em> worst </em>thing he could have done. </p><p>Good thing all the innuendo seemed to be flying over Rogers's head, because Bucky couldn't seem to turn it off: he was irresistibly drawn to the cold yet hypnotic eyes, the dimples when Rogers smiled at Sharon, and the low chuckle that <em> wasn't </em> the result of anything that Bucky had said.</p><p>But if Bucky was good at something, it was survival. He leaned into the role of the devil-may-care bad boy that made a subtle move on everybody. And he played the part <em> flawlessly </em>, and not just because everybody got tipsier and tipsier as the evening went by, but because wouldn't have lived as long as he had if he hadn't been able to adapt exceptionally well to all kinds of situations. He was charming and flirting and easy-going, perfectly covering the fact that he was wishing to be at home, playing with Amanda and continuing his audiobook about the history of motorbikes. </p><p>He kept an eye on Rogers, though, to prevent further mistakes, and as the hour turned late, he had a nagging suspicion that maybe he wasn't the only one that was faking his part.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Surrounded by enough candles to lit up the whole of Bed Stuy and a truck’s worth of bubbling bath bombs, Bucky decided that the comfort of his own hot bath was the best place to conduct some research. He plowed through the guilt that came with the stalking and comforted himself with the fact that at least the walls didn't have JARVIS-shaped ears and eyes in his flat, and nobody would find out. </p><p>Nat had said that Rogers was 'one of the good ones', which, while pretty generic, was also one of the highest of praises he had heard her say about anybody. Tony didn't like him much, but he had acquiesced to his leadership, which, again, was a rare occasion for the genius. And Brock... well, Bucky had learned how much Brock's word was worth by now, so he tried to ignore his jealous, faked nonchalance. </p><p>However, his search for 'Steve Rogers' and 'Steven Rogers' and even 'Steven Grant Rogers' ended up being rather unfruitful. Discarding the many false personality matches, there was practically nothing personal about the guy online other than the many papers written about him during the 70 years he had spent frozen in ice, the articles about the heroics of the Avengers, and the ragtag hits that Bucky tossed aside irritably. That Rogers would end up with Sharon lacked any basis in reality, after all. </p><p>Seventy years in ice. That was almost as much as Bucky's, although Bucky had been taken in and out of cryo intermittently, usually not more than for a few days at a time. </p><p>He let even more hot water into the tub and threw two extra sweet bath bombs in for good measure. The Red Room wasn’t haunting him as much as it used to, in no small part thanks to the healing properties of the Wakandan Sun, but knowing he and Rogers shared some similar life-experiences still sent a shiver down his spine.</p><p>Except Rogers signed up for his part.</p><p>But maybe not the plane and the ice and the brave new world he found himself in. Even the Smithsonian was unclear about what exactly happened on board during the last few minutes before the crash. </p><p>Bucky directed his focus onto Captain America, which resulted in a more productive outcome, namely: YouTube videos of the Avengers' battles. And holy shit, the guy <em> could </em> fight. </p><p>His hand to hand was the best in the Team, and he did fight that way remarkably often. His shield, which every site had listed as his main choice of weapon, was used less as a defense mechanism, and more as a very large and very deadly frisbee. Bucky watched footage of it decapacitating alien robots and knocking simple bad guys out cold. Rogers was notably skilled with the vibranium, and Bucky appreciated what that meant. </p><p>But Rogers threw himself into every fight like he didn't mind that it could be his last, which, while not a very condemnable thing if you were trying to save Manhattan, also meant that he took in more hits than strictly necessary. He kept throwing his shield away and going toe-to-toe with creatures multiple times his size, hoping he would be able to punch hard enough to win. On the other hand, Natasha, who had no less skill than Rogers when it came to fighting for the win, acted less recklessly and kept her own safety in mind, too, and sad was the day when Natasha Romanoff was the more careful fighter in any group. </p><p>Whatever. Rogers’ style wasn't Bucky's problem: he wasn't the second, or even the third or the fourth in the line of leadership; in fact he was pretty certain he would be the last to ever lead the Avengers. If Rogers wanted to risk himself even when it was completely unnecessary, so be it.</p><p>Bucky locked his tablet and climbed out of the bath, ignoring the small voice in his head that whispered the wish for Rogers to be <em> his </em> problem.</p><p> </p><p>A new, unfortunate habit was born the next day: Bucky checking online if there was anything new to see about Rogers. Not in a creepy way, just to see– just to make sure that everything was okay. In general. And with the Team. And the team leader. </p><p>Nothing new ever really came up, but he still couldn't <em> not </em> start his mornings by googling Rogers.</p><p>What that said about himself he tried to ignore as much as possible. This had been the plan, after all: the Winter Soldier to become the deadliest member of the Avengers. </p><p>Even if some people disagreed.</p><p>"Tell me how you are, and no, none of that 'I'm fine, Princess' as usual," was Shuri's opening line when she called.</p><p>"I really am fine, Princess," Bucky said cheekily, and she snorted.</p><p>"Okay, be like that. How's the new team?"</p><p>"I haven't met many of them," Bucky said. "Only Cap, and the others from before,” by which, of course, he meant Clint, Nat and Tony.</p><p>"Ah, yes, I read about your meeting. Is he nice?"</p><p>Shuri wasn't even of age, and yet she acted like an overprotective parent already, which was bonding material between Bucky and T’Challa whenever they met.</p><p>"He treated me like expected," Bucky said. </p><p>"That's not an answer, White Wolf," she chided and went on when Bucky stayed silent. "Don't make me talk to him – on second thought, you could. I want to ask him some questions about his shield."</p><p>"It's vibranium," Bucky said, ignoring her threat. "Tony Stark's father gave it to him in the 40s."</p><p>"Oh, I know that, but why does he keep throwing it?" </p><p>Bucky didn't think that there was a reasonable answer; not for Shuri, anyway. "It's effective when he does so," he pointed out instead.</p><p>"Eh," and he practically heard her dismissive wave. "There are more effective ways."</p><p>"Speaking of, what's up with the transmitter you're developing?" </p><p>"It's going really well!" she exclaimed, and he smiled at her hologram. "Have I sent you the latest test footage?"</p><p>She launched into the possibilities and probabilities of her latest innovation, effectively taking his mind off of a pair of sad blue eyes, and he was just as thankful for that as for her friendship.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>A few days later he got a call from an unknown number.</p><p>"Tower. Tonight. Be there," Nat said without preamble.</p><p>"Hi, Nat, it's nice to hear from you. How are you?" he asked back.</p><p>"Don't make me drag you," she warned, then hung up.</p><p>What was it with everybody threatening him these days?</p><p>He contemplated his options. If he didn't go and Nat wasn't there, she would chew him another one later, once she got back from her mission. If he didn't go and she was there, she would chew him another one very, very quickly. Maybe even the same day. </p><p>He huffed, then went to get dressed. Having only the slightest idea about what to expect (for instance that Tony would be no doubt involved, and that Nat hopefully wouldn’t spring something truly horrible on him), he chose a comfy pair of jeans and his emotional comfort T-shirt: the one where the print reminded him of Kimoyo. Then, he headed for Manhattan.</p><p> </p><p>He held onto the hope that Rogers wouldn't be there while also desperately wishing for him to be there because despite being nearly a century old he still hadn't learned to make up his mind.  Aziz, his therapist said it was the result of what had happened to him, but knowing that didn’t make living with that easier.</p><p>Once on the rooftop, Tony dragged him around to introduce to the Avengers. Bruce and Wanda seemed to be kind, the sort that Bucky would have liked to hang out with outside mission parameters too. But he had no chance of making a good impression as his mind kept returning to Rogers, and while Tony may have missed that, Nat certainly hadn't. </p><p>The fleeting chance that he could evade him evaporated when Nat practically pushed Rogers at him. </p><p>What the fuck.</p><p>"What the fuck," he said in Russian. </p><p>"You'll thank me later," was her cryptic reply, and ordered Rogers to show Bucky around. And he did.</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>From up close and personal, Rogers was even more attractive. Somehow Bucky's brain-to-mouth filter got deleted, and he feared that not even Cap would be able to ignore his come-ons for long.</p><p>Maybe that was what Nat was going for when she drew everybody else away to leave them be together.</p><p>Fuck, but Bucky did want Rogers. Just... just the one night with him. Just this once. And there was no way Rogers would behave like Brock afterwards.</p><p>But just to be sure, he tested the waters.</p><p>"Well, I'm no fascist, but I was a communist,” he said, apropos of nothing, but Steve didn't rise to the bait. He did not react the way Bucky expected him to, at all. He was cute and fumbling and awkward, and fuck, Bucky really did want him.</p><p>He even had dimples, for crying out loud, when he grinned at his own self-deprecating comments.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p>“Hey, JARVIS. Where does Tony keep the good stuff?” he asked, referring to the booze, because this, whatever this was, needed a more private place to unfold, and JARVIS lead them into the depths of the Tower, away from everybody else.</p><p> </p><p>It would have been so easy to resist if Steve had said no. If Steve had indicated that he wasn't interested. But no matter how much Bucky put his foot in his mouth, how he kept drawing attention to his own flaws, how he even freaked out when Steve suggested he take his shirt off after he splashed it with scotch, Steve had appeared <em> very </em> interested.</p><p>Gone was the cold from his eyes; he checked Bucky out with raw want, then blushed when he realized what he'd done. Bucky didn’t know what brought this on, what made Steve put down his mask, but even his wry and reserved humor made Bucky swoon on his feet.</p><p>Bucky was even referring to him as 'Steve' in his own head now, fuck.</p><p>This could end so, so badly. If Steve turned against him, that would make Brock's nags feel like bee-stings compared to an atomic bomb.</p><p>But Brock had been an asshole, an asshole that Bucky had tried so hard to forget about, and he managed to do the worst thing on Earth: make Bucky fearful of new beginnings. </p><p>Fuck if Bucky was gonna let him ruin this.</p><p>He decided to throw caution in the wind. His cards were on the table, and after an evening of flirting, he let Steve make the final move - even if it killed him.</p><p>“And who do you want to be tonight?” he asked, hoping, praying, dying for the answer.</p><p>And after an eternity of lost hope, Steve replied: "Yours."</p><p> </p><p>Steve had overridden the last lingering memory of Brock with the first touch of Bucky's metal arm.</p><p>Nobody had touched him there other than Shuri and Tony. Nobody had touched it in a sexual context, at all.</p><p>Yet Steve didn't care, didn't blame, didn't mind. <em> That </em>was just as arousing as his little striptease, after which Bucky was more eager than ever to get his hands on Steve. To feel him, to taste him, to get as close to him as possible. </p><p>When Steve saw his scars, the map of his past written on his skin, his eyes still spoke only of lust. Bucky fell deeper and deeper into their ocean, not caring about ripped jeans or the lack of condoms, or even having his metal hand being guided between Steve's legs.</p><p>Then the last part caught up to him, and soon there was nothing but pleasure in the touch of new hands on him.</p><p> </p><p>When he fell asleep, he imagined waking up with Steve wrapped around him. He would make breakfast; pancakes, for sure, and coffee, and then maybe another round of what they had last night.</p><p>Instead, Steve got a mission call at the crack of dawn and left hastily. Bucky tried to doze back but couldn't find his peace alone, in an unfamiliar place, in a suddenly cold bed. </p><p>Should he wait for Steve in yesterday's boxers? Wrapped in nothing but some sheets? Should he steal some of Steve's clothes? <em> Would </em> he? </p><p>He sat up abruptly, mind running wild. Stealing Captain America's clothes; right. Sure. And what else, his bike? His shield, too?</p><p>Hah. Like Steve would want him in his life, after seeing how messed up he was. </p><p>But he had said so nice things to him. Bucky wanted to see his pupils dilate again; the dimples on his cheeks as he grinned mischievously. </p><p>That was a very different Steve from the one at the gala, though. What if they met again, and Steve would just give him the cold shoulder? No way Bucky could work with him after that. </p><p>And the Avengers were his chance to finally begin cleaning his slate, to even things out a bit, to counter all the horrible things he had been forced to do. </p><p>He looked at his own metal arm. He had made peace with it, after a while – after a very long while. And yet being with Steve made him self-conscious again, as if his opinion mattered more than the opinions of the rest of the world. </p><p>The bed was still too big, still too unwelcoming. The whole place was, in fact: not a personal item anywhere, not even a photo on the wall or a book on the nightstand. </p><p>Bucky had fought so hard (mostly with himself) to carve a place out in the world that he could call his own. He desperately wished to be there, away from this hostile place.</p><p>He dressed in a rush, and looked out the window to the street, dreading or hoping to see Steve there – dreading. Definitely dreading. If they met at the hall and Steve would act like his impersonal, emotionless shelf–</p><p>Bucky shook himself.</p><p>"JARVIS, is Captain Rogers still away?"</p><p>"I believe so, Mr. Barnes, but he left you a note."</p><p>Bucky had glanced at it before, then ignored it. But he couldn't any more; he had to read it. </p><p>Steve's number, along with his remorse that he couldn't be there.</p><p>Bucky didn't know what to do with that, so he reverted back to his original plan, to get out of the Tower using the back door, then called a taxi.</p><p>The idea of taking the train was unbearable; to have to face people, to pretend… </p><p>Bucky’s been pretending this whole time. His whole life felt like one huge game of pretense, and that made the night even worse. Steve didn’t know him, had no idea what really happened with him, which was fine for a night. Maybe. But even if not, he couldn’t undo it, and he <em> wanted </em> Steve, to bask in the knowledge that he was good enough for him, just this once. </p><p>Doing this again? </p><p>That would make it a conscious thing, he thought to himself, and that was different. He couldn’t do it without telling Steve, without being honest –  but if Steve rejected him? So soon after–</p><p>So the question was, he realized at the back of a taxi at dawn, silently wiping the tears from his face that he couldn’t stop, if it was better to do this with Steve while he believed whatever he did of Bucky, or to try his luck and open up and risk rejection – or to not get entangled with him in the first place.</p><p>Fuck.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm not gonna call you an idiot, but I'm thinking that you are one," Nat said as she plopped down on his couch. "I'm thinking it very loudly."</p><p>"Noted," Bucky sighed. "Nice of you to come by, make yourself at home."</p><p>"Why haven't you called him?" she demanded.</p><p>He did not ask how she knew. He didn't need to. </p><p>"Will you bite my head off if I say I don't know?" he asked.</p><p>She cocked her head at him. "No. But I will say I think you should."</p><p>"I know," Bucky said. </p><p>"What happened?" </p><p>"I got a slight anxiety attack when I woke up alone," Bucky admitted. "Had to come back and let Amanda do her magic on me. And then, I don't know. Somehow everything seemed off. At night, it was all plausible and beautiful, but during the day..."</p><p>"The light brings out all the ugliness in the world," Nat nodded in understanding. </p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>They sat in silence for a while. </p><p>"Can I play with Kimoyo?" </p><p>"If he doesn't mind."</p><p>"He never minds."</p><p>Nat was right; the snake got used to her touch soon, and then wrapped himself around her arm, then slid up to bury his head in her hair. She giggled like a young girl. </p><p>"Do you think I'm making a mistake?" Bucky asked. </p><p>"Being with Steve is a commitment," Nat said, after a bit of consideration. She stroked Kimoyo's body absent-mindedly: the deadlier predator befriending the less deadly one. "He is intense, and he has issues."</p><p>"Don't we all," Bucky murmured.</p><p>"Fair point, but mine still stands." She paused, and untangled the snake to place him around her other arm. "I think you should still give him a chance."</p><p>Bucky nodded: registering but not necessarily conceding. </p><p>He needed some time, and probably an appointment with his therapist, too. </p><p> </p><p>However, the next mission overrode all of Bucky's plans. </p><p>He had seen that Steve was a reckless idiot before. There were more videos than enough time to watch them all; heck, there were <em> compilations </em> online about him running headfirst into danger.</p><p>(Bucky had done his best to ignore the tiny voice that said that Steve had just been seeking danger with him, too, devastatingly unsuccessfully.)</p><p>But to see it in real life just... flipped a switch in him that he hadn’t even known existed. All it took was him to see Steve jumping on the distraction grenade that Bucky had thrown. A <em> grenade </em>. Now, Bucky knew how far 'wanting to finish a mission' or 'saving somebody' could push a man, but not against an already disheartened Attuma, for fuck's sake. </p><p>If Bucky had been stupid enough to throw a real one instead of a dummy–</p><p>"It worked," Steve defended himself. </p><p><em> But at what cost, </em>Bucky's mind screamed at him, and he nearly screamed at Steve in return. </p><p>Shuri had joked that he was lucky to not have white hair despite pushing a hundred, but Bucky could've sworn that if anybody, Steve Rogers would be able to make him go white.</p><p> </p><p>Case in point: Rogers did not give up. Certainly not easily, but maybe not ever. The only reason why it didn't scare Bucky away was that he knew that if he told Steve to leave him be, he would.</p><p>He did not want to tell him that.</p><p>Despite how being with Steve freaked him out, how Steve being hurt freaked him out, how the idea of telling Steve about his past freaked him out – which his therapist said was his main issue right now – he did not want to see Steve go, again.</p><p>He still offered Steve an out, multiple outs at the side of the pool during Tony’s post-mission celebratory party, but Steve didn’t take any of them, and Bucky was secretly relieved. </p><p>Because Steve was funny, if also a bit of a lunatic, pretending that he and Bucky were meeting for the first time that night. And Bucky was <em> charmed</em>. Famed ex-assassin, could kill you with his metal arm tied behind his back in seven ways before you woke up, newfound member of the Avengers, and he got charmed by absolutely zero-game, horrible innuendos Steve Rogers. </p><p>What has the world come to.</p><p>Steve could also hone in on Bucky's weak points and exploit them expertly, as proven by how he opened up about him waking up alone in a foreign world – again, to someone from whom everybody else would've done their best to keep their secrets. But not Steve, oh no; whoever had been distributing self-preservation to babies must have skipped Steve in line, because the man had none. </p><p>“What are you doing here with me, Steve?” Bucky asked because he didn't understand. What was lovely, insane, amazing Steve Rogers doing with someone like Bucky? And what would he do with someone like Bucky if he found out more?</p><p>“I don’t know what I could tell you that I haven’t, before. I’m not good at this… flirting and relationships, and I—” Steve paused, “wouldn’t mind giving us a second chance.”</p><p>Fuck. Fuck it if Bucky was blowing his second chance; he was an idiot too, but not that much. </p><p>"The day after tomorrow? My suite?” he asked, and Steve agreed. </p><p> </p><p>“He won’t read your file,” was what Nat decided to be the best greeting line the next day, and he sometimes hated her a little bit.</p><p>“The what now,” he said.</p><p>“He has your file as the leader of the Avengers,” she said, every word dripping with the subtext that he was a dumbass for asking. “But he’ll only read the abridged version I gave him. You’re welcome.”</p><p>He had to sit down. On the spot. Amanda circled him, although this wasn’t the first time he ended up on the kitchen floor.</p><p>“I,” he began, but he had no idea what to do.</p><p>The idea of him not having to tell Steve anything appealed to him; however, SHIELD’s file only contained maybe half of the actual story, anyway. </p><p>And it wouldn’t have been fair to Steve.</p><p>But he still had to calm his racing heart at the knowledge that Steve could find out about what it was like, the Red Room, his actual kill count, the–</p><p>“He won’t read it,” Nat repeated, her voice coming to him from miles away. “He’s a gentleman like that.” </p><p>Bucky counted. In: 1, 2, 3, 4. Out: 1, 2, 3, 4. In: 1, 2…</p><p>After the fourth round he was able to speak up.</p><p>“Thanks,” he croaked out.</p><p>Her voice softened. “Even if this goes nowhere you’ve got nothing to tell him.”</p><p> </p><p>He respectfully disagreed: he was going to have to tell him. </p><p>This almost brought out another panic attack, one that neither Nat nor Shuri nor Tony could have dispersed, so he called his therapist somewhat desperately. </p><p>"I don't want to lose him," he whined. "Not again. But I don't know how to tell him the truth..."</p><p>Aziz listened carefully, as usual, then managed to comb the necessary information out of Bucky's tangled mess.</p><p>"Think about what you're comfortable with him knowing," he said. "You don't have to rush things."</p><p>"I don't want to lie to him either," Bucky sighed.</p><p>"Do you expect him to tell you his deepest fears or his most vulnerable moments immediately?" Aziz asked back, and when Bucky said no, he went on. "People take their time to share their traumas, Bucky. This doesn’t equal hiding something."</p><p>That <em> did </em> make Bucky feel better, and they kept on talking for the better part of an hour as well. Bucky could hardly recall what exactly was said, but the gist of it was always enough to help him – he was pretty sure therapy was magic.</p><p>Especially since by the time Steve came around, Bucky knew what the first thing was that he would reveal. </p><p> </p><p>A day later, at the agreed time, in Bucky’s suite, Steve proved that he could use his mind properly if he was forced to. He finally caught up to the fact that Bucky was testing him, but only after he drank Clint's blasphemous wine. </p><p>And then he saw right through Bucky when it mattered the most. When Bucky said he wouldn’t mind more one-night stands, Steve said, “You're lying" instinctively, only to then blush adorably. </p><p>Bucky's heart melted at the sight. "You're right,” he said. “I don't want to repeat last time.”</p><p>If Steve had bared himself, earlier, at Tony's party, then Bucky could return the favor. That was the least that Steve deserved. </p><p>“The sex, I'd like to have more of, if you are willing. I enjoyed that. But I enjoyed the night before just as much, just... talking with you.”</p><p>It hurt. If he opened himself up to the wrong person, the consequences could be deadly. </p><p>But Steve wasn't like that; he learned the power of kindness, and he didn't shun Bucky out. </p><p>“I enjoyed that too,” Steve said, giving Bucky hope. </p><p>“What I didn't enjoy waking up to an empty bed,” Bucky admitted, and Steve, even though he didn't know about his past or his panic attack or any of his issues, understood him. </p><p> </p><p>They moved in perfect sync, Bucky thrusting into Steve, and he couldn't stop the string of praises coming from his lips. He wanted Steve to know how much it had meant to Bucky that Steve let him in, emotionally and physically, and sometimes sex was the best language of all. He made sure that Steve came before him, that Steve was comfortable and satisfied, that he was looked after. </p><p>Then it was time to share something that Bucky had been meaning to, all along, just bracing for and building up to the moment. </p><p>“My name is Bucky,” he said, proud at how confident he sounded.</p><p>And when Steve asked why, or how, a Russian guy would be named James Buchanan Barnes, the time came for one more test.</p><p>“I can't tell you," he said. “I want to, and I will, I think. Just not yet.”</p><p>He did not say he was sorry, even though he was. He did not beg for understanding, because Steve, he hoped, would give it to him freely.</p><p>And he did, and Bucky could breathe freely. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. tell me that we'll be just fine even when I lose my mind</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you like emotional rollercoasters ;)</p><p> </p><p>Chapter 6: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1SymEzIT3H8UZfibCs3TYi?si=47a41c2743a24b90">Afterglow</a></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p></p><div class="ujudUb">
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    <em>Just wanna lift you up and not let you go</em>
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</div><div class="ujudUb">
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    <em>This ultraviolet morning light below</em>
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</div><div class="ujudUb">
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    <em>Tells me this love is worth the fight, oh</em>
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</div><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Steve kept staring at the computer's screen, hands hovering over the keyboard.</p><p>"I'm not sure how to do this," he said aloud.</p><p>Bucky looked up from his knitting. "You said you had an idea." </p><p>"But now I'm thinking maybe I should wait until Fall," Steve said. "There's like veterans' day and mental health awareness day then."</p><p>"Steve," Bucky said, putting his needles down so he could lean forward, making his hair fell into his eyes. "It doesn't matter what occasion you chose. You are speaking out because you want to, the date is just an alibi."</p><p>Gillian had said something similar, and Steve had agreed. However, he wasn't so sure anymore.</p><p>"What's holding you back?" Bucky asked, kindly, softly. </p><p>Since they got together – one and a half years ago, dear Lord, it felt like a week and a decade at the same time – Steve became better about analyzing his reasons instead of jumping headfirst into stupid shit. Problem with that was that now he had time to <em>worry </em>before doing said stupid shit.</p><p>"I don't want to do harm," he said after a bit of consideration. "Whatever I say or do is blown up and analyzed by everybody. I could, I don't know, I could mess this up. I'm not good at speaking. Or writing."</p><p>"You are an excellent speaker," Bucky disagreed, and shook his head when Steve wanted to argue. "You can motivate people, Steve. Do you think they only used you in the forties because of your looks?"</p><p>"I was rubbish at first."</p><p>"But not anymore, and you know it. Remember how you calmed everybody down after my outing. You are <em> great </em> at making speeches – some may even call them lectures."</p><p>Steve snorted. "Tony, you mean."</p><p>"Who else," Bucky grinned. "But I'm serious. And yeah, it will be taken apart, but that shouldn't stop you, and I know it won't, not really. People respond to you because of your honesty, even if you mess up some of the details. You can't live your life in fear, and again, I know you won't."</p><p>Steve never really had an inner voice of reason, but listening to Bucky, it felt like he finally found an exterior one. </p><p>"You're right," he said.</p><p>"I know, but it's nice to see it openly acknowledged by you," Bucky smiled, and took his needles back up. Steve stared at the thin wooden pieces swirling in his hands and the light glinting on the metal. Bucky was working on a new scarf: vibrant purple interwoven with dark navy spots to cheer his darker jackets up. The weather was already too warm for it, but Steve knew that they would both appreciate the option in a few months. </p><p>"VE day is coming up and I wanted to grab the occasion to talk about something that isn't talked about enough, in my opinion," he began typing, erasing every other word twice to make sure it came out how he wanted to. "Even when a war is won and the soldiers come home, there are some things that..."</p><p>He paused. This really would be better suited for another day, but there was no way he was going to wait until September. He was ready <em>now</em>. He needed to be careful and controlled about everything else, like his coming out, but he wanted to take the chance with this, at least.</p><p>"...there are some things that are changed forever for every member of the Armed Forces. For me, that was waking up in a new century, and I know so many people can relate to that on some level. I had a very hard time adjusting to the civilian world: not jumping at the noise the toaster made, not locating the exit in every room I entered, not looking at the way strangers wore their jackets, checking for hidden guns. I, all honesty, I still do that.”</p><p>Becoming an Avenger did not help with this, he knew. But this was not about that, not right now.</p><p>"Being a soldier of any kind is a dual experience: there are days when you are 'normal': you go out with your friends, you have fun, you're just like anybody else. Then on other days, all you can think about are the targets and strategies and casualties and damage control, and it is extremely hard to balance the two. There are many who can't; who need to drink or medicate in order to function. I am one of the lucky ones because I have found friends who went through what I have gone through; who were able to get me the help that I needed."</p><p>Sam, and Nat, and Bucky, and really, every Avenger that Steve was working with could have been listed. But so could Amy, and Brad, and Shaun – the people who opened up about their struggles and made Steve feel less alone. Which brought him to the point.</p><p>"I'd like to encourage everybody in the Armed Forces, enlisted or veteran, to talk about what they are going through, and the rest to listen to what they have to say. I had nightmares, I couldn’t sleep, I was restless, I couldn’t eat and I completely lost interest in my earlier hobbies. Until I began opening up to my teammates, I thought that everything was okay with me. Then I began to question why I was so different from the people I saw on TV or heard of in the news. It wasn't until I went to a support group that my therapist told me I had PTSD, and everything made sense."</p><p>Gillian wasn't the first to say that, but she was the one who said it right when and where Steve needed to hear it. </p><p>"That is usually what comes with being a soldier. That is what comes with being an Avenger. That is what comes with abuse, let that be physical or mental, in a family or in a schoolyard, and yet we still treat having a therapist like something reserved only for the 'crazy ones'. Let me tell you, that's not the case."</p><p>Some could call what the Avengers did crazy, but Steve hoped that wouldn't negate his message.</p><p>"It took me years to realize that, but now that I do, I don’t want to wait until Veteran's Day or Mental Health Awareness Day to say something. I think there are a lot of people who need to hear it, who may read about what my life was like and realize the similarities with theirs. I wish they find a group, or a therapist, or an advocate who can get them the help they need. Whether they serve(d) or not, everybody deserves to get better."</p><p>He read through the whole thing, then sat back with a sigh.</p><p>"Done?" Bucky asked.</p><p>Steve nodded and turned the screen, and Bucky came over to read it.</p><p>"I think it's moving and inspiring," he said and kissed Steve's forehead. "I love it."</p><p>"I wish my past self could have read it," Steve said. </p><p>"He needed to be ready to do so," Bucky pointed out, and Steve nodded again. He then added a note with some helplines, sent the text to Pepper in an email, because PR needed to proofread this before it got out, and shut the computer. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The reactions were, as expected, mixed.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @mailonline: CAPTAIN AMERICA SPEAKS OUT ABOUT PTSD – a PR move or an honest confession? </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @FoxNews: Is Cap stable to continue?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @CNN: #capspokeout and you should listen, too</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>The articles, Steve paid less attention to than some of the individual tweets and other mentions at him.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @fiercepierce: @realsteverogers i know what you're going through and i'm glad you found help. #capspokeout</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @dianegreen: #capspokeout if i had heard this when i came back i maybe would've gone to therapy sooner </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @capusfanclub: #capspokeout about something that is important to every soldier and veteran. Read his statement here and show your support!</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @smashpoke69: friendly reminder that it's okay to speak out about your trauma. it doesn't make you whiny or seeking attention, it means you are coping. don't stop #capspokeout</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @JBarnes: I’m so proud of @realsteverogers for speaking up. I know it’s been on his mind and wasn’t easy but he did it anyway. #capspokeout</p><p> </p><p>There were some he had to ignore, like when he was called un-American or when someone said it was just a misguided PR move, but he was glad even for those. It would be a good practice for when he came out, because then the backlash would surely be worse.</p><p>He found he cared less than he had expected after seeing the naysaying responses. Maybe it was because of his age, or maybe he had simply calmed enough by Bucky's side, but he was fine with not trying to prove his right to the whole world. There were many whose minds he would never change, especially not with force, so he focused on the ones that mattered instead. </p><p>Besides, it wasn’t public approval he was after. All he hoped to do was help those that were too ashamed to ask for help, like he had been.</p><p>He got a round of claps from Gillian, Brad, Shaun and Amy during the next session, and he ducked his head shyly because that also wasn't why he did it.</p><p>"My nephew said he's glad I also go to group therapy," Brad said proudly. </p><p>"I heard rumors about more state funding being considered for the VA," Gillian said. "But even if that doesn't go through, what matters is that you took a step that is important to <em>you."</em></p><p>"What's your next world-changing move?" Amy asked with a genuine grin. </p><p>"I don't know," Steve said. "We will come out, eventually, but not yet. I've been thinking about breaking my lease, though."</p><p>"Wow," Shaun exclaimed. "That's huge! Will you move in with James?" </p><p>"Officially," Steve grinned. "I already live there as it is, so there's no point keeping the flat."</p><p>"Wonderful," Gillian said. "There are big changes in your life. How are you feeling about them?"</p><p>"Ready," Steve said. "More ready than I've ever been, I think." </p><p>If they wanted separate spaces, their suites in the Tower would be available until Tony was alive, or maybe even longer knowing him and his desire to take care of others. And Steve really only went back to his place near the Brooklyn Bridge to make sure it was even there: he stored seasonal clothing and whatever clutter he didn't need with him at Bucky's, and cleaned it out occasionally, but he couldn't remember the last time he had actually <em> slept </em> there. </p><p>He could store his stuff at his suite and have them just as available as it was Brooklyn.</p><p>He wouldn't miss the space much, not when he made another home for himself, which, cheesy as it sounded, was wherever Bucky was. The gym and the studio were... convenient, but convenience, he could live without. </p><p>That place belonged to a different Steve, a Steve that was alone, and suffering, and pretending, and trying his hardest to fit into an unwelcoming world. </p><p><em> This </em> Steve was ready to move on.</p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: Thank you for your kind feedback. If my story helped just one person it was worth sharing. Remember to be kind to each other and yourselves.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @FoxNews: Brave encouragement, but what for - is Captain Rogers supporting no accountability?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: For those wondering @realsteverogers is encouraging compassion, which doesn’t have to come at the expense of accountability.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @rakefirehiny: @JBarnes @FoxNews wasn’t talking to you &amp; you shouldn’t speak for someone you don’t know. second compassion is for other people, not one self.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @NYCforCap: @rakefirehiny please read Cap's statement again and stop harassing the #avengers.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bar-seeing, as they called it, was one of Steve and Bucky's favorite past-times. They could never drink enough to get inebriated, but since they preferred the flavor of alcohol, they tried every cocktail and drink and beverage they could find, the more extreme, the better. And bars just had that atmosphere about them, with the low, orange lights and the buzzing of voices around, where they could hide in plain sight and have a 'public' date. </p><p>And nothing was like flirting for two or three hours without any physical contact, then jumping on each other the moment they got back home.</p><p>The next place Steve found online looked right up their alley with small, live-edge wooden booth tables and a dim atmosphere. Bucky pulled on an oversized Garfield shirt and baggy jeans, hiding his muscles and his black metal arm, while Steve went for a loose Henley and faded jeans; something that Cap would never be seen in, and they headed out.</p><p>Bucky ordered a Bon Vivant because he'd been meaning to try it for some time, and Steve a Pisco Sour, because he had developed a taste for it. The latter tasted okay, although he had had better before. The Bon Vivant, however, turned Bucky off.</p><p>"I didn't think it would be this bitter," Bucky said with a disappointed frown.</p><p>"Have mine, I'll try yours," Steve offered, then regretted it: the Bon Vivant tasted nothing like what the card had promised. Bucky brought them two glasses of Old Fashioned to wash them down with, but those, in turn, were too sweet for Steve.</p><p>"So it's one out of two for both of us so far," Bucky said.</p><p>"Yeah. And it's your turn to choose now."</p><p>Bucky went to the bar and waited for the barman to spot him. When the line was growing, another joined the first barman, but instead of helping out, she turned the music up to what may have been okay for humans but was almost hurtful for Steve. </p><p>After a few minutes of futile waiting, Bucky got back to their table without the drinks.</p><p>"How 'bout we get out instead?" he asked, and Steve nodded thankfully, trying his best to ignore the beginning of a headache.</p><p>"Let's head home and raid the fridge," he said. "I think we have enough there."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Which do you want? Beer, wine, or stronger?" Steve asked once inside after he cataloged their options. He didn't even turn the living room light on, just used the fridge's yellow glow to navigate him. The headache was getting worse, but maybe they could just light some candles and have an atmospheric night. </p><p>"Wine," Bucky said. "Red, dry?"</p><p>"Got it," Steve regretfully closed the door on the refreshing coldness, but at least the wine would be cool too. </p><p>"Thanks," Bucky said, muffled. </p><p>Steve carried the wine to the couch with two glasses, but by then Bucky had turned the main lights on and disappeared.</p><p>"Can we keep the lights low?" Steve asked. </p><p>"In a minute. I need to change the litter."</p><p>"Now?" </p><p>Bucky was at the corner by the litter box, clattering with the scooper. "Yeah, I forgot to do it in the morning."</p><p>"Can't it wait?" </p><p>As Bucky scooped the litter, dust particles filled the air, and Steve's already sensitive mind connected it to the once-frequent feeling of his asthma attacks. </p><p>"She won't use it if it smells bad," Bucky said.</p><p>"But now everything will smell," Steve said, because already, the intense, nauseating smell of cat droppings penetrated the air, banishing the fresh, lovely smell of the spring night.</p><p>"Yeah, for like, five minutes," Bucky said. "But if she poops on the carpet then we'll never get it out."</p><p>That wasn't what Steve suggested, and he pulled his shoulders up. "I didn't say we shouldn't clean it at all, just that maybe it could wait a few more hours."</p><p>And maybe there was something in his voice that he didn’t hear, but Bucky did, because he replied in a challenging tone, "Yeah, well, <em> we </em> could wait, but <em> I </em> couldn't”</p><p>"What's that supposed to mean?"</p><p>"That it's my cat and since I'm the one cleaning the litter, I do it when I think it's best, even if you don't like it."</p><p>Steve had hardly ever heard Bucky snapping like that, and the glasses made a 'ping' as he bumped them together. He hastily put them on the coffee table, and when he straightened, Bucky was also upright, the tied bag of cat poop in his hand.</p><p>"And I guess she was also your cat when <em> I </em> rushed to the vet with her last month after she swallowed that bug and threw up all over the cushions," Steve bit back, now with only the wine bottle in his hand. "And when I cleaned <em> your </em> apartment up after <em> your </em> cat, hm?"</p><p>Bucky inhaled sharply. Steve briefly considered that maybe his tone was more acidic than it should've been, but he couldn't decide – or care too much – through the pounding in his head.</p><p>"Was I supposed to fly home from Indonesia?" Bucky asked. "I'm sure that would've gone down well with Coulson. 'I'm sorry, Sir, but my cat is sick and my boyfriend can't clean up the vomit because he says it's my cat'," he said mockingly.</p><p>"Fiancé, not boyfriend," Steve said reflexively.</p><p>"Wow, you are a stickler today, aren't you."</p><p>Steve hadn't really been feeling angry until that point. Then a hot jolt rushed through his body, not unlike the ones he felt before heading into battle.</p><p>"I'm sorry if our engagement means something more to me than what it apparently means to you."</p><p>Bucky looked like he was slapped; he even swayed backward. </p><p>"I didn't say that," he said in a low voice.</p><p>"Well, it sounded like you did," Steve said. "I understand if you'd rather not marry such a 'stickler' and have to tell Coulson that your husband doesn't let you have any fun."</p><p>He could barely force the words out. The thought of Bucky not wanting to marry him anymore squeezed his heart more than any asthma attack ever had. </p><p>Bucky just stared at him for a long moment without any expression on his face, and the fear of losing him intensified in Steve. But he didn't back down. He wouldn't. He <em> wouldn't</em>.</p><p>"I am going to sleep at the Tower tonight," Bucky finally said in an utterly emotionless voice. Steve blinked at him. "You will be sleeping here."</p><p>"Why?" Steve asked dumbly.</p><p>"Because I don't want to see you right now," Bucky said. "You can sleep with Amanda, maybe that will help you put things into perspective. And you can take out the garbage."</p><p>With that, he tossed the tied bag of poop at Steve who dropped the wine to catch it. The bottle fell to the ground, but didn’t break as it hit the plush carpet, just rolled under the couch. By the time Steve fished it out, Bucky was gone. </p><p> </p><p>He couldn't sleep a single second that night. First, he put the wine back in the fridge and took the trash out; then he laid down on the couch with the lights off.</p><p>Amanda jumped onto his belly and began to purr and knead heavily; a testament to how much time he was spending at Bucky's.</p><p>Bucky's. </p><p>God. Why– why.</p><p>It took a long time for the events to sink in. For a while, all Steve could focus on was the pounding in his head, which Amanda's purring only increased. Then, slowly, she calmed Steve down with her relaxed, slow blinks and how she rolled onto her back and let Steve put his hand on her belly. </p><p>He expected Bucky to come home every minute, because surely he wouldn't <em> really </em> go to Manhattan in the middle of the night. </p><p>But the minutes passed, the time only marked by the low hum of traffic outside, and Bucky didn't come back. </p><p>The pounding in his mind transformed into a horrible haze that still prevented clear thinking. He kept his phone in his hand in case Bucky called him and debated calling Sam or Nat or Gillian, or anybody, really, but he had no idea what he could tell them. </p><p>What even was this argument about? </p><p>Surely more than cat litter, but he couldn't remember.</p><p>Sam would just say that Bucky had walked out on him before. But this wasn't... that wasn't... this wasn't like that. </p><p>Around 3AM Steve managed to get up and dial the number that was connected to JARVIS.</p><p>"How can I help you, Captain Rogers?"</p><p>"Hey, JARVIS. Is Bucky there?"</p><p>A pause.</p><p>"Yes, he is in his quarters. He told me he wishes not to talk to anybody right now, I'm sorry to say."</p><p>"That's... okay," Steve said. </p><p>It had been months since Bucky had asked that. It had been years since Bucky hid his emotions from Steve.</p><p>"Thanks, JARVIS," he said and hung up.</p><p> </p><p>Around five, Steve got up to watch the Sun rise. He sat at the window as the light crawled between the buildings, not really feeling its supposed warmth on his skin.</p><p>He fed Amanda on autopilot but made nothing for himself. </p><p>He walked into the bedroom, stood in the doorway for a while, staring at the bed, before deciding that he wasn't going to lay in it.</p><p>Back on the couch, Amanda jumped back on him, but instead of purring carelessly, she kept intermittently meowing rather disapprovingly at him.</p><p>"It's not my fault he's not here," he said defensively. </p><p>But he wasn't sure.</p><p>Only two things stood out to him clearly: the comment about him being a stickler and that Bucky didn't consider Amanda to be Steve's.</p><p>Both were true, technically.</p><p>But both hurt equally, and he couldn't have explained why. But he knew he must have reacted badly. He <em>always</em> did.</p><p>The rest of their argument was just one hazy blur of stones in his stomach. Guilt pulled him down without even knowing the specifics, and he almost texted Tony to urge him to invent a time machine so that he could go back and just... unmake this mess.</p><p>Instead, he aired the flat out because he couldn't convince his mind that the smell was gone, and he kept getting waves of nausea that he never usually got from the litter.</p><p>Every nerve of his body was honing in on the door, hoping that it would open and let Bucky in. </p><p>"I'm an idiot," he told Amanda, who blinked up at him without judgement. </p><p>The taxi to the Tower took forever, but the idea of taking the train and being around people made him want to scratch his skin off, and he didn't want to risk riding his bike in this state. </p><p>He rode the elevator up without bothering to ask JARVIS, then tried to open Bucky's suite on autopilot – only to find it closed.</p><p>"JARVIS?" he asked.</p><p>"Mr. Barnes left the Tower ten minutes ago, Captain."</p><p>"Where?"</p><p>Maybe he went home? Hope blossomed in Steve's chest.</p><p>Jarvis hesitated, but then answered. "He said he would take a walk around the block."</p><p>His heart rocketed with bone-crushing speed, but he was done waiting. He rushed down the steps, taking them two at the time before he lost the one thing he cared about most.</p><p> </p><p>He had no plan other than walking and looking around on the streets. The only mantra running through his head was 'find Bucky, find Bucky, find Bucky', and the best option seemed to be running in circles.</p><p>He started around the block of the Tower and Grand Central, looking for a needle in the hay, ie. an ex-assassin with excellent camouflage skills in the middle of New York at the crack of dawn. </p><p>To lessen his chances, the barely-up Sun disappeared and it began to drizzle, then fall properly when he made it to Madison Avenue. </p><p>The Sun hadn't had the chance to warm the day up yet, and the cold seeped through his clothes and settled in his bones within minutes. He looked left and right at every corner, peering through the curtain of rain, hoping to see that familiar outline, that missing silhouette in the eerie greyness.</p><p>The early morning traffic was the scarcest he'd seen in this century, and passers-by ignored Steve as they went their hurried way or huddled under the protection of their umbrellas.</p><p>He stood on the corner of 5th and 39th, looking all four directions, then even upwards. The night lights were still on, reflecting on the pavement stones, casting light and shadows everywhere. </p><p>He closed his eyes and wished he could find a guiding star, something, anything to lead him. Him, the one with the white star on his uniform that didn't feel like his anymore, the man out of time who lost the one he loved.</p><p>When he opened them again, Bucky was standing in front of him, water dripping on his hair, and looking at Steve with black eyes. And Steve's heart broke when he deciphered that under the guarded expression on Bucky's face lay pure heartbreak that Steve was responsible for.</p><p>"I'm sorry," Steve said immediately. He had no speech planned; nothing that could move a nation would be able to move Bucky. "I shouldn't have said what I said and I never wanted to hurt you. I was an idiot and overreacted."</p><p>Bucky nodded but didn't say anything. </p><p>"If I could, I would take it all back. I– please forgive me."</p><p>Bucky licked his lips, then wiped a stray tear from his face that Steve hadn't noticed before. "Yeah, I do, Stevie, I do."</p><p>Steve fell forward, and Bucky caught him mid-motion.</p><p>“I’m sorry too,” Bucky said, rubbing his back while holding onto him with crushing force. "It's not all about you. I could've done a lot better – I shouldn’t have left you."</p><p>Steve held onto him stronger.</p><p>"I was such an idiot, I don't even remember how we got there," he mumbled into Bucky's shoulder. "I just had a headache and I don't even know, I don't even know why I said what I said..."</p><p>"We were tired and in a bad mood – but you came after me.”</p><p>“Of course, I just needed to get my shit together.”</p><p>“I’m sorry I left you to do the walk of shame,” Bucky said intensely. "And Amanda is yours as much as mine. I shouldn't have- I freaked out."</p><p>Steve nodded, and he let go of Bucky so that they could see each others' faces.</p><p>"I don't have a lot of experience with this," Steve said.</p><p>"What, making a fool of yourself?" Bucky cocked a smile, and Steve huffed out a wet laugh.</p><p>"Yeah. Point. But also, relationships, I'm not– we got further than me with anybody else before."</p><p>Bucky swallowed and nodded. "I think I've watched more relationships in movies than I've lived through, and I don't even watch romance stories."</p><p>"But we can do this,” Steve said and hated that it came out as more a question than a statement.</p><p>"Yes," Bucky said strongly. "I want to keep what we have, Steve. You’re… the best thing in my life. Even when you're an idiot. When we’re <em> both </em> idiots.”</p><p>Steve surged in to peck a kiss onto Bucky's lips; just a small one to make his hopeful little smile a bit bigger. Bucky kept him close, and they rested their foreheads together.</p><p>"I love you," Steve said.</p><p>"I love you too," Bucky said. </p><p>In the back of a taxi, they held each others' hands, not caring if anybody saw them, and at home, they barely had the energy to change into dry clothes and crawl into bed together as the morning horizon got painted with a violet stripe as the Sun came back strong to chase the rainclouds away. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Not every song on the album will have a corresponding chapter; the second half of this one was partially inspired by Me!.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. they say home is where the heart is</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 7: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1LLXZFeAHK9R4xUramtUKw?si=72adde5810c74c4b"><em>London Boy</em></a> (but may I direct you to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UO0N7j9yI10">this live version</a> too)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>He likes my American smile</em>
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  <em>Like a child when our eyes meet, darling, I fancy you</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Bucky could still recall what coming to New York for the first time – or, more precisely, for the first time with a relatively sound body and mind – was like. </p><p>What carried him was the desire to clean his ledger, to eventually counter the bad he had done under the Red Room's command, and for that, he needed to reintegrate into civilian life. The city was loud and bright at first, especially after the open fields of his farm, and it didn’t smell much better than the goats. The technology was way less developed than what he had gotten used to, barring maybe in Tony's field of gravity, but at the same time the cars and lights never ceased in their perpetual motions, not even at night, whereas in Wakanda he could only hear cicadas after dark. </p><p>He did not like it, and he thought that he would never feel at home there. He had no ties to Russia, other than the trail of blood he had shed there, but Wakanda came to be as close to his home as possible. His memories were not only recovered there, but he was able to make new ones, ones that didn’t have him wake up screaming at night.  There he re-learned how to sleep and eat and behave like a human, especially behave like a human around people. Princess Shuri became his first friend of the new world, and the person who reawakened his scientific interest – he read everything he could about how his arm, the hovercrafts, and even the simplest hairdryer worked, and then he disassembled and reassembled everything he could get his hands on. </p><p>His mind got calmer if his hands were occupied, whether that be with knitting needles or pliers or measuring spoons.</p><p>Then he moved to New York.</p><p>For a long while, he preferred the inside of his flat to the city outside. Nat found him the place, introduced him to her friend Clint, and Bucky rented the place from what he got from SHIELD as a consultant and his other savings. Even though he couldn't really bear the city at first, he was okay at his place. He had Kimoyo, a reassuring presence who did not judge him and reminded him of the lush rainforests he left behind. </p><p>Shuri sent boxfulls of carpets and curtains and throws and pillows after him, and when he stepped inside, the familiar colors and patterns flowed around him with calming waves. He baked every recipe he could find and read every novel he could get his hands on and tried every video game available, and adopted Amanda, which was one of the best decisions of his life. He went to Aziz for therapy thrice, then twice, then once a week, and he had coffee dates with Nat whenever she was in town, and talked to Shuri almost every day. </p><p>Still, no matter what, no one (especially not Brock, who took up less and less space in Bucky’s mind) had been able to fill the emptiness in his life. </p><p>But that was putting the cart before the horse: Bucky had no idea how empty his life had been back then. In Wakanda, he never felt alone. There was life around him wherever he went, let that be farm animals or the local kids and farmers, or the royal family. In New York, there were people around him who didn’t care, which was a blessing and a curse in equal measure. He wasn’t stared at, but he wasn’t approached either. His neighbors never shunned him, but they never invited him over either. It was as if he was invisible to the world, alone in unbreakable isolation.</p><p>And then he met Steve, and New York transformed in front of his eyes. </p><p>
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</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: [Image of him holding a cone of ice cream] @realsteverogers knows the best places to get ice cream in New York.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes I’m glad you like it! :happy_smiley:</p><p>
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</p><p>Even when Steve took him to Coney Island to give him the rings on that unbearably grey March day, he saw exactly what Steve saw in the place, why the beach and the attractions took up such an important place in his heart. Even when they argued on a rainy street corner, soaked through the bones and wishing they knew how <em> not </em> to hurt each other sometimes, the neon lights were like beautiful sparks that showed them the way home. </p><p>"I got us tickets," Steve announced as he flew into the apartment with the excitement of an uncoordinated puppy. "And this time we're wearing <em> my </em> disguise: baseball caps!"</p><p>"When has that ever worked," Bucky groaned.</p><p>"At baseball games," Steve said, accent changing slightly to that beautiful drawl so few heard from him. Bucky loved it: their small, shared secret, a part of Steve's past that he was comfortable to show around Bucky.</p><p>"I thought you didn’t like baseball since the Dodgers left?" Bucky asked, for once in his life being absolutely unable to relate to Steve's emotional state.</p><p>"That was like, 60 years ago," Steve shrugged. "A guy can move on, eventually."</p><p>Bucky raised an eyebrow, because Steve was full of shit, but he didn’t want to burst his bubble. </p><p>"So who are we watching?" </p><p>"The Houston Astros are coming to be beaten by the Yankees," Steve said confidently. </p><p>"Famous last words," Bucky murmured.</p><p>He had to give it to Steve though, the baseball jackets and caps ensured that nobody glanced their way in the stadium – because everybody else was wearing a similar ensemble as well.  </p><p>"How long is this thing again?" Bucky asked, eyeing the hot dog stands – and the long-ass lines one would have to stand in to get some food. </p><p>"Depends," Steve said. </p><p>"On what?"</p><p>"On the score?" Steve asked back. "We’ve watched matches before, remember?"</p><p>"I wasn't too invested in them," Bucky shrugged, because each time Steve sat down to watch a match, Bucky usually baked in the background, or played with Amanda, or did one of the hundreds of more interesting and engaging activities. </p><p>"Well, now you can experience the magic live."</p><p>After they fueled up with hot dogs, the largest bags of popcorns, and enough drinks for a small army, Bucky had to admit that the whole shebang got a lot more tolerable. He picked up the rules quickly, and enjoyed the running commentary that Steve kept up, their heads angled towards each other intimately. </p><p>"Wait a minute," he said during a long stretch of nothing. "Did you deliberately bring me to a match where Texas is being said in every other minute?"</p><p>"And why would I do that," Steve grinned. </p><p>Once Bucky realized Steve’s ploy, he couldn't unhear it, and he spent the remainder of the match in a semi-uncomfortable state of half-arousal at the constant reminder of their previous safe word.</p><p>"You are evil," Bucky said when he finally, <em> finally </em> pushed Steve against the wall of their bedroom. </p><p>"I had to act nice for days at that ceremony," Steve gasped when Bucky rolled his hips. "I thought you'd understand my – ahh – pain."</p><p>"Oh, so it's about pain, isn't it," Bucky grinned, nudging Steve's legs apart for better access. "Get undressed by the time I get back with your collar."</p><p>"Yes, Sergeant," Steve breathed, pupils dilated, and Bucky decided that he could get used to baseball after all. </p><p> </p><p>Brooklyn especially opened up to Bucky when Steve was by his side. He frequently imagined a skinny, sickly blond twink on every corner, could almost see him sketching on a bench or hurrying home with the groceries only to be beaten up by whomever he decided wasn't behaving nicely enough. Bucky wished he could've been there, because based on the stories Steve had to share, he could've used a bigger guy in his corner. </p><p>They took long walks especially after dark, under the glowing sky and the night lights of the city, to explore what the bars had to offer. Their worst experience had been the one before their fight in May with the awful Bon Vivant, which Bucky felt like never trying again, and the overly sweet Old Fashions, but they found enough places to more than make up for the bad ones. There was that one with the live piano that Bucky always liked to nod along to; the one where they only played really soft jazz that Steve got all moony-eyed over; and the one with the gay baristas who recognized Steve and Bucky and made it a point to give them as much privacy as they wanted. </p><p>Coffee shops were also a win, even during summer, where they could get iced <em> everything </em>. Bucky preferred a small, Arabian place on 16th Avenue that they stumbled into accidentally, because it had a killer coffee selection. Their golden lattes and chai chocolates were especially to die for; however, Steve's favorite was the one with the single old lady as the owner and barista. He claimed it was because of the raspberry lemonades, but Bucky could tell that the real reason had more to do with how they both remembered the old deli next door from the 30s. Steve always got a bit misty-eyed when she talked about her youth, and Bucky listened to him reminisce about what his childhood had been like. </p><p> </p><p>Oddly enough, it was Bucky that preferred museums more than Steve. He had liked them when he came here: they’d been an outlet for him to learn about the past he missed in a more tangible way than what books and videos had to offer. And he had discovered that they were more fun than what most people assumed with their interactive shows and over-the-top exhibitions.</p><p>But the best was when he got to discuss it with someone by his side.</p><p>"How about that grimoire?" Bucky asked, pointing to a huge, leather-bound book on the shelf. "It has <em> amethysts </em> embedded on the cover– no way that is handmade."</p><p>"That is fine, I've heard you can learn that, but look at these baskets!" Steve dragged Bucky a few steps over, where a woven basket had dancing cats embedded to the side. Also handwoven, hence Steve's awe.</p><p>"I've seen the likes of that in Wakanda," Bucky said.</p><p>"And I've seen books in the library."</p><p>"Smartass," Bucky grinned.</p><p>The Folk Art Museum was just one of the many, many they visited together. They went to classic galleries where Steve sat and sketched statues, like an art student; the Museum of the Moving Image, where Bucky had seen nearly every movie and could identify even the most abstract posters; and the MoMa, where they could argue about what art was and why.</p><p>In fact, that was one where they were almost got recognized by a guard. Bucky started teasing Steve, because a riled-up Steve was very entertaining to be around, and also because his opinions got unashamedly honest when he got a bit angry. Except then he was hard to cool down, especially when Bucky agreed with him about how appreciating the art was fine, but appreciating the artist when he had been an asshole and probably a child molester was maybe taking things a bit too far.</p><p>Bucky even tried to convince Steve to hold his own exhibit; God knew he painted and sketched enough for it. The piece he did for their first Christmas for Bucky was just one of the many that Bucky displayed proudly at home, to the eternal embarrassment of a shy Steve.</p><p>"My art isn't good enough for that, come on, Buck. You saw what people display nowadays."</p><p>"Yeah, three black dots on a white canvas, we saw it together!"</p><p>"That's not the point of those types," Steve sighed because he was a nerd. </p><p>"I know; all I'm saying is that if there's people to see three black dots on a white canvas, there would be people to see what you have to make."</p><p>"Only because I'm Cap," Steve waved. "My art is fine on your walls, and that's the best I could wish for them."</p><p>Except, Bucky thought, they were running out of place to hang them. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: [Image of a dinosaur] The remains of these huge creatures are fascinating.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers Told you. But the flying ones should have feathers, not scales on the illustration panels.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes True. I’m sure someone’s already drew them like that.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers So could you!</p><p>
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</p><p>The lack of enough space had him thinking in the following weeks no matter where they went. On the one-way streets amongst brownstones or the more extraordinary ones, there was a nagging feeling in the back of Bucky's mind that he couldn't shake off. </p><p>Except when he had a new, more interesting aspect to focus on.</p><p>"Wait, you haven't seen the Statue of Liberty?" he gaped at Steve.</p><p>"Every New Yorker has seen it," Steve shrugged. </p><p>"Yeah, but I mean <em> inside </em>."</p><p>That was one of the first places Bucky had visited when he came to the city: he wanted to look down, to gauge the size and the depth that the Big Apple had in store for him. He even went there with Rumlow, though why and what it was like, he couldn't recall anymore. </p><p>"We could go," Bucky offered.</p><p>"I'm fine without the symbolism," Steve said. "You know, freedom, liberty, the American way..." he gestured at the closet where they stored their uniforms.</p><p>"If you don't like the stars and stripes, just show a new design to Coulson," Bucky said, getting off-track. "I liked the dark blue one you drew before Halloween once."</p><p>"I felt like that was too..." Steve trailed off. “It didn’t feel right.”</p><p>"You could put some stars on it?"</p><p>"Yeah, and we'd be back on square one," Steve sighed. </p><p> </p><p>There was no easy way of cheering him up, especially not when July had had so many emotionally exhausting aspects. But Bucky could be a little shit, and because Steve was one, too, that usually helped.</p><p>"Hey, Steve, could you come here a moment?" Bucky asked one day on a lazy and hot August day.</p><p>Steve did, putting his tablet down to join Bucky at the kitchen immediately.</p><p>"What's up?" He immediately zoomed in on the big carton box on the counter.</p><p>"Surprise," Bucky said, and when Steve got close enough he cut the tape with his knife.</p><p>Steve peered inside curiously, and Bucky lifted the item out of the package.</p><p>"What is– no way," Steve said, horrified.</p><p>"Yes way," Bucky grinned and put it on Steve's head, who was too stunned to protest.</p><p>It was a cheap plastic, corroded green hat in the shape of the crown of Lady Liberty. It was too big and barely stayed upright on Steve's head long enough for Bucky to snap a photo, which he then sent to the team chat.</p><p>"Hey!" Steve tried to push his hand away, but Bucky held him close with his other arm, tickling Steve's side, and Steve giggled, bringing those beautiful dimples into life. "You asshole!"</p><p>"You said it yourself, Mister Liberty," Bucky said, chortling with laughter.</p><p>"I hate you," Steve said, but Bucky didn't take it to heart – Steve was laughing so hard, he could barely get the words out.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, can I talk to you?" Steve asked him a few days later.</p><p>"I was just about to ask the same thing," Bucky said. He’d had a very tiring mission and just got back two days prior; tiring because it involved long stretches of nothing to do but think about and miss Steve tremendously. "But you go first."</p><p>He put Amanda down and pulled his feet under him; Steve sat down onto the other end of the sofa and extended his legs so that his feet were flushed against Bucky's thighs.</p><p>"Would you post the photo you took of me? To your Twitter?"</p><p>"What, the one with the statue crown?" Bucky asked. "Sure. People will talk, though."</p><p>"Yeah. And I wanted to talk to you about this– I'm ready to step our game up."</p><p>Bucky's heart began to beat faster, because <em>holy shit</em>.</p><p>"You mean..." he began. "Coming out?"</p><p>"Mhm," Steve nodded. "Not yet, but, um. I want to start planning our wedding. Seriously. I'm ready, Bucky."</p><p>Bucky had to remind himself to breathe. "Wow. Okay. I wasn't expecting that."</p><p>"If you don't want–"</p><p>"Of course I want," Bucky said. "But I want you to be happy, and ready, and–"</p><p>"I am," Steve said firmly. "A few months and I'd like to tell the world."</p><p>Bucky saw on Steve's that they both felt the weight of the situation – because knowing that they'd come out as a couple eventually was very different than having an exact date in mind.</p><p>"If you're with me?" Steve asked in a small voice.</p><p>"Always," Bucky said. "Until the end of the line, or something."</p><p>Steve leaned forward and drew Bucky into a fierce kiss. "I love you. How did I luck out to meet you?"</p><p>"For what, only because I wanna tell everybody that I'm banging the hottest guy in America?" Bucky grinned, and Steve kissed him again.</p><p>"A few months, okay?" Steve asked. "Let's plan this properly."</p><p>"You don't have to protect me," Bucky said.</p><p>"I want to, though," Steve said fiercely. "What did <em> you </em> want to talk about?"</p><p>"I think we should buy a place together," Bucky said.</p><p>Like a band-aid. Rip it off quickly; even though that never made the glue pull on Bucky's hairs less.</p><p>Steve blinked at him in surprise, and it took him a second to respond.</p><p>"Why?" He asked back. </p><p>Bucky appreciated his curiosity: from him, it never came out as a demand but a true request to disclose more. </p><p>"I'd like for us to have a new place for a new start," Bucky said. "Even ground, that we could shape to be ours."</p><p>He'd been thinking about this for a while: weeks, if not months. His place was just too small for them, and there was no way around that other than finding a new, bigger one. But this decision had to be made by the both of them.</p><p>"You love Bed Stuy," Steve pointed out. "I know how much this place means to you."</p><p>Bucky's eyes instinctively roamed around the living room that he had made his own after Wakanda, after being forced to start a new life in a new, unfamiliar place. And he did make it his own; every inch mirrored his personality and it was a catalog of his recovery. </p><p>"Yeah," Bucky said, absentmindedly playing with a strand of his hair. "I wouldn't have been able to give up my home earlier, yeah. But now my home is with you, Steve."</p><p>"You– we still don't have to give this place up. I like being here."</p><p>Bless his heart. Bucky loved Steve so much, sometimes he couldn't breathe from the force of it – such generous, incredible men had no right to exist in the world, it was unfair to the rest of the common folk.</p><p>"It's small for us," Bucky said. "And we don't own it. I wasn't able to settle earlier, on my own, because I was ready to leave at any moment, but now I want something final. We are getting married," he said, with a shy smile, "I'd like to commit to a home, too. With you."</p><p>"You've thought about it," Steve said, and now Bucky was willing to bet that he was buying time for himself.</p><p>"This place has served me well, but I'm ready to move on," Bucky said.</p><p>"Okay," Steve said. "Say we do– is being an Avenger reliable enough for a mortgage?"</p><p>Bucky's eyebrows began climbing upwards as he snorted.</p><p>"Mortgage?"</p><p>Steve's forehead got this little vertical line whenever he was thinking hard, making it not very easy for Bucky to concentrate on anything else.</p><p>"If you get paid what I do as an Avenger there's no way you could've saved up enough to buy a house by yourself – or a half-house because I suppose we'd pay and own fifty-fifty?" Steve waited for Bucky's answering nod, then went on. "I have enough backpay to buy one for us, but there's no way you'd let me pay for the whole thing."</p><p>"No," Bucky chuckled, "no way. But you forget I'm friends with the princess of the richest country of the world and with the ex-CEO and still-genius of the most profitable company of Earth?"</p><p>He raised an eyebrow, and Steve snorted. </p><p>"As if you'd accept, let alone ask for anything more valuable than a pair of shoelaces from either," he grinned.</p><p>Bucky grinned back. "You know me far too well."</p><p>"I endeavor to," Steve agreed. "Therefore: mortgage? Or," he added, when Bucky couldn't keep his expression straight, "there is something I don't know about, isn't there."</p><p>Clever boy. "There are many things you don't know about, Rogers," Bucky said lightly. "Including some money I may or may not have taken from the Red Room."</p><p>Now it was Steve's turn to raise an eyebrow, but he did dial the smartassery back: the Red Room wasn't something they joked about. "When?"</p><p>"Sometime after Shuri released me," Bucky said neutrally and waited for Steve's response.</p><p>He knew that Steve wouldn't mind. Rationally, he knew. But it was hard to convince his emotions too.</p><p>Steve mentally put the timeline together. "I thought by then Nat had destroyed everything?"</p><p>"She didn't know about all of their bases," Bucky admitted. "I was told it would be therapeutic to take my share of the, uhm, <em> process </em>."</p><p>"Was it?"</p><p>"Oh yes," Bucky grinned darkly. "There's no satisfaction like blowing up the jackasses that tortured you for decades. It doesn't take away any of the pain, of course, but you sleep better knowing they can't hurt you or anyone else."</p><p><em> Closure</em>.</p><p>Steve nodded. It was kind of sad how much he understood Bucky's struggles – some, but thankfully not all of them.</p><p>"And since I was intimately familiar with them, I happened to know all about their shady hiding places and managed to save some cash before I burned everything to the ground. So did Nat before me on her mission, and she even gave me some of it."</p><p>Steve nodded again. "Okay. So, no mortgage."</p><p>"Nope," Bucky said. "If you don't mind."</p><p>"What, using their money?"</p><p>"I did kinda steal it," Bucky pointed out, and Steve had to roll his eyes. "Not that I expected anything else from the guy who lied on his enlistment form and drives without a driving license."</p><p>"I <em> do </em>have a driving license," Steve protested indignantly and easily. It wasn’t the first, nor would it be the last time he had to say it, after all.</p><p>"Which SHIELD issued without checking if they should've," Bucky said. </p><p>Steve magnanimously let that go without a comment. "Also, I figure what you took from them is less than what a civilized judge would've named as a compensation price for what they've done to you."</p><p>Bucky shrugged. "Could be. You still would've burned the money instead of using it, though."</p><p>Steve didn't deny it. "I'm glad you aren't as stubborn and proud and hot-headed as I am," was what he settled on saying.</p><p>Bucky leaned close and kissed Steve on the forehead affectionately, before accepting a kiss on his lips from Steve.</p><p>"One of us needs to be reasonable in the relationship," he agreed, and Steve had no qualms accepting that.</p><p> </p><p>With those milestones settled upon, all they had to do was figure out the execution. </p><p>Bucky went up to Clint to talk to him. Even though he was fairly certain the archer would find a new tenant quickly, they were also friends, and it felt right to give him a longer warning than what was legally required.</p><p>"Oh, no, I'm glad for you," Clint said when they sat down after a minor amount of pleasantries had been exchanged. "Where do you think you'll move to?"</p><p>"Haven't talked about that," Bucky admitted. "Brooklyn, definitely."</p><p>"Yeah, I can't imagine you elsewhere," Clint said. "Or myself. This is a good place."</p><p>"Mhm, and imagine us in Jersey," Bucky said with a mock shudder. "Or the Bronx!"</p><p>A few years ago he wouldn't have known the difference, but now the idea to leave Brooklyn was like trying to force his foot into a wrong-sized shoe. Sure, Bed Stuy, he eventually fell in love with on his own. But with Brooklyn, well, that was Steve's doing. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @JBarnes:  Looking good @realsteverogers</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @senatorsmith: A non-American shouldn't joke about the Statue of Liberty, he clearly has no idea what it means to us, Americans.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: Thank you @JBarnes</p><p> </p><p>The image of Steve with the liberty-crown on his head became one of Bucky's most liked and shared tweets. Some said he shouldn't have 'mocked a national icon', but Steve set it as his new avatar, after which the negative comments died down quickly. </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Steve took him to Battery Park one afternoon. Bucky figured the place had some significance, otherwise Steve wouldn't have picked Manhattan to just have a light stroll through.</p><p>Manhattan was such a Tony's place.</p><p>"Steve," he said, after a few minutes of walking, "Brooklyn, right?"</p><p>"Hm?" Steve asked. "No, we're in Manh–"</p><p>"I mean, you don't want to leave Brooklyn either, right?" </p><p>Steve stared at him in surprise. "Didn't even occur to me. You?"</p><p>"No," Bucky said fiercely. "No."</p><p>"I was actually thinking of staying in Bed Stuy," Steve said. "Or close by, in any case."</p><p>"Would you?" Bucky asked. </p><p>"As if I'm not living there already," Steve snorted. "Sure I would, I like the neighborhood."</p><p>"We should check other options though," Bucky said.</p><p>"Oh, I was expecting you to vote for Dyker Heights," Steve said, and Bucky stuck his tongue out at him. </p><p>"What about DUMBO?" Bucky asked, but Steve shook his head.</p><p>"It's not bad, but lately I've been feeling the brownstones more. Two- or three-storey buildings, one-way streets, you know?"</p><p>"Yeah," Bucky said with a smile. "A studio for you on the top floor, where the lighting is the best."</p><p>"And a huge kitchen for you, the biggest we can find," Steve said, a smile spreading on his own face.</p><p>"And a living room with the couch the size of... Brooklyn," Bucky added. "Where we can lounge and watch movies all night."</p><p>Steve squeezed his hand in lieu of a kiss. "Soundproof walls," he whispered. "And your library on floor-to-ceiling shelves."</p><p>"But not on every wall, I wanna display your paintings," Bucky argued, and Steve squeezed again.</p><p>"We should ask... should we ask Pepper for help?"</p><p>"For a non-disclosure agreement at least," Bucky said. </p><p>They walked on, chattering about their options, and Bucky couldn't help but marvel at how he ended up here. Planning to buy a house. With someone who knew and didn't care where the money came from; who had the same kind of commitment issues; who was the smartest, kindest, funniest person he knew. </p><p>"I wanted to show you this," Steve said at the shore. "This was where the immigrants arrived at the time of the famine, my parents included."</p><p>Bucky looked out to the water; the Statue of Liberty was dominating the horizon and ferries passed between Brooklyn and Manhattan. </p><p>"And they made it their home, just like you did," Steve went on. "Just like so many others did."</p><p>He walked to another bench, and when Bucky followed him, he found what they had come for.</p><p>There was a black banner at waist-level, small and unobtrusive, embossed with white letters.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
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    <em> "Everywhere immigrants have enriched and strengthened the fabric of American life." - J. F. Kennedy </em>
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</blockquote><p>"More Americans should remember this," Steve said fiercely. </p><p>Bucky stared at the quote, and at Steve, a child of immigrants, and at the Statue of Liberty. He himself was Russian, but for the longest time, he thought Wakanda would be his only home. Now he was looking to build a life together here, in this strange city that had somehow became so dear to him. </p><p>"I don't care about most Americans," Bucky said. "I care about the most important one, though, the Captain of it."</p><p>Steve snorted in surprise. "Don't let anyone hear you say that."</p><p>"Hey, if we get married, I'm becoming a citizen, right?" Bucky asked with a grin. "Nobody can talk shit after that!"</p><p>Steve burst out laughing, and Bucky patted him on the shoulder, happy that he achieved his goal.</p><p>"I mean it. We are getting married and buying a house. What else do we need?" </p><p>"For the world to universally become a nicer place?" Steve asked.</p><p>"You are such a dreamer, Rogers," Bucky said. </p><p>"I don't think it will," Steve protested. "I just think it should."</p><p>"You still are," Bucky said. </p><p>Steve looked at the banner for a while. "I feel like I have everything with you," he said, eventually. "But I still want to fight for more."</p><p>"I didn't think you wouldn't," Bucky said softly. </p><p>Steve nodded, and took out his phone to take the photo of the banner.</p><p>"Okay. Since we're here, shall we get to the Tower to talk to Pepper?" </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: [Image with the quote<em>"Everywhere immigrants have enriched and strengthened the fabric of American life." - President J. F. Kennedy]</em></p><p>@JBarnes likes this.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So, other than how this story is about gay superheroes in the closet and not about a famous female popstar, this chapter had to differ the most from the song given how many London references there are in the lyrics XD<br/>Hope you like it!<br/>Huge thanks to Lily for letting me know about the Kennedy plaque!</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. the road gets hard and you get lost when you're led by blind faith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 8: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/5hQSXkFgbxjZo9uCwd11so?si=54e8b6256c5b4cc6">False God</a> </em>but please listen to the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjD3LoXp-Pw">live SNL version</a> too</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
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    <em>I know heaven's a thing</em>
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</div><div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
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    <em>I go there when you touch me</em>
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</div><div class="ujudUb xpdxpnd">
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    <em>Honey, hell is when I fight with you</em>
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</div><p> </p><p> </p><p>After a cursory glance at some real estate listings, they decided to engage the help of a friend of Pepper’s, a realtor called Danielle with dark skin, curly hair and a no-nonsense attitude who dove right into the state of the New York Real Estate Market.</p><p>They both heard the capital letters loud and clear. </p><p>“A townhouse would give you the most privacy,” she said after hearing their requests. “Condos aren’t good for long-term investment and co-ops can be tricky. Maybe even a loft, depending on your preferences of privacy.” </p><p>“Privacy is a must,” Steve said. </p><p>“And three bedrooms, right?” she shuffled through her notes.</p><p>“A bedroom, a gym, and a studio,” Bucky said. “So, good lighting in at least one of the rooms.”</p><p>“Condos usually have gyms as a common area,” Danielle said.</p><p>“Not ones that can withstand supersoldiers,” Steve countered.</p><p>“Okay. So it also needs to be sturdy enough to take the equipment, got it.” </p><p>Bucky looked at Steve somewhat helplessly – these, they hadn’t even thought about. </p><p>“I have a few places in mind and will get back to you with even more,” Danielle said at the end of their meeting, after going through their budget and preferences in even more detail. “Where should I start within Brooklyn?”</p><p>“Bed Stuy,” Steve said, and Bucky nodded with him. </p><p> </p><p>They agreed that they'd meet at the address, and Danielle assured them that the owners wouldn't be home and that NDAs have also been signed to keep their presence under as many wraps as possible.</p><p>When they saw the top-notch interior  – gilded details on the inner staircase, mahogany surfaces, crystal chandeliers – Bucky was hit by the magnitude of the situation.</p><p>He was leaving his own place. His home since moving to the US. His sanctuary.</p><p>And although Clint's apartment building wasn't a dumpster, it wasn't five stars either, but now Bucky was moving in next to the elite. No matter how many years he’d spent with Shuri and Tony – and Steve, even, and how much he stashed away from the Red Room, it was still a… a lot. A lot of everything.  </p><p>"Yeah, and this kitchen is nice, right, Bucky?" </p><p>Bucky stared at the marble countertop of the kitchen without seeing it. </p><p>"Bucky?" Steve asked.</p><p>"I'll check if all the doors are left unlocked," Danielle said perceptively and disappeared down the hallway.</p><p>"What's up?" Steve asked when it was just the two of them and he rubbed Bucky's arms.</p><p>"I feel like an imposter here," Bucky whispered. </p><p>"Couldn't we make it our own?" Steve asked. "Change out the tapestry and the curtains and the lamps and... oh, fuck." he looked around and sighed. "Shall we look at the upper floor too, though?" </p><p>"We might as well," Bucky said, relieved that Steve saw what he meant.</p><p>The upper floors were just as exquisite and overwhelming as the ground floor. Bucky nodded at Danielle's idea and explanations, but he wished he was somewhere else, preferably on his own, cozy couch with Steve. </p><p>"Okay, what's the biggest thing you dislike about this one?" Danielle asked when they reconvened at the kitchen. "And don't even try to cover it up, I can see that this isn't doing it for you and I need to know why."</p><p>"I can't imagine myself living here," Bucky said. "At all."</p><p>He suddenly couldn't imagine himself living anywhere but Cornelia Street. Why did he even want to move?</p><p>"We're not..." Steve began when Bucky wasn't going to say more, and Bucky loved him for it. "We're not this fancy. We have some high-end needs, a spacious kitchen and a small studio, but nothing that screams 'I'm wealthy and I want everybody to know' like this place does." </p><p>Danielle nodded. "That's fair, thank you. I'll narrow my focus and get back to you.”</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>To get his mind off of the housing crisis, Bucky agreed when Nat invited him to the Tower to work out together, then relax with the company of some good music and maybe a tray or two of cookies.</p><p>"House-shopping not going well?" Nat asked when she saw how much of the ingredients he was preparing.</p><p>It wasn’t his fault. JARVIS stocked the kitchen, after all. </p><p>"Nah, it's fine," Bucky said and pushed a strand of hair out of his face. "The idea of leaving my place is just harder when it's closer to becoming a reality."</p><p>He had been so fine with it whenever he considered getting a bigger place. In theory, everything was fine.</p><p>"You can still keep it, Clint wouldn't mind," Nat said, and Bucky had to bat her away from the dough. </p><p>"That's raw, don't eat it."</p><p>"Because <em>this </em>is what will kill the famous Black Widow," Nat snorted. </p><p>"How would it look though, to still have my own place when Steve gave up his own?" </p><p>Steve’s place was technically owned by SHIELD, although nobody would ever tell the famous Captain America not to drill holes into the tile, so it may as well have been his own. Still, he moved his few remaining belongings to his suite and considered himself moved out, even if SHIELD hasn’t finalized the paperwork yet.</p><p>"Steve has commitment issues," Nat said. "So do you, but in the opposite direction. He doesn't connect easily, you don't let go easily. He wouldn't mind."</p><p>"I would," Bucky muttered. "I want <em> us</em>, flaws and all, without an easy escape option."</p><p>"You are just caging yourself," Nat said. "Me and Sharon still have our separate places and it won't change anytime soon. We prefer it this way."</p><p><em> That </em> gave Bucky a new aspect to be worried about, and he whipped the cream with enough force to rattle the ceiling. </p><p>"What if it's too soon?" he asked. "Are we rushing things?"</p><p>Nat looked at him with the most unimpressed expression in the world. "You've been together for how many years? Two? Three?"</p><p>"You know full well that doesn't mean anything," Bucky waved. "Some couples fit immediately, and others can live together for a decade without doing so."</p><p>He was thinking of Nakia and T'Challa, and Tony and Pepper – people he couldn't imagine apart, only together.</p><p>"If you don't think you and Steve fit immediately, you're an idiot," Nat said. </p><p>"You're biased."</p><p>"And you're anxious <em>and </em>biased. Which is fine, just hold onto Steve until it passes."</p><p>“Weren’t you the one who told me I had rose-colored glasses on and should be more realistic?” Bucky demanded.</p><p>Nat rolled her eyes with a huff. “I was warning you about the bumps that may come on the way, some of which already have. You were in the honeymoon phase. But you’re doing okay, you’re doing <em>well</em>. Just keep it up and it’ll be fine.”</p><p>Well, Bucky had started believing in Steve years ago, and he wasn't going to stop now, even if he was questioning everything else. </p><p>“Speaking of bumps, SHIELD took out what appeared to be an AIM base a few days ago, but Rumlow got away,” Nat said.</p><p>Bucky put the bowl down with more force than he’d wanted.</p><p>“Of course he did.”</p><p>“Of course he did. We’ll get him eventually, though.”</p><p>Bucky let out some air. “Interestingly, I don’t really care about him any more than any other ‘villain’.”</p><p>“Shame,” Nat said. “I was hoping he’d take your mind off of the housing crisis.”</p><p>Bucky threw a kitchen cloth at her. </p><p><br/>
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</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @JBarnes:  [Image of different types of the same product on the shelf of a store] Why must we have so many to chose from?”</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: @JBarnes I KNOW, RIGHT?!</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Even though Bucky still had regular meetings with Aziz and relied on therapy, sometimes he deferred to what he affectionately called the 'Steve Rogers Way of Dealing with Frustration', i.e. just punching something really, really hard.</p><p>The new place would also solve that with a handy gym, but in the meantime, he decided to focus on the Hood and his crime syndicate. </p><p>To his mild annoyance, Sam was called as his backup, and to his even stronger annoyance, Sam was actually needed. The Hood himself remained invisible to avoid detection and sent his men to be dealt with by Bucky who gladly took them out as they arrived.</p><p>Sam, however, managed to track down the boss and cornered him from the air. Bucky threw the last remaining lackeys into the nearest wall with enough force to make a dent, then headed towards his teammate. </p><p>"Nice of you to join me," Sam nagged him.</p><p>"Fuck you," Bucky grumbled.</p><p>"Not on your life," Sam said. "We'll take him out together if you’re ready?"</p><p>“I am.”</p><p>Sam sprayed a new type of gas invented by Tony at the Hood which clung to him and thus made his invisibility trick effectively useless. He still put up a fight, though, and loath though he was to admit it, Sam had to keep him occupied until Bucky could hit him with a tranquilizer shot. </p><p>While they waited for SHIELD to collect his unconscious body, Bucky rotated his metal arm, and let it ripple from shoulder to fingertip – a leftover feature from before he got the Wakandan update.</p><p>"Nice shot," Sam complimented him.</p><p>"You too," Bucky admitted begrudgingly. </p><p>"I meant mine," Sam said, then jumped when Bucky shot out to punch his side.</p><p> </p><p>Bucky kept constantly rotating his arm all afternoon and into the evening. Steve ordered takeout, and Bucky sprawled out on the sofa to read something about an alien falling in love with a human that turned out to be a cyborg, but no matter how he positioned the book, he couldn't find a comfortable position.</p><p>"You okay?" Steve asked. </p><p>"Of course," Bucky said. "I don’t know why I expected better from this book."</p><p>Two more chapters later his opinion only worsened, and so did the frown on Steve's face when he looked up.</p><p>"Seriously," Steve said. "You haven't managed to sit still for more than thirty seconds."</p><p>Bucky noticed the sketchbook in Steve's lap just then. </p><p>"Sorry. I'll let you draw me another time."</p><p>"That's not the issue," Steve said. "But something is clearly wrong."</p><p>Bucky took a catalog of his body, and his arm rippled again. "No, everything's fine. I'm just a bit sore."</p><p>"No wonder, after that hit you took," Steve said, and Bucky looked at him blankly. "From one of the henchmen; he hit you on the back with that baton? You even staggered forward. I was afraid you were gonna black out."</p><p>Bucky had zero memory of that. His upper back was sore, but nothing he would go to medical with. </p><p>"Maybe," he said. "But as I've said, I'm fine."</p><p>"Let me massage you?" Steve closed his sketchbook. "We got that new almond and orange oil we could try-"</p><p>"I'm fine," Bucky repeated and sunk back into the cushions.</p><p>Steve frowned but took his pencil up without further comments. </p><p>The book couldn't take his mind off of the now persistent sensation of his arm and back: no matter how he turned or what position he settled on, he couldn't find a place where he could relax.</p><p>"I'm going to bed," he announced some time later.</p><p>At least the bed was big enough for the both of them, even if the flat itself wasn't. Although it was him who decided not to get a new bedframe, now he felt weird climbing onto the pallets where his mattress lay. </p><p>Why was Steve with him? He deserved better.</p><p>He turned towards the wall and hugged himself and didn't react when Steve climbed in next to him. </p><p>When Steve reached out and put a hand on his back, however, Bucky jerked away.</p><p>"Sorry," Steve said, drawing his hand back as if he got burned. "Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you."</p><p>"You didn't," Bucky said automatically, breathing heavily, back against the wall. </p><p>"I did," Steve said. "You're hurting. Let me take you to medical."</p><p>"I'm fine," Bucky snapped. "Stop pestering me."</p><p>He jumped out of bed and retreated to the couch. Amanda didn't bat an eye at him, but he heard Steve's soft movements from the bedroom for a few more moments before the quiet settled in.</p><p>He shouldn't have gotten so angry for nothing, but Steve shouldn't have coddled him, either. Neither of them were children. Bucky was capable of making his own decisions. </p><p>He remained awake all night, tossing and turning and trying his best not to think about anything. And failing spectacularly.</p><p>He hated when his mind did this; when everything was spiraling down and out of control and he couldn't organize the world into a shape that made sense. The lines were distorted, and he could no longer tell if danger was real or only in his head, and what the best action would be to take. </p><p>But he missed Steve. Even though Steve was in the next room, he still missed him. Whenever he occasionally got like this, Steve was always there for him. He'd forgotten what it was like to have to do things on his own.</p><p>He texted Shuri instead of going back to sleep, and spent a couple of hours chatting about the possibilities of an alien-cyborg romance, and technological possibilities, and sociological implications, until he was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open.</p><p>Maybe he should've told her about his arm, too. Or Tony. Or anybody, instead of barking at Steve who deserved better.</p><p>Around sunrise he quietly padded back to the bedroom where he found Steve sound asleep, an angry frown still between his brows.</p><p>At least one of them was able to rest.</p><p>When he took a step backward, Steve's eyes bolted open and he sat up.</p><p>"Bucky?" he asked. "What's it?"</p><p>"I didn't want to wake you," Bucky said. "Go back to sleep."</p><p>Steve’s shoulders sagged but kept looking at Bucky with those intense blue eyes. </p><p>"Will you come back?"</p><p>"I can't sleep," Bucky said. "I think I'll go to Tony a bit later."</p><p>"Okay," Steve said cautiously.</p><p>"To get my arm and my back checked," Bucky mumbled. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to be so mean."</p><p>Steve opened his pose, a clear invitation, and Bucky sat down next to him.</p><p>"You've not been okay ever since we began to think about moving," Steve said. "Maybe we shouldn't do it."</p><p>Bucky laid down, and Steve carefully embraced him. It took a few tries to find a position where Bucky could ignore his sore shoulders, but eventually he settled in Steve's arms. </p><p>"I want to," he insisted. "I want <em>our </em>place. A bigger kitchen, a gym, a studio. Something we can make our home <em>together</em>. If you still want me."</p><p>"I do," Steve said. "And soon I'll be saying that in front of a judge. And for that reason I'd appreciate it if you stopped testing me – I won't ever not want to be with you, no matter what."</p><p>Bucky burrowed his face in Steve's neck. "I'm sorry I hurt you," he said. He felt like shit; he hadn’t even noticed that was what he was doing. Their relationship was way beyond keeping score at this point. </p><p>"It happens," Steve shrugged. "You're forgiven."</p><p>"I'll make it up to you," Bucky promised, and yawned. He heard Steve roll his eyes, he honest to God <em>heard </em>it.</p><p>"Let's rest a bit, and then I'll take you to Tony's," Steve suggested, and Bucky was quickly lulled to sleep by his even breathing and his steady heartbeat. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>"This looks like you took a hit right at the nerve endings of the muscles that connect your prosthesis with your back, and your arm overreacted," Tony said, looking at his scans. "But JARVIS says everything is within normal limits. I'm still sending this to Shuri so she can put her two cents in, but based on this, everything should heal on its own."</p><p>Bucky nodded and leaned into Steve's side. "It got better after I slept."</p><p>Come morning (or, rather, noon, when they finally got up), everything appeared in a kinder light, including the move and the pain in his shoulder. He still decided to get Tony’s professional opinion, mostly to please Steve and somehow make up for his shitty behavior.</p><p>"Sleep is healing," Steve said proudly – another thing he most likely learned from Gillian in therapy.</p><p>"There you go," Tony said. "But keep an eye on it; I don't want Cap to eviscerate me if you drop dead."</p><p>"He will not," Steve and Bucky said in unison.</p><p>Tony snorted. "Case in point. Pepper tends to give me a massage after hard missions, and it always helps, so I can also recommend that, but if it gets worse, find a doctor with a degree in a medical field, because this is the extent of my knowledge."</p><p>Bucky ducked his head, and Steve donned an 'I was right, so I win' grin, and they said goodbye to head back to Brooklyn.</p><p> </p><p>Seeing the scans that were sent over, Shuri confirmed Tony's opinion after chewing Bucky another one for not mentioning this to her sooner, thus making Bucky feel like an idiot. </p><p>Again.</p><p>"Don't be like him," Shuri said on the hologram, nodding at Steve. "You know better."</p><p>"I do, I was just stressed," Bucky said apologetically. </p><p>"It's okay," Steve repeated and sneaked an arm around Bucky’s lower back. "I'm glad this isn't more serious."</p><p>"The hit he took looked bad, but the arm should withstand a lot more than that. How's the rippling?"</p><p>"Better," Bucky said. "Still more than usual, but less than yesterday."</p><p>"Keep me updated, and rest," Shuri ordered before saying goodbye.</p><p>"Will you give me a back massage?" Bucky asked Steve shyly.</p><p>"Yeah, about time you asked," Steve said, and kissed Bucky's temple before disappearing into the bathroom.</p><p>Bucky laid down on the carpet with his back bare, and relaxed when he heard Steve's soft footsteps coming back.</p><p>"It's not the almond one," he said when he poured the cream onto Bucky's back. </p><p>The smell was sharp and cold, no doubt thanks to a lot of menthol, and it immediately warmed Bucky's skin. </p><p>Steve kneeled above him, each knee at either side of his hips, and worked the cream steadily. Full-hand motions, strong, pushing Bucky into the carpet and the air out of his lungs with each forward lean. </p><p>It hurt, but in a good way, a way that represented healing and curing.</p><p>Steve's touch left Bucky's skin flaming hot and feeling tiny prickles on his skin, punctuating him with hot needles.</p><p>His muscles unwound under Steve's hands, and he felt himself gradually going pliant. </p><p>Steve worked at the knots until he massaged them out, one by one, and Bucky may have begun to moan softly. </p><p>"Yeah?" Steve asked with a smile. </p><p>"Keep going, please," Bucky mumbled.</p><p>Steve kissed the back of his head, then began to press the heel of his hands into Bucky's back. Bucky's moaning intensified. </p><p>Steve was magic, he surely was. There was no way that an ordinary human could achieve what Steve did without special powers.</p><p>Time began to float around him. There were only the points where their bodies touched and Steve left burning imprints on him with his hands. His shoulders and his back were aflame from the cream, and Bucky wanted to sink into the floor even deeper.</p><p>"Good?" Steve asked when he wandered further down to his lower back.</p><p>"Amazing," Bucky said. </p><p>Steve gave a thorough massage to every part of Bucky's back. His supersoldier strength was held back, but he still used enough force to knead the knotted muscles and work the soreness out of Bucky's system.</p><p>By the end, the cream's tinging subsided, and Bucky was resurfacing up slowly, as if from a dizzying dream. The pain was almost completely gone, and only a hazy, loose feeling remained in its wake, engulfing Bucky.</p><p>Steve gave one final, smoothing rub with his hands, then sat back. "I hope it'll help."</p><p>"It already has," Bucky said, then angled his head to the side. "Thank you."</p><p>"Anytime," Steve said, and pecked another kiss to his hair.</p><p>When he was about to get up, though, Bucky spoke up. "Stevie. Fuck me."</p><p>Steve paused mid-motion.</p><p>"That's an order," Bucky added, just for clarity. "Get your collar, too, on the way to the lube."</p><p>He heard Steve swallow, then he shot up to do as he was told.</p><p>Bucky contemplated that maybe he should've asked, but no; Steve have could opted out of it even without a safeword. But he deserved this, as a thank you and a sorry - for Steve, touching Bucky was always a reward, especially in a scene, and now he would be able to freely do it.</p><p>Steve dropped to his knees next to Bucky, and Bucky shuffled so Steve could pull his pants off. He glanced back to see the leather wrapped neatly around Steve's neck, and something not unlike pride, but not quite that either, bubbled up in his chest. </p><p>Steve was his. </p><p>Bucky opened his legs wider and lifted his hips so Steve could put a pillow under, then laid back down on his stomach. </p><p>"Prep me," he said, and Steve immediately set to work.</p><p>It did not take long for them to get Bucky loose; and he thought he would never get enough of this feeling, either. He was his most vulnerable, yet there was nowhere else he would have rather been, or nobody else he would have rather been with. </p><p>"I'm ready," Bucky said huskily. "Are you ready?"</p><p>"Yeah," Steve said eagerly.</p><p>"Lay on top of me," Bucky said. "And touch me. Anywhere you want." </p><p>Steve enveloped his body, his weight only held up by his forearms as he lay on top of him. Like a weighted blanket, it calmed Bucky even more; this must have been similar to what Steve felt like with the ropes. The pressure at his ass told him that Steve was ready indeed.</p><p>"Good,” he whispered to Steve. “Get in me when you're ready."</p><p>Steve spent a minute kissing Bucky's shoulders and running his hands along his side and his arms, turning Bucky into absolute putty, then he pushed in slowly. Bucky's heart-rate increased with the welcome sensation. </p><p>They hadn't done this position for ages, and it took a few tries to find a rhythm that worked for both of them. Steve had to keep himself up on his elbows and knees, and Bucky shifted against the pillow under his abdomen, and then it began to click.</p><p>Steve reveled in having his hands free; he couldn't stop touching Bucky's back, his ass, his thighs and murmuring the sweetest encouragements into his ears.</p><p>Pleasure was building in Bucky; he hadn't been aroused when he gave the first order, but the massage relaxed his body and his mind, and it was only a small step from there to go until he got hard – a step that Steve took in the form of kisses and the caresses that peppered Bucky’s skin.</p><p>He didn't hide his pleasure by keeping quiet. Steve couldn't see his face, so Bucky made sure that his whimpers told Steve loud and clear that he was doing incredibly well. </p><p>Steve reached around him and took Bucky's cock in his hand to tease and play with him. The new angle increased the feeling, and Bucky rutted into Steve's hand for more friction. Steve provided that eagerly, he squeezed down, pulled up, then down again, all the while keeping his rhythm as he pounded into Bucky. </p><p>Sometimes Bucky liked to hold out, to push Steve harder, to broaden their horizons. But now he did not want any of that; he wanted the familiarity of their bodies sliding close and experiencing pleasure together.</p><p>He came with a groan, and Steve's fingers held his hips with bruising force. Another thrust, and then Steve was coming too, and then he flopped down onto Bucky.</p><p>"Good boy," Bucky said, and reached up to pet Steve's head. Steve pressed his forehead between Bucky's shoulderblades, breathing heavily, each exhale leaving a moist mark on Bucky's sweaty skin. </p><p>Steve keened at the praise, and wrapped around Bucky like an over-eager python, and Bucky was more than happy to just stay where he was.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @gucciwire: #Avengers what’s your favorite drink?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @drbrucebanner: @gucciwire Tea</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @thebetterhawkey: @gucciwire hot chocolate</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @falconwilson: Nothing better than orange juice! @gucciwire</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @darcylewisphd: #Avengers not bad but I'm waiting for @tonystark to go wild</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @tonystark: @darcylewisphd @gucciwire sorry to disappoint, I’m going with smoothies</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: @gucciwire I just like the taste of alcohol even though it does nothing for me.</p><p>
  
</p><p>@tonystark: @realsteverogers especially whiskey 😉</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @gucciwire: @realsteverogers is whiskey really your favorite?</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: @gucciwire I do like whiskey, but lately I prefer wine. there’s something about a sweet white that just works.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @JBarnes: Dry red is unbeatable. @gucciwire</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I think what you're experiencing is perfectly normal," Aziz told Bucky after Bucky caught him up to date with the crazy aspect his life had taken. "Saying goodbye to your home is your choice, now, and you sadly don't have much experience with that. It'll take time for you to come up with a coping mechanism." </p><p>Bucky hadn't thought about it that way – then again, that was why he was going to therapy.</p><p>"But I left Wakanda of my own free will, too," he said.</p><p>"But did you ever think Wakanda would be a permanent home? Or did you always think that it was temporary?"</p><p>Bucky sighed. "The latter."</p><p>"Well, there you go," Aziz said. </p><p>Bucky sat in silence for a while, contemplating.</p><p>"If I take losing this house so badly, how would I ever survive losing Steve?" he asked, biting his lip. </p><p>Sadness flashed in Aziz's eyes. </p><p>"Coping with the loss of a loved one is a very different story, Bucky. I can't give you advice with that now, other than should it happen, you should see me immediately."</p><p>Bucky couldn't get rid of the lump in his throat, no matter how many times he swallowed. </p><p>"In the meantime, you need to believe that Steve will come home every time, as does every person on the planet about their partners and family members, otherwise fear would paralyze us all."</p><p>Bucky nodded, and drank some of the tea that Aziz always had in a pot on his table. </p><p>"These are all new to me," he agreed. "I've never had... not since my mother and my sister, that is, I never had these... worries."</p><p>"I'm glad you do now," Aziz said. "Everybody deserves to have love in their lives, even if it comes with worry."</p><p>When Bucky was looking at it from that way, he suddenly felt less stressed and more thankful. </p><p>"These are so... not real problems, are they," he asked quietly. "We're so lucky that we can afford to move into our own place. This isn't a problem." </p><p>Aziz looked at him with a look that over the years Bucky's come to identify as subtle but intense disapproval. </p><p>"I assure you, these problems <em>are</em> real. They are different than the ones you've had before, which means you're moving forward. And just because you've had bigger problems doesn't invalidate the ones you're having now." </p><p>Bucky looked back with his perfected face of disbelief. </p><p>"Let me phrase it like this: you know what hunger is like, yes?" Aziz asked.</p><p>"...yes."</p><p>"You've been hungry before. Starving." </p><p>"Yes," Bucky said warily.</p><p>"Does that make you any less hungry, or worthy of a good meal, if you don't eat for a full day?"</p><p>Bucky was the first to avert his eyes at the staredown that followed. "...no," he admitted. </p><p>Aziz nodded. "Remember that. Now, how many houses have you seen?"</p><p>"About a dozen," Bucky said. "Some had too small kitchens, others had too many rooms, and there was just always something wrong somewhere. One had a bathroom so small we couldn't stand up in properly! And I suppose we could renovate and rebuild, but it's just..." he shrugged. "I thought it would be easier."</p><p>"My limited experience with moving houses is that if you find the one, you'll know it," Aziz said. "And far be it from me to raise your hopes in vain, but I also think that if you do, it will be much easier for you to leave your current home."</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @JBarnes: [Image of a glass of white wine] @realsteverogers I stand corrected.</p><p> </p><p>Bucky switched tactics following some realizations he’d made after the session with Aziz. Instead of looking solely rationally at the houses and apartments that Danielle took them to, he tried to get the <em>feel </em>of the places, looking for that feeling of home that he got when he was on Cornelia Street or when he was with Steve. </p><p>Looking past the decor and design of whoever was still living there was not always easy, especially with that one place that had bright neon kitchen walls or the one where everything was flamingo-themed. </p><p>Then again, the same could have been said about the apartment he rented from Clint. In the beginning, it was just four walls and a bed, and it had taken Kimoyo and then Amanda and her toys and trees and all the stuff Shuri sent over to make it feel like his. And more than that, it was <em>time </em>that did the trick. It was where he read his new favorite books and where he retired to after a long arm maintenance session with Tony and where he chatted with Nat through sleepless nights and where he went home to after raiding some remaining Red Room bases. None of that happened overnight.</p><p>He hoped that if he stopped stressing about it and just let things happen, he and Steve would find the place that time would make theirs too. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Inspired by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/4907305"><em>We're All Stupid When We're Hurting</em> </a>by Taste_Is_Sweet, a fic that helped me realize how irrational I am when my chronic pains flare up. </p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. have my back, yeah, everyday</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for <strong>homophobia</strong></p>
<p>Chapter 9: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1SmiQ65iSAbPto6gPFlBYm?si=fb56b742951a4762">It's nice to have a friend</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em>You've been stressed out lately? Yeah, me too</em>
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<p>The next address to visit was only three streets down from Clint's building. They may have even walked in front of it in the past, but since it looked just like any other brownstone in Brooklyn, it didn't stand out to either of them. </p>
<p>Danielle gave them a brief heads up before they stepped over the threshold, and working for SHIELD, Steve recognized a mission briefing when he heard one.</p>
<p>“This one’s not that big or high-end,” Danielle said. “Still has three separate rooms, but only three, and only one bathroom, plus an open area kitchen and living room. Built a century ago but fully renovated recently, AC included.”</p>
<p>Bucky, for his part, would have probably preferred to go in blind, but he just nodded too. Steve’s heart ached for him, for all Bucky said moving out and in with Steve was what he wanted, he didn’t always look the part. But Gillian had advised Steve to let Bucky make his own decisions, and Steve followed it despite his worry that it was too soon. </p>
<p>However, the moment they stepped in, Steve felt Bucky shifting next to him and letting out a long breath. </p>
<p>From the front door, a narrow hallway opened up to a cozy living room and a modern kitchen at the far wall, with wide windows letting in a lot of light even on a grey Fall day. A door opened to the small yard from that corner, glass panels showing branches of a tree in the back; another wooden door led to a minuscule pantry. A kitchen island separated the living and cooking space, doubling the countertop and dividing the areas, and a dining table was pushed flush against it with four chairs at the ready. </p>
<p>The bathroom was hidden under the stairs: just a toilet, a cabinet, and a bathtub, the latter of which looked big enough to fit them both, even if a bit tightly. </p>
<p>Already Steve could tell that this was right up their alley, and they’d only seen half of it. He met Bucky’s eyes and saw the same hopeful glint mirrored there as Danielle’s commentary washed over them.</p>
<p>A narrow staircase led them upstairs to the three bedrooms, all opening to the corridor that turned around from the stairs. </p>
<p>The room furthest from the stairs faced the street and had a  three-windowed alcove that gave enough light even for a studio. The room next to it was about the right size for their gym, with apparently strong enough walls and floors to support their equipment. The master bedroom, which opened right across from the staircase, was not only big enough to fit their king’s size bed inside, but it also had…</p>
<p>"Is that the roof or a balcony?" Bucky asked.</p>
<p>At the other end of the bedroom, a glass double door led outside to a small, enclosed patio.</p>
<p>"The building was renovated with this feature in mind," Danielle said. "As you can see the walls here have been knocked down to allow for this alcove. We’re right above the kitchen, that extends here."</p>
<p>The patio was squished flush between the red brick walls of the two neighboring buildings on the left and right sides; neither of those walls had any windows. The fourth wall, originally between the yard and what must have been the master bathroom, was gone; given way to a wrought iron gate.</p>
<p>Bucky’s eyes were wide as he walked to the edge of the balcony. Steve followed him, looking up and around. Whoever had designed the place knew what they were doing: their backyard had high fences all around, so high that they couldn’t see their neighbors' backyards, which meant they would be hidden from prying eyes too. The far end of their yard housed a magnolia tree whose branches they saw from the kitchen; it was almost as big as the house itself, giving even more cover. </p>
<p>“If we covered it with a roof we would not be visible from upwards, either,” Bucky murmured, glancing up. </p>
<p>Although the angled roof would make it difficult for anyone to attack, more privacy was preferable. “That means less sunlight inside, but I agree.” </p>
<p>“There are motor-automated retractable ones,” Danielle said. “Best of both worlds?” </p>
<p>Steve was looking at Bucky, now, who had that look on his face that he got whenever he discovered a new “secret ingredient” for a recipe or knew he had the upper hand in a game. And with that, Steve relaxed too.</p>
<p>"You also have a very small storage attic that you can access via a pull-down ladder,” Danielle guided them inside and showed them the hatch in the upstairs corridor. “And that’s the whole building. It comes at the cost of not having a bathroom upstairs, only the one under the stairs. But you can transform one of the other rooms, if you wish." </p>
<p>"Or we could leave those as they are," Bucky said slowly, "and just use the downstairs bathroom. It's not that far."</p>
<p>"That works, too," Danielle said. </p>
<p>"The one next to the bedroom could be the gym," Steve went on. </p>
<p>"And the one with the street windows has enough light for your studio," Bucky added. </p>
<p>"What do you think about the kitchen?"</p>
<p>"I like it," Bucky said. "I like it a lot. It’s clear that after it’s been renovated it’s also been taken care of.”</p>
<p>It would need some improvements here and there, but immediately they would have more countertop space than Bucky already had, not to mention the number of cupboards and the small pantry hidden against the wall of the bathroom.</p>
<p>“The only place for a washer-dryer combo is the pantry,” Danielle warned them. “And this brownstone is one of the smallest we’ve seen so far.” </p>
<p>Steve met Bucky's eyes. Bucky smiled at him, for the first time in any of the places they’ve seen so far, and shrugged a little. </p>
<p>“The whole building would be ours, though,” he said.</p>
<p>"Yes," said Danielle. "Okay, then you can get back to me if you've made a decision."</p>
<p>They would talk about it at home, consider their options and actually see if they could afford it (he was 99% sure that they could), but Steve knew the deal was done when the moment they stepped out to the street, Bucky leaned close to him and murmured that this was the first and only place that he could not only imagine himself and Steve living at, but actually <em>wanted </em>to. </p>
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<p>Tweet from @JBarnes: [photo of a bookshelf] The eternal struggle: too many books, too little space.</p>
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<p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes you could try an e-reader?</p>
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<p>Tweet from @JBarnes: @realsteverogers I have one but there is something about holding a book and feeling the weight, smelling the ink, you know?</p>
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<p>Tweet from @realsteverogers: @JBarnes you make me feel less old fashioned. Also I’m sure @tonystark could figure something out?</p>
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<p>Tweet from @tonystark: @realsteverogers Give me a week, I’m working on a revolutionary stain remover.</p>
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<p>Tweet from @JBarnes: Thanks, Tony. </p>
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<p>The first snow was already falling by the time they moved into their new place.</p>
<p>Steve had noticed an immediate change in Bucky the moment they found it: his anxiety had quieted and turned into excitement rather than apprehension. He’d still walked the rooms of Clint’s apartment quietly, and sometimes had spent long minutes staring at one spot on the wall, but then he’d just shrug and say he would take the memories with him, that was all that mattered.</p>
<p>And as soon as they unpacked the boxes and began to put everything to their rightful place, Bucky couldn't stop grinning. </p>
<p>"This is perfect," he kept saying. </p>
<p>Steve couldn’t have agreed with him more. Although it was smaller than what SHIELD had issued him, it felt like an upgrade in every sense of the word. He was sharing it with his <em>fiancé</em>, it was the place of their life together. It tethered him to <em>today </em>in a way his old one, or his suite, never could.</p>
<p>He wasn’t going to lie, though, he would miss Bucky’s old apartment as well. They shared many wonderful memories there that they would carry with them, but Steve never felt that place belonged to him. It was too much of Bucky’s, so when Bucky said he was ready, Steve didn’t have any qualms about moving out.</p>
<p>They thanked Danielle with a sizable gift basket on top of her regular fee as they wouldn’t have been able to do it without her. They didn’t even need to meet with the previous owners and negotiated someone to come and install the roof cover that they wanted before the true cold arrived. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Out of the two of them, Bucky had more things and more opinions about where things should go and how things should look. Steve enjoyed the luxury of sitting back and referring to Bucky’s judgement, and Bucky shined with the opportunity to make the place their own.</p>
<p>Bucky’s old couch went to the studio upstairs, and they ordered another, twice as big one for the living room downstairs. They spent a weekend repainting the kitchen cabinets from the dark brown to an off-white, light grey color and replacing the handles while they were at it. All the rugs and pillows from Wakanda were placed mostly in the living room, but some to the bedroom and to the studio, and they proudly showed Shuri the place. </p>
<p>They spent an incredible amount of money on gym equipment: floormats, wall racks, and took Tony up on his offer for a special, supersoldier-resistant boxing bag. But it was worth it to be able to work out and spar in the comfort of their own home.</p>
<p>Steve moved his art supplies out from his suite in the Tower, where he had been stacking them, into the room above the street. He needed some drawers so everything would be out of the way when not in use, but there was still enough room for two easels to be set up in the middle of the room. Even in the dark winter months, the studio’s alcove had enough light during the day that Steve could curl up in there and sketch, and look at the street below through the windows that Tony upgraded to bulletproof one-way glass and feel close to Brooklyn, like the way he used to. </p>
<p>He still installed some spotlights above and didn't protest when just like at their old place, Bucky began hanging his paintings all around the house. It was in <em>their </em>place, now, not at Bucky’s where Steve thought they were inappropriate.</p>
<p>They used the attic as storage and installed a huge cabinet in the living room to hold their weapons and Avengers-related accessories and deemed the place 'as ready as possible' by Christmas despite some boxes that were shoved to the side of the room to be dealt with later. Bucky even ordered a new bedframe for their mattress, but of course, he still hung the old one - what remained of it, with Steve’s name being carved into the wood - on the wall, right next to the painting that Steve gave him for Christmas.</p>
<p>“If I have to blush every time I look at the wall, so do you,” he proclaimed.</p>
<p>They set up the old fake Christmas trees in the living room after assessing that neither of them had the capacity to get a new, big one for this year. Bucky said he would for the next one, and until then, the smaller ones would have to do.</p>
<p>The best part of the house, by far, was the “roof”:  they furnished the area opening from the bedroom with outdoor furniture and bought a small <em>live</em> pine tree in a pot to decorate with fairy lights so that they could see that from their window even in the dark. Steve knew that come Spring, they would spend endless hours outside, enjoying the small patch of green that was their yard and the magnolia tree and being able to be outside but still hidden from the world. In the meantime, they cuddled in bed and basked in the fairy lights’ glow.</p>
<p>It was, hands down, beyond compare.</p>
<p>Amanda took her time adjusting; for the first few days, she wouldn't leave the room she was taken out of her carrier in. But Bucky strategically placed her things – her tree, her pillows, her toys – all over the place, and she began to settle in slowly. And before they knew it, she was perching on the steps to look at her new domain, or staring out the bedroom doors to where birds flew in to investigate the news things.</p>
<p>"I told my therapist that I don't miss my old apartment," Bucky said on Christmas Eve. "And I really mean it. Steve, I love it here."</p>
<p>Steve grinned and kissed him. "So do I, baby, so do I."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"What's the next chapter?" Sam asked when Steve called him to wish him Merry Christmas.</p>
<p>"Housewarming party," Steve said. "And then, you know, coming out. And then the wedding."</p>
<p>"Busy times, huh," Sam said. "Let me know so I can help."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Steve said, and meant it from the bottom of his heart.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The housewarming party was a bust. Avengers &amp; Co showed up with more alcohol than people to drink it, admired the place, the neighborhood, the rooms and more importantly, their decision to move in properly.</p>
<p>"I'm so glad Danielle could help," Pepper said over her glass of punch. "Tony loves the painting, too."</p>
<p>Steve had given them a huge canvas painting of Iron Man, which, from the sound of Tony hanging it at the center of his workshop, hit the mark right in the center.</p>
<p>By then Shuri's extra pieces of décor had arrived, pulling the place together in a modern-and-boho style that Steve could identify as 'home'. Not even Sam had any qualms, though he and Bucky couldn't seem to stop their eternal teasing. </p>
<p>"You made the right choice," Clint said after he had a look around. "I was sorry to lose you, but this is better for the two of you."</p>
<p>"Thanks, Clint," Bucky said, and Steve nodded with him.</p>
<p>Thor brought ale from Asgard, and so the party ended in a blur for humans and superhumans alike; a proper coronation for their first ever party in the place that Steve and Bucky co-owned. </p>
<p> </p>
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<p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: [Image of food containing lentils] Having @JBarnes’ lentils for good luck makes you lucky by definition. Thank you and Happy New Year to everyone!</p>
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<p>Tweet by @JBarnes: I told you you were gonna like them. Happy New Year!</p>
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<p>"I'd like to have an interview," Steve told Pepper in early January. "With someone reputable, but not uptight."</p>
<p>"Okay," Pepper said and leaned back in her chair. "Live, pre-recorded, non-visual...?"</p>
<p>"Pre-recorded," Steve said. "I want to come out. As Bucky's partner, in fact. Fiancé."</p>
<p>"Oh wow," Pepper said, surprised, but delighted. "Okay, I can recommend some hosts to you who'd be happy to receive you." </p>
<p>Bucky and Steve agreed that they would share the news as one: that Steve wasn't straight and that he was with Bucky. The backlash would be bigger, but Steve would only have to go through it once; and Bucky could show open support afterwards.</p>
<p>It was time to end the deceit and the secrets. </p>
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<p>"So I was thinking," Bucky said one grey and windy afternoon, sitting on a stool in the studio, half-naked. "Now that we're doing this, how about a wedding in late summer or early fall?"</p>
<p>Steve paused mid-stroke. He was in only a top and boxers, too, because he turned the heating up so that Bucky wouldn't get cold while Steve was drawing him. </p>
<p>Amanda sprawled out across the floor in an undignified heap of fur – she loved both the heat and the company.</p>
<p>"September sounds good," Steve said. "By then most of it should have calmed down."</p>
<p>"Nobody will be calm about this," Bucky snorted. "But we can plan everything until then."</p>
<p>"We have a lot planned," Steve said. He and Bucky both wanted to wear white suits, but not matching ties, and Bucky would have white flowers in his hair.</p>
<p>"Except for the venue, the food and the drinks, the guest list, the decoration..." Bucky rattled off. </p>
<p>"The Avengers and close friends, Shuri and Aneka and whomever you want from Wakanda, therapists and therapy group optional; obviously we want something warm and white, with a lot of wildflowers, and we'll have a few options on the menu for everybody to choose from."</p>
<p>The look Bucky threw at Steve was incredibly unimpressed. "You would be the worst wedding planner, Rogers. You missed the venue, for a start."</p>
<p>That gave Steve another reason to pause. He could draw some concept sketches for how he and Bucky imagined the design, sure, but they needed a <em> where</em>.</p>
<p>Brooklyn was an obvious choice, but Central Park was a beloved place for the both of them, unless...</p>
<p>"Would you want to get married in Wakanda?" Steve asked.</p>
<p>Bucky shook his head, then went back to his initial pose flawlessly, thank God.</p>
<p>"Nope; New York, instead. Wakanda would be an honor, but I want another memory to tie us to this city."</p>
<p>To start their together-life together, here. Steve couldn't hide his besotted smile, and Bucky rolled his eyes at him. </p>
<p>"Which part?" Steve asked.</p>
<p>"Brooklyn?" Bucky said. "But a park would be nice."</p>
<p>"I was thinking Central."</p>
<p>"No way. Prospect, at least."</p>
<p>"Okay, fine. There, you see, we have our venue!"</p>
<p>“And you think eight months in advance is enough to book it?” Bucky asked incredulously – and betraying that he, too, had been looking into the wedding stuff, not just Steve.</p>
<p>“We’ll see when we can ask about it,” Steve said confidently.</p>
<p>Bucky laughed at him, but it was alright; they were getting married. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve requested a one-on-one session with Gillian right before his interview on the talk show where he would come out on. </p>
<p>He understood now what Bucky must have been going through before the move: he knew, intellectually, that this needed to be done and that his life would change for the better (in the long run, anyway), yet he couldn't help but dread the change.</p>
<p>But Steve was nothing if not resolute, and fear had always made him want to charge faster towards it, propelled to beat it and rise victorious. </p>
<p>Gillian told him that coming out would be hard, but it would be freeing for him. There was no right recipe, no one size fits all answer; but constantly wearing disguises to avoid recognition wasn't a long-term solution either. </p>
<p>She also offered some advice about how to cope; prior among those was limiting his social media browsing and focusing on the things that he was proud of, so as not to lose confidence in himself and his choices. She also reassured him that he could call her up anytime.</p>
<p>"You will eventually need to draw boundaries," she warned him. "If you open up, some may take it as an invitation and begin to pry deeper than it's comfortable."</p>
<p>"Yeah," Steve agreed. "Not that they don’t try now, but I guess I'll figure that out as I get there."</p>
<p>"It won't be easy, but I believe you are in a good place now to conquer the hardships, and I don't mean physically," Gillian said. "I'll be watching your interview with the rest of the group and we'll be thinking about you."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Steve said. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The night before he went into the studio, Steve spent a few hours sparring with Bucky, then taking a relaxing bubble bath with Bucky, then cooking together, also with Bucky.</p>
<p>Funny, how barely thought about himself as an 'I', only as part of a 'we' nowadays. Every decision he made concerned Bucky, had effects on another human being – the most important person in his life – that he needed to consider. </p>
<p>Bucky had also been seeing his therapist frequently, but he was generally handling public disapproval better than Steve. Unless he had a particularly bad day, he could brush aside mean comments and unjust views, whereas Steve always got a headrush and wanted to change the minds of millions.</p>
<p>Well, he couldn't do that. But he had built a community, sort of, online. There were accounts and forums that paid attention to what he said and seemed to want the best for him, and Steve hoped that they would help him carry the burden of his backlash. That Bucky and the Avengers wouldn't be the only ones to speak out against the homophobia inevitably thrown his way.</p>
<p>But he was a sickly kid from Brooklyn who had many, many things thrown his way all his life, including fists, fascist ideas and sometimes even full Panzers. He had survived that, alone, and he would especially survive this with Bucky. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Please, welcome, Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America!" Dave Troy, the host boomed, and Steve stepped on stage as applause roared from the audience.</p>
<p>"Thanks for having me," Steve said, and they shook hands.</p>
<p>The lights were harsh and hot, and Steve did his best not to focus on the many faces of the audience beyond the circles of the lights. </p>
<p>They exchanged some pleasantries and talked about how Steve believed it was important to not only build more homeless shelters but get to the root of the problem, especially during the unforgivingly cold weather.</p>
<p>"I'm lucky enough to have a place of my own now, and even the rented apartment was fine, but I remember what it was like when we didn't have proper heating and couldn't afford warm food," he said.</p>
<p>"A place of your own? You bought somewhere?" Troy asked.</p>
<p>"Yeah," Steve said. "It was hard after I got out after the ice, and I didn't want to commit – no place felt like a home."</p>
<p>A sad 'aww' rippled through the audience. </p>
<p>"I remember, you started talking about that a few months ago," Troy said. "You said you had been depressed."</p>
<p>"I have been, yeah," Steve said. "I didn't realize how much before I went to therapy and started getting better," he laughed. </p>
<p>"So, your new place, that's a result of therapy too?"</p>
<p>"Partially," Steve said, and took a deep breath. "But also there's, um, my partner."</p>
<p>The ‘awws’ intensified, and Steve ducked his head.</p>
<p>"A partner!" Troy exclaimed. "Now <em>that's </em>new. Have you already moved in together?"</p>
<p>"We have. I broke my lease a while ago and moved into my partner’s, but that apartment wasn't meant for two people, so now we found and bought a brownstone in Brooklyn. I'm so grateful for that, I know that a lot of people struggle with rent and basic living. I used to be one of those people, in fact, and I know what it means to be able to have a steady roof over your head."</p>
<p>"That is exciting," Troy said. "I'm sure we're all very curious about this partner and what they are like to wow Captain America!"</p>
<p>"He didn't wow Captain America, he wowed Steve Rogers," Steve said instinctively, without thinking it through, and wow, was it a good thing that he was planning to come out anyway, because the audience mirrored Toy's absolutely <em>shocked </em>intake of breath. </p>
<p>"He?" Troy asked, cautiously.</p>
<p>"Yeah. I'm kinda not straight," Steve laughed nervously. "I'm bi. Or pan, I'm... you know, it's a process. I find more than one gender attractive, anyway, but my partner happens to be male."</p>
<p>Troy collected himself quickly, Steve had to give him that. "This is the first time you're sharing any of this openly, right?"</p>
<p>"Yes."</p>
<p>"That must be big for you. Can I ask - why now?"</p>
<p>There were so many answers to that, for a moment Steve didn't even know where to start. </p>
<p>"Nobody asked me before," he settled on saying. "Everybody just <em>assumed </em> I was straight. And before I met my partner, I didn't see a point in sharing any of this. I was depressed and I wasn't..." he trailed off. </p>
<p>"Hey, Steve, no pressure. Coming out isn't easy and shouldn't come with explanations," Troy said, and Steve, under the nerves, was very thankful that they chose a host who was not only understanding, but supportive.</p>
<p>"Thanks. I knew there would be a backlash and I wanted to be at a mental place where I'm comfortable facing it and dealing with it."</p>
<p>"But if you are now, that's a great thing," Troy said, and Steve nodded. </p>
<p>"There's also that he's not just my partner, he's my fiancé, and we'd like to get married this year."</p>
<p>This time, the 'awww' was the loudest from Troy, but the audience clearly found this adorable, too. </p>
<p>"Congratulations!" Troy exclaimed. "New year, new life?"</p>
<p>"Yeah," Steve said. "Yeah, and it’ll be a private wedding, but we don't want to worry about people finding out by other means. Being queer is a part of who I am and I wanted to determine how and when I'll share it with the people that support us." </p>
<p>"Absolutely agreed," Troy nodded. "Do your friends support you, I hope?"</p>
<p>"They do," Steve said. "The Avengers have known for a while, and they support both of us."</p>
<p>"And you're not even the first LGBT+ person of the Avengers," Troy said. "Did what happened to James Barnes discourage you?"</p>
<p>"I wanted to come out when he was outed to support him," Steve admitted. "But he told me I shouldn't, because he rightly assumed that I wasn't ready. After that wave passed, yeah, it did discourage me. He shouldn't have gone through any of the shit he was put through."</p>
<p>He would need to be beeped, but oh well; at least he elicited a laugh from his audience. </p>
<p>"I agree, I agree. And how about your partner? Is he out?" </p>
<p>"He is," Steve said. "We talked about me coming here and talking about this, and he fully supports me. He was dragged through hell, and was afraid that I would be, too, and he wanted to wait for me to be ready."</p>
<p>"Sounds like the right guy for you," Troy said. "I suppose his identity will remain a secret?"</p>
<p>"Not quite," Steve said, trying and failing to hide a mischievous smile. "My fiancé is James Barnes." </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Well, that was subtle," Bucky said when Steve fell into his arms in the changing room. </p>
<p>"It was horrible," Steve mumbled.</p>
<p>"You could ask for a re-recording," Bucky said.</p>
<p>"I won't. I don't want to go through this ever again," Steve said, and Bucky rubbed his back. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The episode aired a few days later; a few, anxiety, stress-cleaning and intense scene-filled days later the whole country found out about Steve Rogers being engaged to James Barnes.</p>
<p>The backlash was even more vicious than in Bucky's case. Steve’s twitter got flooded and he had to turn messages and notifications off because he felt like he was being torn apart. A petition reached 100,000 signatures within 24 hours, calling for Steve to be de-ranked and discharged. Twitter and tumblr both broke down, and when the servers got online again, all the trending topics and hashtags involved some reference to Steve. </p>
<p>The LGBT+ community was torn. Some disliked Steve's use of the word 'queer', some had some leftover beef with Bucky, although the latter was at least the minority. Bucky hadn't done anything outrageous since his forceful outing, after all, other than talking to Steve online a lot.</p>
<p>Those discussions were now featured in 'The history of' articles that pointed out that they started their online correspondence soon after Bucky was outed; that they worked perfectly together on the battlefield; that neither had any public relationships before this.</p>
<p>Steve knew that this was just one coming out that he would have to do out of the many, because famous though he may have been, there would be people left that would ask about if he had a girlfriend. But this was the biggest one, and he was able to do it in a way that was true to <em>him</em>. None of the small ones would get out of hand now.</p>
<p>Bucky decided to act as Steve's shield and monitored the online responses and only let a selected few through to Steve. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @aftershulker: @realsteverogers Did @JBarnes corrupt you?</p>
<p>Bucky laughed at that for about ten minutes before showing it to Steve. "If I remember correctly, you made the first move on me," he snorted.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: Nobody corrupted me. I remember being into guys since puberty. And I made the first move on James and hoped I wouldn't get punched in the face for my efforts.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @FoxNews: #notmycaptain and #steverogersisoverparty hashtags trending as many Americans denounce Captain Rogers for coming out as ‘queer’.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @CNN: Avengers’ leader Director Fury says Captain Rogers will remain “at the helm where he belongs”. </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @falconwilson: @realcaprogers @JBarnes I’m happy to finally openly show my support for you two :P</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @nromanoff: #istandwithcap #yesmycaptain #avengers believe in them</p>
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</p>
<p>Tweet by @tonystark: can confirm, they are ridiculously lovesick. would be annoying if it wasn’t so cute.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @capusfanclub: We support @realcaprogers and wish him and @JBarnes all the best!</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @CNN: Wakanda comes out and expresses support for same-sex relations, including that of Captain America and Winter Soldier.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @NYCforCap: The NYC for Cap club believes in equality for all, just like Captain America does. Love is love.</p>
<p>
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</p>
<p>"Look, this is a fan-video of our battle movements," Bucky said and pulled the window up. </p>
<p>"That was some quick editing," Steve said when he saw that it was uploaded shortly after his announcement.</p>
<p>"We look hot together," Bucky observed, and Steve had to agree with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Despite the scrutiny, Steve had never felt… <em> freer </em>in his life than after coming out. Normally they would have hidden behind oversized scarves and beanies, and sometimes they still did, too, but not always. From time to time they went to a coffee shop or a restaurant dressed as how people would expect them to dress, ie. Bucky in black and leather, Steve in flannels and slacks, and just... enjoyed being themselves.</p>
<p>Or at least, the version of themselves that the public knew about. </p>
<p>The first time Steve took Bucky's hand in the line of the supermarket to squeeze was terrifying and exhilarating and liberating. Nobody cared; nobody even noticed, and yet, it was just as big of a step as the actual coming out.</p>
<p>Every little movement after that became a little easier, and eventually, a little less significant, but no less important. Touch was perhaps the most necessary part of their relationship. Not only the kisses, but the gentle brushes of skin on skin, leaning into each other’s spaces, knowing that they could share a breath; these were the things that Steve had missed the most when they were out in public, but now he was able to indulge.</p>
<p>He could keep his eyes on Bucky without worrying about what people would think during public outings, and according to Bucky, a lot of people online had in fact noticed the hearts that were clearly dripping from his eyes. Steve steered clear of social media for the time being, except for what Bucky specifically sent him, but the notion was nice anyway.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Congratulations," Shuri told them during their next call. "We all couldn't wait to see their faces when Steve announced it was White Wolf he was marrying!"</p>
<p>"It was something," Bucky said when Steve just nodded. "And so far, the reactions are what we expected."</p>
<p>"If you'd like to spend some time in a warmer climate, you're always welcome," she said. </p>
<p>Steve and Bucky looked at each other. </p>
<p>"I think we're okay here, now," Steve said. "But thank you." </p>
<p>"Good," she said. "I thought you would be, but you’re both so low on self-esteem sometimes, the reinforcement couldn’t hurt."</p>
<p>“You just want test subjects for that new nano-gun-thing you’re inventing,” Bucky said.</p>
<p>“The two aren’t mutually exclusive,” she grinned.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Steve left Bucky to talk to her about whatever science or gossip they liked to talk about and went to his studio.</p>
<p>The thing he'd been working on the most was what he called wedding sketches: anything and everything that came to mind about the style and fashion, let that be the suits, flowers, how the fabrics would drape over the chairs. Sam had called it his own Pinterest board: something the wedding planner could use in the concept.</p>
<p>Wedding planner. Fuck. They didn't even have a wedding planner yet.</p>
<p>"Do we even need a wedding planner?" Steve asked Bucky later in the kitchen. </p>
<p>"I... don't know?" Bucky asked, which led them to do a quick Google search that turned into about two hours of browsing various sites and getting lost in rabbit holes.</p>
<p>"So, apparently we should've thought about this right after our engagement," Steve mused, looking at a site that promised to get them the best experience for the most important day of his life. He quietly disagreed with the claims: the day he met Bucky and the day he and Bucky first spent the night together and the day they agreed to try this thing for real were just as important, and so were all the other days where they fought and cried and laughed and kissed. </p>
<p>"Nothing about our engagement is what they describe," Bucky shrugged, clicking away. "For one thing, most are very heteronormative."</p>
<p>"But we should definitely make reservations for the venue," Steve said. "Now that we’re out, we won’t need as many NDAs.”</p>
<p>"I'll call Prospect Park tomorrow," Bucky said.</p>
<p>"I'll talk to Tony to recommend some tailors for the suits," Steve added. "I think the rest can wait."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Both were a lot easier said than done. Tony did give Steve the contact details of his favorite tailor, but upon looking at the website, he quickly concluded that it was neither their style nor their preferred price range. Sure, they <em>could </em>afford it, but that wasn't the point: $2000 for a suit they would most likely be wearing for only one day, and not even a whole one, was just unreasonable. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, Bucky kept calling the Park, but when he finally got hold of someone, he was forwarded to another number. Steve lost track after a while but after two hours of calling, waiting, explaining and further waiting, all Bucky got was a 'maybe' for his efforts on booking the venue.</p>
<p>"How do people manage," Bucky grumbled, and tossed his phone aside. </p>
<p>But when they went back to the wedding planning sites Google had to offer, they got even more discouraged. </p>
<p>"Eloping sounds more and more fun," Steve admitted. None of the sites seemed to have what they were looking for. Sure, it would be a special day, but they did not want to make it 'extraordinary'. Their lives had a lot of that already. No, what they needed was something low-key: just some flowers in a tent, then some food and drinks for the guests. Why was that too much to ask for?</p>
<p>"I don't want to elope," Bucky said. "But none of this shit, either."</p>
<p>"Do you think we should get married on a private property instead?" Steve asked because they'd never really considered that possibility. But who knew if there was a place to take them this year?</p>
<p>Bucky pondered for a moment. "If Prospect won't have us, maybe. But let me try for a few more days."</p>
<p>Steve nodded. "You know, I think I preferred worrying about coming out instead," he said and rubbed his forehead.</p>
<p>Bucky snorted, then pulled his phone out, and within seconds, Steve's own beeped with a notification.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @JBarnes: "I preferred worrying about coming out instead of the wedding planning"- @realsteverogers, after a full day of unsuccessful errands.</p>
<p>Steve laughed, and Bucky kissed his temple. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Of course, that tweet got an immense amount of attention. They ignored the ones that said that they shouldn't get/shouldn't be allowed to get married, and also paid no attention to the many, many, <em> many </em>offers from various organizers who volunteered to plan their wedding pro bono. That would be a last resort, and never pro bono.</p>
<p>
  
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<p>Tweet by @nationalpride19: @realsteverogers @JBarnes Easier back in your day, huh?</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: @nationalpride19 Back in my day we couldn't have held hands, let alone get married, so not really.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then a new private text popped up on his phone, to his surprise, from Darcy.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>"What couldn't you get done yesterday?" she asked.</p>
<p>Steve shrugged to himself before texting back. "Suits and booking the venue."</p>
<p>"Where and when?"</p>
<p>"Prospect Park, early September."</p>
<p>Ten minutes later she answered.</p>
<p>"You got a reservation for the first Saturday, noon until the next morning, at the Long Meadow."</p>
<p>Steve almost dropped his phone, then called her immediately.</p>
<p>"You're welcome," she said.</p>
<p>"How?!"</p>
<p>He put the phone on speaker and beckoned Bucky closer. He squinted at Steve but said nothing.</p>
<p>"I worked as Jane's assistant for years, there's nothing I can't get done, including getting a PhD halfway from Asgard," she said. "Now what about the suits?"</p>
<p>"I–" Steve looked at Bucky, who raised an eyebrow. "I can send you some of my sketches of what we'd like?"</p>
<p>"I know Tony's tailor's number," she said. </p>
<p>"No, that's, um..."</p>
<p>"Too fancy," Bucky said. "We won't be able to keep it low profile, but no need to be that extravagant."</p>
<p>"Shame, his work is great," Darcy said. </p>
<p>"He worked for you?" Steve couldn't help but blurt out.</p>
<p>"Of course, he did my winter coat, it's amazing," she said. "A gift from Tony. But okay, I will find you something more reserved."</p>
<p>"Thanks, Darcy," Steve said.</p>
<p>"Anything else?"</p>
<p>This time, when Bucky looked at Steve, he nodded. </p>
<p>"Yeah. How much would you charge to plan our wedding?" </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Two things: please kindly suspend your disbelief about booking a sought-after venue for a weekend within the year 😂 But I believe if anybody could, it would be Darcy.<br/>The other is that I know the basic 'rule' of writing is show don't tell, but I did not want to show even more homophobia than this. As a queer author, even this amount took its toll on me. Extrapolate from the hints for how bad I think this coming out would go irl.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. help me hold onto you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW for angst and anxiety. Corresponds to chapters 6 &amp; 7 of Reputation<br/>Chapter 10: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/3pHkh7d0lzM2AldUtz2x37?si=3b42472a6a9b4715">The Archer </a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>Who could ever leave me, darling, b</em>
    <em>ut who could stay?</em>
  </p>
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    <em>Dark side, I search for your dark side</em>
  </p>
</div><div class="ujudUb">
  <p>
    <em>But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here?</em>
  </p>
</div><p> </p><p> </p><p>When Bucky was called to aid Clint on the mission he had no idea that Brock was to be their backup. </p><p>He wouldn't have said no, obviously. But he would've liked to prepare, maybe. Preferably. </p><p>They hadn't talked since before Bucky was introduced to Steve, and he would've liked to keep it that way. Brock's warnings about Steve still rang in Bucky's ears even though they’d been proven wrong since then. </p><p>On the jet Bucky couldn't help but think about how he dodged a major bullet with Brock and how he lucked out with Steve while being tense as a bowstring because he had no doubts about how ruthless Brock would be if he found out about Bucky and Steve. </p><p>"Why are you so wound up? Got a stick up?" Brock asked him just as they left American airspace. </p><p>"None of your business," Bucky snapped back and closed his eyes.</p><p>"You need a hand for some release?" Brock said again with a snicker. </p><p>"Focus on the mission before Coulson reports us," Clint interjected before Bucky could tell Brock where to shove it. </p><p>"Ooh, my bad," Brock sneered, but at least he shut up. Bucky sent a thankful look Clint's way who nodded back.</p><p>Nobody knew that Bucky was Clint's tenant, at least. But everybody knew that Coulson valued his opinion more than anybody else's, and that contributed directly with Thor and Black Widow and indirectly with the Winter Soldier joining the Avengers.</p><p>He had power that Brock didn't have, and if Bucky had learned one thing about Brock, it was that he hated feeling overpowered. </p><p> </p><p>Objectively, the mission was a success. Clint had to steal a valuable and dangerous-in-the-wrong-hands artifact from a rich family, and he had acquired the target.</p><p>Subjectively, the mission would be filed under 'let's learn from our mistakes': after days of staking the place out Clint got in without raising any alarms, but he accidentally triggered a warning a room away from the goal that sent in the security detail that then Bucky had to take out. </p><p>Emotionally, the mission was a clusterfuck. Every nerve-ending on Bucky's body was aware that Brock was nearby, and whereas Steve attracted him like a magnet, Rumlow did the exact opposite. His mean quips got old really quickly: Brock called him every slur under the Sun, all disguised as 'friendly banter', and also made comments about Clint's skills and his relationship with Natasha, amongst other things. </p><p>That night he listened to music through his earphones loudly enough for Bucky’s overly sharp ears to pick it up in the tent that they all shared and Bucky ended up sleeping less than two hours. On top of all that, he ‘accidentally’ left one of their bags partially open for the night, which meant that some of their food went bad and Clint’s tech got water damage from the morning moist – no doubt a retribution for Clint standing up for Bucky. </p><p>The shitty week as a whole contributed to the setback of the alarm as neither Bucky nor Clint was in top form. </p><p>Clint chewed Rumlow another one in the plane, which Brock listened to with a bored smirk on his face. </p><p>Bucky and Clint agreed via text that this couldn’t stay this way; Rumlow’s actions risked the success of the mission, and his tone and his lack of respect towards his superiors – two Avengers – was just unacceptable. </p><p>Still, it was with heavy footsteps that Bucky followed Clint to Coulson's office. This, to Brock, would become personal. </p><p>Clint officiated the complaint, and Coulson nodded and said he'd make sure someone looked into it. Knowing Clint's grim smile, that someone would probably be Coulson himself. </p><p>He went home and had a refreshing shower, made sure that his pets were fine – but of course they were, Nat made sure of that – then scrambled some muffins together. Just something simple, three trays done in an hour, just to make him forget about Brock and get him back to the world of normalcy. </p><p>He then took his phone out to text Steve. </p><p>
  <em> Mission finally over. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Everything OK? Can't wait to see you </em>
</p><p>
  <em> thumbs up emoji: @home. can be @tower in 20? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Or you could come straight to my place in Brooklyn? </em>
</p><p>Bucky needed to read that multiple times to make sure. Steve – wanted him in his place? </p><p>So far, they had met on undercover dates and at the Tower, where they both had suites that were way less personal than a real home.</p><p>It hadn't occurred to Bucky to invite Steve over to Bed Stuy, not so soon. </p><p>On some instinctive level he trusted Steve, but he couldn't help but still guard himself in case– in case his world got torn down. Again. </p><p>That was– Bucky plopped down on the bed, suddenly feeling inadequate. Was he really deserving of this trust? Was he ready to be a part of Steve's world? </p><p>But how would he tell Steve no? 'Sorry, I think that's not a good idea' sounded awful, especially given their frequent and enthusiastic meetings in the Tower. </p><p><em> Would love that. Send me the address? </em> he finally typed, bracing himself. </p><p> </p><p>Steve's flat was as un-Steve-like as possible. The neighborhood was about five stars above Bucky's level, and the flat itself was clearly decorated by an interior designer who could only think in minimalist, monochrome terms. </p><p>Bucky started to suspect that Steve was rich as a result of circumstance and that maybe he himself hadn’t even noticed it. He was hanging out with Tony and going with the things that SHIELD threw at him instead of his own personal preference, it seemed, and that helped Bucky ease up.</p><p>Compared to his own apartment, Steve's was neutral and not very lived-in. He had some knick-knacks on the shelves from all around the world, and even a few sketches of places Bucky recognized, but that was about the size of it.</p><p>He wasn't surprised when Steve told him that the only reason he didn't move from the SHIELD-issued flat was that by then this became his only stable thing in his life. </p><p>Bucky could understand that all too well. </p><p>But even so, Steve opened up to him, talked about his past, and shame rolled in Bucky's throat, because he couldn't reciprocate. He didn't– he didn't dare, not yet. </p><p>He attempted to take his mind elsewhere by his usual strategy: flirting.</p><p>“I used to live in the poorest, queerest neighborhood, right under the Brooklyn Bridge,” Steve said.</p><p>“Well, it’s only a few streets away and certainly isn't poor – seems queer enough for me, though," Bucky replied, meaningfully ogling Steve, who, again got the better of Bucky when he said, </p><p>“If you think this is queer, the actual local queer bars will blow you away.”</p><p>What. Steve went to <em>gay bars</em>? </p><p>Even Bucky hadn't, since... well, since Rumlow. And even before, it had only been a handful of times, as a misguided attempt at connection.</p><p>Steve Rogers was a lot braver than Bucky had assumed. </p><p>Bucky suddenly wanted to live up to him, to prove his worth – and then Steve decided it was enough of small talk and kissed Bucky and led him to the bedroom to undress him.</p><p>“You can fuck me,” Steve insisted and kept urging Bucky to get faster.</p><p>Bucky had to actually restrain Steve’s hands above his head, and he, impossibly, became harder at that. Steve laid out under him, naked and perfect, and so ready and willing for him; not a hint of doubt anywhere.</p><p>He was also an annoying little shit and kept trying to skip preptime.</p><p>“I won't fuck your raw,” Bucky had to state. “Where's the lube?”</p><p>“What if I say I don't need it?” Steve challenged him, and Bucky restrained from frowning. Honestly, why did Steve always got to be like this? </p><p>“Then I will tie you to the bed and leave you to your own devices until I rummage around here and find it,” Bucky promised.</p><p>Steve rolled his eyes, and for a moment Bucky thought that he would take it as a dare. And, actually, Steve just got more eager from Bucky restraining his hands, which was an interesting development.</p><p>“Where do you think the lube is?” Steve grumbled. “In the top drawer.”</p><p>He didn't let him go as he found the lube and deliberately made Steve squirm with the cold gel. </p><p>“I told you I don't need that,” Steve hissed.</p><p>“And I told you I was not going to fuck you raw,” Bucky answered.</p><p>“I can take it.”</p><p>Bucky stared down a Steve. “Steve. If you have kinks, if you want pain-play, or blood-play, or whatever...” Steve froze, apparently catching onto the fact that this was not a simple challenge. “We can discuss it when we're not both horny as fuck.”</p><p>He needed to know how he himself felt about that, besides how <em> Steve </em>felt about that. Soft restraints were one thing, but Bucky would not share blood easily. Not even if asked. Especially not Steve's.</p><p>“What I want,” Steve rasped, “is you, in me, now.”</p><p>Bucky exhaled with relief. </p><p>His next breath was taken away, however, when he got a lubed finger inside Steve and found him not only relaxed, but loose and wet.</p><p>“You... prepped yourself?”</p><p>Steve grinned. “Didn't they tell you I'm a master tactician?”</p><p>Bucky was stunned, head spinning, mind racing to put the pieces together. “Why didn't you tell me?”</p><p>Why wouldn't Steve just say so? Unless...</p><p>"Was this a test?"</p><p>He pulled back and almost jumped for the door. Would Steve think that he'd fuck him without prep? <em> Why– </em></p><p>Steve turned his head and kissed his metal wrist, and Bucky took a shaky breath. </p><p>“I knew I couldn't survive until you deemed me loose enough,” Steve said quietly and waited until Bucky's eyes met his. It took immense effort for Bucky to look up, but eventually, he did. “So now, would you please get inside me.”</p><p>What even was happening to him? </p><p>“And yet you say you aren't queer enough?” Bucky asked, and kissed Steve. Steve arched into his touch as always and waited until Bucky got himself under control – not an easy feat. He felt like he had taken two 180 degree turns in the last ten seconds. But Steve was there, Steve was waiting for him, and this <em>wasn’t </em>a test.</p><p>It was okay. </p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>The night wasn’t okay at all. His dream had a bit of everything: Rumlow’s joyless laugh, him being with the Red Room and ordering Bucky to kill Steve, which turned into… doing other horrible things to Steve, who kept pleading, but Bucky was the Red Room's Winter Soldier and didn’t understand it–</p><p>When he woke up he had no idea why it wasn’t cold and why some technician, who in his mind looked like Rumlow, didn’t immediately begin barking orders at him.</p><p>It took him a minute to identify Steve’s voice, who was safe and sound, and so was Bucky. He looked at his left arm: it was Wakandan tech, not the Red Room’s. He breathed in the unfamiliar scent of the apartment, and their bed that contained the musky smell of sex and Steve. </p><p>He blamed the mission when Steve asked him, and decided to tell him about it. Not about Rumlow; he didn’t want to mix Steve and Rumlow together. And then he went to wander the living room and get himself together.</p><p>It was the stress of the new environment and the mission, and maybe Steve’s test as well. Then again, Bucky was the one who began testing Steve, and was still testing him before he let him fully in. Bucky was so ready for a fight with Steve even in his sleep - so ready to <em>survive</em>, because he had, up until now, and he hated that instinct. </p><p>Did Bucky’s tests also cause Steve these kinds of nightmares, he wondered as he browsed a thousand books that every person must read on the shelves. Not dreams this bad, but still. If so, Bucky wanted to stop.</p><p>He had to stop.</p><p>He just had no idea how. </p><p> </p><p>Especially not when Steve kept being so infuriatingly <em> Steve</em>. First, he suggested sparring, against Bucky’s <em> metal hand </em> that he just dreamt about having around Steve’s throat in a decidedly unsexy way, and then asked to draw Bucky. </p><p>There simply seemed no other way to figure him out other than to poke and prod and Steve what would do, and Steve never did what Bucky expected him to. Who wanted to lightly spar against a cyborg with a metal arm and a kill count long enough to go from shoulder to fingertip?</p><p>Steve did, apparently.</p><p>Bucky grounded himself in the present as he and Steve warmed up on the gym floor. He was in control; he had been in control for years. If he– if not, that should come out sooner than later. If he couldn’t be trusted around Steve, better to discover it before they get even more entangled. </p><p>So he charged, monitoring himself, seeing if he’d get carried away, revert back to a programming he no longer had – that he never had, because they never sent him against Cap.</p><p>But he didn’t; he remained Bucky, not Yasha, not the Soldier, not someone the Red Room corrupted. He wasn’t pulling his punches anymore, and he found an equal match in Steve who proved that he was able to use his brains. Occasionally. </p><p>He still tried to move Bucky’s left arm, which was stupid, but Bucky didn’t mind his touch. And when he tripped Bucky and Bucky brought him down with him, Bucky noted that should it all go down south, Steve would be more than his equal.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>No matter how far he’d come, the last couple of emotionally eventful days were bound to catch up to him eventually. After the feeling of flight came the crushing sensation of the earth suffocating him.</p><p>He steadfastly avoided looking at his face in the shops' windows on the way home. The last time he couldn't bear the thought of seeing himself was still in Wakanda, while he was recovering, and he was back to bad habits now. </p><p>He got off the train a few stops earlier than his station and walked, instead, hoping to clear his head, to outwalk his demons. </p><p>Brooklyn was alive at night just as much as during the day, but it was a different kind of alive. All the dirt and the cracks were hidden, and the streetlights and neon signs created an otherworldly feeling. This world was alien, but so was Bucky, which nobody would know. Not here. Not now. The sunlight would reveal the flaws mercilessly, but until then, Bucky was just another stranger in the night. </p><p>Not the person that kept constantly mistreating the kindest, loneliest, most wonderful person on Earth. The one that deserved it the least.</p><p>Bucky quickened his pace as his thoughts caught up with him. </p><p>His heartbeat picked up the rhythm and made his chest heavy. He didn't recall a time when he had heart issues; surely the serum prevented that? But his heart weighed him down, not just his torso, but his limbs, and he found it hard to put one foot ahead of the other. </p><p>A desperate, miserable part of him wanted to turn back and run to Steve. Surely Steve would understand? But of course he would, Steve was just like that: too nice to hold grudges, to be mad when he understood the reasons.</p><p>But what, exactly, were Bucky's reasons? That he had been fighting for his life for so long that he forgot how to love? </p><p>The last thing he deserved was forgiveness. Because he would do it again, he knew.</p><p>This was not something he could outrun; it became an ugly part of him, an aspect of his personality he couldn't shake off or wash away, no matter how much he tried.</p><p>He couldn't stop testing Steve. </p><p> </p><p>The familiar streets of Bed Stuy gave him little comfort, including the sight of his own building. The lights at Clint's were on, so he could've gone up to ask for advice or comfort, but he couldn't bear the thought of other people seeing him. Of people finding out about what he did. How rotten and vile he was, after all the good that he had stumbled upon. </p><p>He didn't even turn the lights on in his apartment, only one small, dim lamp in the kitchen when he fed Amanda. She curled around his legs and purred, not knowing what a horrible person she was stuck with. </p><p>Then he lay down onto his bed and stared up at the ceiling, watched as the traffic's lights swooshed in a half-circle, never ending, never changing. </p><p>He wished he could be Kimoyo, just a snake in a glass container, incapable of love, incapable of feelings. His life would be so much easier and much, much less painful if all he had to worry about was food and water and heat. </p><p>But he had been that, hadn't he. He had been a machine, a <em> thing </em>that was fed and clothed, and yet he had still felt the pain. </p><p>Suffering wasn't that easy to escape. </p><p> </p><p>It all started out as a... game. A trivial, meaningless affair between them, just for one night to get it out of their systems. Then Steve came back, again and again, and the game turned serious. And Bucky didn't actually <em>want </em>him to leave, yet he couldn't stop searching for a reason to make him do so. </p><p>He wanted Steve to stay. Desperately. Or, more precisely, to follow Bucky when Bucky was running away, when he was lashing out, to forgive and love and hold him, and yet, when Steve tried to do so, Bucky just hated himself more for doing this to Steve.</p><p>And he kept doing these tests. Serving Steve horrible wine, daring him to drink it, daring him to have sex in a café's bathroom – things that Bucky didn't actually want Steve to do. He made Steve do them anyway.</p><p>If Steve had had enough of him and just left, Bucky would only have himself to blame. Why was he always trying to ruin the few good things in his life? </p><p>Shuri had called him out on them, multiple times. Less bold though he had been with the Princess, she took none of his shit and put him to his place. Nat was testing him in return, but he expected no less from his little spider. Tony threw a vase at his head, once, and rightfully so. And Brock...</p><p>Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. </p><p>Bucky took a shaky breath and turned to his side. Yeah, at least Rumlow showed his colors quickly when Bucky began to prod.</p><p>Steve wasn't like that, though. Steve was as unlike as Rumlow as can be. It was horrible to even mention the two of them on the same page.</p><p>If Bucky told him about his past with the Red Room, Steve would understand. Steve would understand everything, and accept it, even if – when – Bucky couldn't. </p><p>But Bucky did not deserve understanding and support when he was behaving like this. </p><p>Worst of all was that he saw himself from afar, sort of like an out-of-body experience, and he knew how ridiculously and childishly he was behaving. He may not have had many experiences with relationships, but he saw enough movies, and he knew he was going to lose the best thing to happen to him in a long time because he just couldn't <em>stop</em>. </p><p>He should've been able to accept Steve's love. What the fuck was wrong with him? </p><p> </p><p>"When was the last time you got out of bed?" Nat asked him. Bucky's eyes focused on her slowly. He didn’t know how she got into the apartment, but she had her ways.</p><p>"Fed Amanda," Bucky said. He always fed Amanda, no matter how he was feeling.</p><p>"Shower?" Nat asked.</p><p>"Doesn't help," Bucky replied. </p><p>"Wash your hair and it will," Nat said, and tossed a towel at him. </p><p>“I did yesterday,” Bucky said but went anyway. When he got back to his bedroom, hair dripping and searching for his socks, Nat was sitting on his bed, petting his cat. </p><p>"Why are you here?" he asked the question he should've started with, probably.</p><p>"Steve is moping," Nat said. "It's tragic."</p><p>"He thinks I'm on a mission," Bucky admitted, his voice barely above a whisper. "He doesn't– I can't–"</p><p>"I know," Nat said, and Bucky turned his head from the emotions he saw in her eyes. "Don't think I haven't gone through the same, James."</p><p>Instead of answering, Bucky pulled on a clean shirt and pants.</p><p>"It's hard for us to be 'normal' after we've been through," Natasha said softly.</p><p>"Is it even possible?" Bucky couldn't help but ask, and her head whipped up.</p><p>"Yes," she said. To his disbelieving look, she went on. "I didn't believe it at first. And maybe it's not normal by other people's standards, but neither are our partners. Our relationships."</p><p>Bucky took in a shaky breath and sat down on the bed next to her. The boards creaked under his weight, and Amanda interrupted her purring for a questioning meow.</p><p>"He's so good to me," Bucky whispered, petting her behind her ears and avoiding looking at Nat. "He doesn't think I'm... broken."</p><p>"You don't think you're broken, either," Nat said softly. "Only on your worst days."</p><p>"Aren't I?" Bucky asked. "I can't stop pushing him and waiting for him to leave!"</p><p>"As far as relationships go, that's not the worst," Nat said. "Trust me, I would know."</p><p>Bucky blinked at her. She didn't meet his gaze, instead made a game out of seeing if she could touch Amanda's belly without getting scratched. </p><p>But of course: she was the Black Widow. If somebody knew people’s worst habits, it would be her. </p><p>"All I'm saying is that you mustn't listen to the voices in your head that shout your flaws," Nat said, still without looking up. "Steve wouldn't agree with their lies either."</p><p>"That's why he's better than what I deserve," Bucky mumbled and flapped down on his back.</p><p>"No," Nat said. "Steve has his own flaws and issues too."</p><p>Bucky sighed. "I know. I could strangle him sometimes." </p><p>He really did know. On his good days he did not believe that Steve was better than him. On his bad days... well, on his bad days Natasha found him, thankfully.</p><p>"Good. He's no better or worse than you are," Nat said. "And you can support each other equally. When he's stupid, you call him out and he helps you. When you're stupid, it's vice versa."</p><p>Bucky swallowed. “He is so stupid. We sparred, and he wasn’t even afr– he didn’t mind my arm. At all.” </p><p>Amanda had enough of Nat's pesterings and snuggled against Bucky, who caressed her chin. Nat frowned.</p><p>"Little traitor."</p><p>"Don't play with your prey," Bucky chided her, hoping to distract her, but of course she was smarter than falling for his trap. She pushed her hair out of her face and gave a long look at Bucky.</p><p>“Of course he doesn’t. He’s just like that – he doesn’t mind the Hulk, or my past, or Tony’s, or any of that. And on top of that, he likes you.”</p><p>“As I said. He’s stupid.”</p><p>“You’re no better,” Nat said. "But when you doubt yourself, don't doubt Steve's faith in you."</p><p>"That sounds dangerously like anchoring your worth to someone else," Bucky said. "What if they leave?"</p><p>Even the thought made his chest hurt, and his grip tightened on the cat who meowed in protest.</p><p>"You're not anchoring your sense of worth to his approval," Nat said with a shook of her head. "You're letting him shout over the nasty little demons in your head."</p><p>That seemed reasonable, Bucky supposed. He sighed, and let Amanda go, who flopped to her other side and began to knead the covers. </p><p>"I've had to learn all of this with Sharon," Nat reminded him. "It's really hard, but it's worth it."</p><p>Bucky nodded. "Thanks, Nat," he managed in a small voice.</p><p>"And, no pressure, but he's missing you. Real bad. He won't stop punching out bags in the Tower and staring at his phone, moping like the giant Retriever he is."</p><p>"I just needed to deal with this on my own," Bucky said weakly. It’s only been three days since they last met. <em> Surely </em>he had the right to wallow in misery for a little while. </p><p>"There's no I anymore," Nat said. "What affects you affects him, good or bad."</p><p>A new wave of guilt flooded Bucky. "I'll get myself together and get to him."</p><p>"Good," Nat said, and a real smile appeared on her face. "For the both of you."</p><p><br/>
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</p><p>Aziz listened to him carefully for what seemed like hours later that day, even though it must have been only about fifty minutes. </p><p>"...so I couldn't even sleep, I was just walking back and forth all night, and now I'm exhausted," Bucky finished with a sigh.</p><p>"So, James, let me get this straight," Aziz said, and Bucky squirmed. "You are afraid to let him close, yet you want him close."</p><p>"It's so dumb," Bucky murmured.</p><p>"No, it's very human," Aziz said. "I'm happy to tell you that what you're having is a very normal issue amongst new couples. Perfectly ordinary."</p><p>Bucky blinked. "Really?"</p><p>"You have no idea," Aziz said. "Although I didn't specialize in couple's therapy, I still hear it all the time. Commitment is difficult for a lot of people – for more people than for whom it isn't, I think."</p><p>"Oh." Bucky stared at his lap. "Even though they didn't go through... what I went through?" </p><p>"Yes. Your trauma is... extraordinary, James, but it isn't needed to explain commitment issues. One broken heart, one parent abandoning their child, one friendship ending in betrayal is enough."</p><p>Bucky mulled that over silently. </p><p>"Nat made me recognize that my mental state has an effect on Steve too," he said. "And now I feel..."</p><p>"How do you feel?" Aziz encouraged when Bucky trailed off.</p><p>"I don't know," Bucky said. "Conflicted. It's a new responsibility." </p><p>"It is," Aziz agreed. "Because suddenly, this relationship isn't just Steve being wonderful for accepting you, is it?"</p><p>Bucky frowned at the call-out. "And being annoying," he added sulkily.</p><p>"Yes," Aziz chuckled. "Relationships are complicated, but that doesn't have to mean they're bad."</p><p>"It's not bad," Bucky confirmed. </p><p>"I have to ask," Aziz said when Bucky didn't say anything more, "what do you think is the cause of you not being able to open up to Steve? Is it fear of rejection? Not knowing where to start?"</p><p>Bucky shook his head. "At this point I'm sure Steve would accept... everything."</p><p>"Ah. And that's the point, isn't it."</p><p>"Yeah. How could he accept when I don't?"</p><p>"You have made peace with your past," Aziz said, confidently. "And you know it wasn't your fault."</p><p>"It still happened," Bucky said. "I still have nightmares."</p><p>"And sharing it with him makes you see it in a different light."</p><p>Bucky nodded. It was all just a jumbled mess in his head, and one minute, he was fine, and the next he wanted to run away screaming.</p><p>"Your recent encounter with your ex, and the expectations you had for Steve, made it all worse, haven't they?"</p><p>Bucky sometimes wondered if all therapists were able to read minds or if it was just Aziz. Regardless, he made a mental note to stay clear of Charles Xavier. And Sam Wilson, just in case.</p><p>"Rumlow didn't help," Bucky admitted. </p><p>"I'm sure of that."</p><p>"It may be that I think Steve is worth more than... me," Bucky said. "He's Captain America."</p><p>"You told me that he dislikes being called that when he isn't wearing his uniform."</p><p>"...yeah," Bucky sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. "I'm just insecure, aren't I."</p><p>"Based on how he keeps trying to prove himself to you, I think you may not be alone with that," Aziz said, and Bucky's eyes widened.</p><p>"You think so?"</p><p>"I'm almost certain of it, based on what you've told me," Aziz nodded. "Which, again, is perfectly normal in a relationship. You need to make sure it doesn't get worse, because down the line – and we're talking years here – it can really dig a trench between the parties."</p><p>Bucky waved the last part away. "We'll cross that bridge when we get there. But, if Steve is also... insecure," and suddenly, it didn't sound so strange. Steve was reserved when it wasn’t about fighting against someone, which Bucky thought was just because of his background, but maybe there was more to it. "If he is, he still invited me over to his place."</p><p>"If you ask me, it may have been a test to you just as much to himself. He tends to do that, doesn't he?"</p><p>That was... one way of looking at it. Even though Steve had said they weren't tests, but now, thinking about them, Bucky couldn't help but see it. He also envied Aziz's superpowers.</p><p>"He does. He never goes home, only big."</p><p>"There. See?" Aziz leaned forward and smiled his trademark warm smile at Bucky. "James. We're running out of time, so let me just say this: talking to me about your worries, talking to <em>anybody</em>, is a huge thing. After what you've been through it's a miracle you can trust people and let others in at all. I'm not talking about your capability of love," Aziz raised his hand when Bucky wanted to interrupt. "Or your wish to be loved, but the fact that you can trust <em>any </em>human at all is a wonderful thing. And it's perfectly okay if you don't want to share any more of your past or your life with Steve just yet. There is no rush."</p><p>Bucky nodded and swallowed through the lump in his throat, and Aziz nodded himself.</p><p>"Good. I'll see you next week, then." </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>At least two folklore-evermore references here, woot!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. gave you too much but it wasn't enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 11: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/2dgFqt3w9xIQRjhPtwNk3D?si=7209c4354a2f4f45">Death By A Thousand Cuts</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Our songs, our films, united we stand</em>
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  <em>Our country, guess it was a lawless land</em>
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  <em>Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"I honestly don't have much time to stress about it because of the wedding," Steve said when it was his turn. "I had no idea we would need to do so much, even with our planner Darcy's help."</p><p>"Weddings do that," Shaun said. "The months before my sister's were a nightmare."</p><p>"How are you and your partner coping?" Gillian asked. "With the coming-out, with the wedding, with the new house?" </p><p>"I disabled notifications and only see what people I know send my way," Steve said. He would just get angry otherwise, even though this way meant that he missed out on a lot of interaction. Online isolation wasn't easy, but he couldn't not take it seriously. Bucky was of a similar mind, although he laughed nine times out of ten, but every once in a while, he would also find something that hit too close to home. "The new house is so amazing, it feels like we've always been living there, although there are some boxes we still haven't touched. And the wedding is under Darcy's control, so that's... okay, too."</p><p>And chaotic and overwhelming, because Darcy had a tendency of sending them dozens of pictures daily and getting into every last detail of literally everything, including nutritional values for the menu and how the flower colors and shapes would complement the theme of the event. But the general public had no idea that she was the organizer, and since she'd known Steve for years, she was familiar with his taste – she was the best option and really perfect for the job. And they came to a reasonable agreement about her payment, too. Steve was grateful that she took this 'side job,' as she called it, beside her current research of a complicated alien project that Steve only understood the half of.</p><p>"Will you do anything for the upcoming holiday?" Gillian asked. </p><p>"Turn off your internet for the whole week?" Brad suggested with a mischievous grin. </p><p>"Actually, James and I are planning to go Pride," Steve said bashfully. "So I suppose they'll have better things to talk about on the 4th than my birthday."</p><p>
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</p><p>Steve grew his beard out after coming out, seeing that since now he had a chance to change his image, he should take it. His beard was even longer than in Wakanda, longer than Bucky's perpetual five-o'clock shadow that ventured into outright beard territory more often than not. His hair, however, only fell to his ears; nothing like the mane that reached to Bucky's collarbone. </p><p>Regular upkeep was necessary for both of them. </p><p>"Argh!" </p><p>Steve trotted down to the bathroom to make sure that everything was okay, in case Bucky's shout signified something dangerous, like some AIM goons attacking them or something. He wouldn’t have minded ‘accidentally’ shooting Rumlow, although the bastard kept getting away from SHIELD.</p><p>"You okay?" </p><p>"I'm fine," Bucky mumbled and lifted the remains of what had been his hairbrush. "I broke it," he said, quite unnecessarily. He only had a towel wrapped around his waist, and Steve's eyes followed the water dripping from his hair onto his bare chest. </p><p>"Use mine," Steve said and pulled his own brush out of the drawer. </p><p>"Thanks," Bucky said. "I thought it could take more."</p><p>Steve took the sad pieces of broken plastic from him to throw it out, then had a hard time going back upstairs. </p><p>"Let me brush it?" he asked, startling Bucky. </p><p>He looked at him in the mirror, then nodded.</p><p>"Okay, here."</p><p>Bucky had to kneel on the floormat while Steve sat on the edge of the tub to make it work: a reverse of their usual positions of Steve kneeling at Bucky's feet. </p><p>Initially, Bucky was tense, his shoulders pulled to his ears and muscles taut, but each brushstroke eased some of the tension. </p><p>The silky strands fluttered around the brush and dried with each stroke, becoming lighter, dark brown instead of the black it sometimes looked. Bucky sighed softly and tilted his head back until he was leaning against Steve's knees.</p><p>"Do you want me to braid it?" </p><p>"Do you know how?" Bucky asked.</p><p>"What else is YouTube for?" Steve asked back, and soon they had a video pulled up on the phone that Bucky angled so that Steve could see properly. </p><p>It took a few tries, a few undoing and brushing and restarting, but by the end, Bucky had a few strands of French-braids coming from his temples to the back, where Steve tied them together with an elastic. </p><p>"Wow," Bucky said when he looked in the mirror. "Steve. This is really good."</p><p>"You want similar for the wedding, right?" Steve asked.</p><p>"Yeah. Diamond braids or a half-up bun, I haven't decided," Bucky said. "Would you do it for me?"</p><p>Steve leaned back. "You'd want me to?"</p><p>"Sure," Bucky said. "Of course."</p><p>"It won't be perfect," Steve warned. </p><p>"I don't want perfect, I want you," Bucky rolled his eyes, and then quickly placed a kiss on Steve's mouth. "And knowing you, it <em> will </em> be perfect."</p><p>
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</p><p>That was in May, and from then on, Steve began regularly braiding Bucky's hair and trying out new and newer tricks. Darcy sent them hair tutorials as well, just to make sure they never ran out of ideas to look into, and they ordered some small, handmade fake flowers from Etsy to play with their placements and how they could hide the elastics and hairpins. </p><p>When Pride Month rolled around, Bucky was photographed a lot by Steve's side, wearing two side-braids and a bun, or all his hair pulled back into a Dutch braid, or another one of Steve's creations. He said it helped with the heat because he wasn't going to shave or cut his hair other than the undercut he still sported on his left side. Based on what their teammates sent their way, his new hairdo generated just as much gossip as their appearance at a community event to paint an LGBT+ Youth Center in Brooklyn, or when they attended a conference about the history of queer characters in cinema, or when they helped make pamphlets to support a new move in the Senate. </p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @BuzzFeed: Winter Soldier: what's behind the new hairstyles?</p><p>"Seriously?" Steve asked when he saw it. "In some states, there's still debate about gay marriage, and yet your hair is what they're focusing on?"</p><p>"What did you expect?" Bucky asked back. "Gossip sells better."</p><p>Yeah, Steve wasn't exactly surprised, just disappointed.<em> Again.</em></p><p>"You can tweet back, or you can wait until next Friday," Bucky said and kneaded Steve's shoulders.</p><p>"I don't want to encourage this behavior by reacting," Steve said. The 'they should know better' part was left unsaid, but he knew that Bucky probably heard it nonetheless.</p><p>"It's gonna be worse after the March," Bucky warned. </p><p>They had already joined the Brooklyn Twilight Parade, but since they wore all black, and even the mandatory helmets, nobody recognized them on their bikes. The great NYC Pride March at the end of the month, though, would be a different story. </p><p>
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</p><p>"Draw me a pan star?" </p><p>"A what?"</p><p>"A star, in the color of the pan flag. To my metal bicep," Bucky said. "For the March."</p><p>"Sure," Steve said. "Anything else?"</p><p>"Face stripes?" Bucky asked, grinning. </p><p>"You wanna go overboard, hm?" Steve smiled at him. His <em>fiancé</em>. </p><p>"What, as if you don't?" </p><p>Of course Steve did, too. Problem was, he wasn't exactly sure if he was bi or pan, or something else on the spectrum. He had no preference when it came to gender, but if he used the gay rainbow colors, he certainly would be put in a box that he didn't belong to.</p><p>"Okay, I'll go with pink, purple and blue," Steve settled on. At least that way both the bi and the pan communities would have something to either support or condemn, he supposed. "And the flag I ordered."</p><p>"What flag?" Bucky asked, and Steve, who had been waiting for this moment for weeks, fished it out from his wardrobe.</p><p>The stars were correct: white on blue, in the upper left corner. The stripes, however...</p><p>"They will maim you," Bucky said slowly.</p><p>"I don't care," Steve said firmly, waving the flag once, making the six rainbow stripes flash and flare. </p><p>"You care, Steve. You always care."</p><p>"I want to make a stand," Steve said. "I've been silent for so long." </p><p>"You don't have to immediately start shouting," Bucky said, but with resignation. "I suppose you'll want to wear the uniform, too." </p><p>"I've been considering it," Steve said. "But on the cover image I'm wearing it anyway, so I don't think it's necessary to do it in the parade. I'll take my shield, though."</p><p>"Good thing I've been meaning to wear a sleeveless top anyway," Bucky said. "Since we're going in half uniform."</p><p>"Which half is that?"</p><p>"The more outrageous half," Bucky said. </p><p>
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</p><p>Steve respectfully disagreed: they were dressed decently for the march. Bucky, true to his word, wore black jeans that channeled his combat pants and donned a sleeveless white top with Steve's shield drawn with rainbow circles on the front. His black ring reflected the light on his flesh hand that Steve had a hard time keeping his eyes off of, even after all these months, as he was painting a star to Bucky's prosthetic shoulder. </p><p>"Gold?" Bucky asked when Steve uncapped the first bottle of Acrylics.</p><p>"I think a gilded outline would help the star stand out more," Steve replied. "And make it tie in with the rest of your arm."</p><p>"I like that," Bucky said, then sat still when Steve dipped the brush into the paint.</p><p>Steve didn't remember a time when he couldn't draw an even star, and he made sure that he drew the best and prettiest one on Bucky's shoulder. The gold outline dried very fast; Steve barely had to wait any time before he went in with the fuchsia that he made on his palette. </p><p>"This is so much better than my red star used to be," Bucky said when he looked down. "Much more... benevolent."</p><p>"I hope so," Steve said, already working with the yellow. "This will scratch off and can be taken off with removers."</p><p>"I know," Bucky said, and shrugged with his free shoulder. "I won't want to wash it off, though."</p><p>"You can keep it if you want," Steve grinned. "A new symbol for the Winter Soldier?"</p><p>"I wouldn't want to hijack the symbol of the community," Bucky said, then fell silent, and Steve could tell that he was chewing on something, but he didn't ask. </p><p>When the blue, yellow and fuchsia star was done, Bucky admired it so much he took about fifty pictures immediately 'for future reference'. Steve snorted, but helped make Bucky's hair with a lot of tiny braids that cascaded down to his shoulder with the rest of his hair as it was, and pulled some away from his face so that he would have an easier time in the inevitable heat. </p><p>Bucky gave Steve a kiss that was so deep and so filthy that Steve seriously considered skipping pride and staying inside, with the cool AC and the heavenly embrace of his lover, before Bucky shoved his clothes at him to make him change.</p><p>Steve wore a T-shirt instead of a sleeveless top, also white, with the words EQUAL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE emblazoned on the front in black, the shield’s harness leaving the letters visible. He tied the pride-American flag around his waist, so his shield would be uncovered. He would be sweating buckets by the end, but it would be so, <em> so </em> worth it.  </p><p>Bucky used his fingers to draw a line of pink, a line of purple, and a line of blue to Steve's cheeks, and Steve did the same for Bucky with pink, yellow and blue. </p><p>"Ready to further the homosexual agenda?" Bucky asked, and Steve kissed his laughter off. </p><p>
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</p><p>Before they actually started the march a <em> ton </em>of people wanted to take pictures with them, and Steve found himself posing more easily than he would've been without the backdrop of rainbows everywhere. He did not take his shield off of his back: he made a promise to himself to only do so in an emergency. He did wave his flag a lot, and even tied it around his neck like a superhero cape, to the eternal joy and loud clapping of the many people that stood around them.</p><p>Bucky flexed his left arm, making the star stand out and the gold reflect the light, blinding even Steve for a moment. </p><p>They walked hand in hand, and the ring on Steve's left hand constantly pressed against the one on Bucky's right. Steve snapped a picture of it when the crowd stopped for a moment, and uploaded it to Twitter with the caption, "He's the best thing that's ever been mine". </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Later, the petition to take his title away resurfaced with a vengeance. Even some of the liberal politicians and journalists began to ask if the shield and the colors of the nation are allowed to take a side in the sexuality-debate. A quick scroll through the FoxNews feed had Steve's blood boiling.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: This isn't taking a side. There are people and there are human rights, and that's the end of the story.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @JBarnes: Military personnel are allowed to march in uniform at the parade.</p><p> </p><p>A few right-wing politicians brought up countries where service members weren't allowed to wear uniforms off-duty, including soldiers, firefighters and policemen to events like the pride parade. They suggested that maybe it would be wise if the US implemented the same rules because they claimed the current situation 'confused' people about what the country stood for.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @FoxNews: Rep. Senator Smith pushes for off-duty uniform restrictions.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: I wasn't wearing my uniform, just my shield. As an Avenger I'm allowed and even encouraged to carry it off-duty too.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: It would be a sad day if the US began to take note from countries where gay marriage isn't legal.</p><p>
  
</p><p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: The US stands for liberty, equality and the right to happiness. That includes minorities, ie. people of color and LGBT+ people.</p><p> </p><p>There were some comments that singled his relationship out specifically because of Bucky. Steve ignored the ones that said that something else should've been his 'best thing'; they either had an issue with Bucky, or, in a handful of cases, claimed that Steve shouldn't be objectifying Bucky. Really, browsing various news sites was kind of counterproductive after muting his notifications, but he couldn't stop himself.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p> </p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>THE GAY COMMUNITY'S ISSUE WITH QUEER CAPTAIN AMERICA</p>
  <p>A member of the NYC Intersectional LGBT+ Facebook group posted a few pictures of Captain America, aka Steve Rogers, and the Winter Soldier, aka James Barnes, from the Pride Festival. On the picture the duo (who came out six months ago as a couple) are holding hands, wearing pride-related outfits and generally looking happy.</p>
  <p>One commenter, however, expressed that the media putting them in the headlines was unnecessary.</p>
  <p>A lot of evening news had mentioned Rogers and Barnes as partakers in the parade, alongside other prominent and famous people, but as Rogers and Barnes came out as an engaged couple a few months ago they understandably hijacked the spotlight.</p>
  <p>Another commenter went even further and said that both Rogers and Barnes represent a harmful image to the LGBT+ community: "white, traditionally attractive, strong men who even wear beards to underline their masculinity," said the comment. "But where are the less traditionally masculine representations?"</p>
  <p>While the 8000+ reactions may show that many agree with the statement, a reply pointed out that the media is full of effeminate gays, and some variation was very welcome. Another said that Cap and Barnes were real people with real feelings, not out there to represent something.</p>
  <p>Now while that could be argued with, it shows that the LGBT+ community isn't universally happy with the new members. </p>
</blockquote><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>There were, of course, a lot of positive posts too. Tweets that showed support for him and Bucky, that praised their decision to join the March, even a round of posts that featured same-sex couples with the 'best thing that's ever been mine' tagline. Steve willed himself to focus on those and not on the homophobic idiots. </p><p>And on Bucky, of course. </p><p>"Darcy sent over the marriage license forms," Steve said. "We need to fill them out at the beginning of September, but she thought we should look it over now."</p><p>"Okay," Bucky joined Steve on their wonderfully oversized couch, and Amanda immediately jumped into his lap - despite the bigger house she now could roam, she still preferred to be in a room where her humans were. "Anything specific?"</p><p>"Birthdate for you," Steve said. "These can be seen by the public upon request, and I bet the first thing some journalist will do is snap a photo and post it, so..."</p><p>Bucky fell silent. </p><p>Steve let him think and watched Bucky's ring as he idly petted Amanda. </p><p>"I want to be married to you with my real birth year," Bucky finally said. "Maybe it's stupid, but that is a part of me. My name isn't, not anymore, but I do remember everything that's happened to me and everything I've done, and that couldn't have happened in thirty years."</p><p>"I don't think it's stupid," Steve said and leaned into Bucky. </p><p>"What about you?" Bucky asked. "Fourth of July or 5th of April?"</p><p>Well, fuck. Steve hadn't thought about that. "I suppose I've burned enough bridges already, what's one more?"</p><p>"Don't do it because I am doing it," Bucky said. "This is not a challenge."</p><p>"I am sick of people wishing me a happy birthday in the middle of summer," Steve said. "I'm gonna request a new ID from SHIELD, too."</p><p>"And a new driver's license, I hope. One that's actually valid."</p><p>"Fuck you."</p><p>"If you want," Bucky said coyly. "If that's all about the forms..."</p><p>"There's one more thing," Steve said. "They ask what our names will be after the marriage."</p><p>Bucky blinked at him in surprise, then sat up. "You asking me that means that you're thinking something other than what they are now."</p><p>"I am," Steve said slowly. "I was thinking Barnes-Rogers, for the both of us." </p><p>Bucky's breathing increased, but he did not move or blink. Just when Steve was about to get concerned, he spoke up.</p><p>"You'd want that?"</p><p>"Yes," Steve said firmly. </p><p>"I... but you are Captain Rogers," Bucky said numbly. "You can't be Captain Barnes-Rogers."</p><p>"On the field, I'm Captain America," Steve shrugged. "That won't change, but I'm fine with being Captain Barnes-Rogers elsewhere."</p><p>"I can't do that," Bucky said, and Steve's heart sank. "I can't take Cap away from the public, that’s unforgivable."</p><p>Steve dropped to the floor and hugged Bucky's knees. Bucky slowly turned his eyes to meet Steve's, and Steve squeezed Bucky's legs.</p><p>"You are not taking Cap away from anybody," he said, as calmly and confidently as he knew how. "This isn't about Cap. This is about me, Steven Grant Rogers, and you, James Buchanan Barnes."</p><p>"It has an effect on Cap."</p><p>"Yeah, so did me coming out. So did me dying, then coming back to life. So will every big decision I make, but I won't let that corner me into a box. Cap doesn't rule my life, not anymore."</p><p>Bucky stared into his eyes, and Steve got the feeling that this time, he was seeing his point. Wherever he went when he got lost in his thoughts, he was back.</p><p>"I've redefined what Rogers means to me before," Steve went on. "Many, many times, even before I joined the army. I'm willing to do that again, because you're a part of my life now, and I'd like to specify that. Even if it means being partly <em>of Barnes. </em>"</p><p>That elicited a somewhat wet laugh from Bucky, but then he reached out and ran his fingers through Steve's hair, who closed his eyes and leaned into his lover's touch. </p><p>"I haven't even considered this possibility before," Bucky admitted. "But yeah, I like the sound of Barnes-Rogers too."</p><p>Steve smiled and surged up to kiss Bucky. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The Friday after the parade the new issue of <em>Time </em>magazine hit the newsstands with the new cover: Steve, in full Captain America gear, wearing a pride flag over his shoulders, looking straight at the camera with his chin raised in a dare.</p><p>"BEING PROUD OF AMERICA," the tagline said under Steve's name, because no matter how hard Steve tried, the editors wouldn't change that. The article and interview were no less groundbreaking, but come what may, Steve was proud of it and did not care what anybody else thought.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Captain America: An old icon for a new generation?</em>
  </p>
  <p>Steve Rogers, widely known as Captain America, leader of the superhero group Avengers, came out earlier this year as being engaged to his fellow teammate, James Barnes, aka the Winter Soldier. Since then he's been heralded as the queer icon of the century as well as called the worst thing that could've happened to America. This summer, he marched at the Pride Parade with his fiancé. In this issue we discuss being queer in the thirties, wedding plans, and what changing representations means.</p>
  <p>I: More and more 'gay shields' hit the market every day - little stars in concentric circles, but instead of the red, white and blue, they are rainbow colored. I've seen them pinned to backpacks, denim jackets, berets – mostly teens and LGBT+ people, but not exclusively. How do you feel about that?</p>
  <p>SR: It's good that people can show now who they are. If they're wearing those pins to show their support, I can only say thank you, it means a lot.</p>
  <p>I: How did you deal with the aftermath of your coming out? </p>
  <p>SR: I tried to focus on the people who understood what I was going through. It had felt like my image was set in stone, and there was a time when I didn't believe that I could change it. I talked a lot about that in therapy, for instance – I have learned that closing down and bottling up your feelings isn't helpful in the long run.</p>
  <p>I: There certainly was a backlash, and I suspect that will enhance after the Parade (where Rogers plans to attend at the time of writing this article). </p>
  <p>SR: And after this issue comes out. The photos you guys took are something! (<em>laughs</em>) </p>
  <p>I: Thanks! (<em>aughs</em>) You haven’t been overly involved with the LGBT+ community, but you were ready to wear the suit and pose with the flag for the cover. What changed? [Editor's note: Rogers attended various pride community events in June around New York.]</p>
  <p>SR: For me, being queer is just a part of who I am, and it always has been. Yeah, queer, I know – it was used as a slur when I was growing up, but I like how now it's a term that everybody can use who isn't sure or doesn't want something more specific.</p>
  <p>I: Which one are you, the former or the latter?</p>
  <p>SR: Somewhere between bi and pan, so I'm okay with queer. </p>
  <p>I: What was it like, knowing that you were different while growing up during the depression?</p>
  <p>SR: Not easy. I was lucky in the sense that I was very unlucky; all the things you see in the Smithsonian are true. I was small and sickly, and an artist, Irish Catholic, son of Irish Immigrants, so I had the cards stacked against me from the start. Being queer was just one more thing on the list that people used against me. By no means was I open, back then, that would've been fatal. But I went to clubs and had very incriminating images in my sketchbooks, but no wonder nobody knew that when I was under the ice. You didn't advertise that back then.</p>
  <p>
    <em>He looks back at the past, and in a young body I see a soul that is as old as my grandparents.</em>
  </p>
  <p>I: Could that also be a part of why you didn't disclose it in the new century?</p>
  <p>SR: Yes. I was so shocked when I woke up.</p>
  <p>I: I can imagine.</p>
  <p>SR: (<em>laughs</em>) You're right, but even other than the 'you didn't die, surprise!'. I was shocked to see what happened to Captain America while I was sleeping. Cap was created to encourage the American people to support the war effort against the Nazis, which is something I still stand for, and I've done what I could do achieve that. And then I wake up a few decades later and suddenly Cap wants women to cook better for their husbands instead of going to work, and thinks that black people shouldn't go to university, and all sorts of nonsense that various politicians came up with. </p>
  <p>I: You've done your history homework - that must've been a wild ride!</p>
  <p>SR: The more I read about how Captain America was used as propaganda, the more horrified I got. I don't agree with most of it, and I think they go against why he was created in the first place: to give hope in very desperate times to those in need, those who don’t have the power. And then it was twisted to maintain the helplessness of those in need. I'm sorry, I'm not very eloquent, I know – James [Barnes] is much better at expressing himself than I am. He reads more than the history books that I do. </p>
  <p>I: It's okay, I think your meaning is very clear. But you did some advertising work yourself, haven't you?</p>
  <p>SR: I have, and I think they were for the right reasons, but I wouldn't do them today. I was freshly out of the ice, I joined SHIELD because Peggy [Carter] founded it, and when I talked to her, I could see her vision. But I was depressed, and definitely not in the right mindset to make educated decisions about things I had just heard of for the first time in my life. If I agreed with what I've been told then I didn't do as much research as I do now. I was naive, I know, but I thought that all the things they told me were true: how there was equality now for queer folk and black people and women, I just believed it at first. It took me a while until my eyes opened.</p>
  <p>I: That sounds similar to what a lot of young people go through. It takes a while to see the problems in the world, especially when every major player keeps telling you that everything is fine. </p>
  <p>SR: Oh yes. By the time I've started to see the cracks, I've unintentionally cemented my image as a conservative, traditional figure. I remember riding around the city, unnoticed under my helmet, stopping at a red light and wondering if things could ever change.</p>
  <p>I: Can you tell us more about those cracks?</p>
  <p>SR: I realized how differently Pepper [Potts] and Natasha [Romanoff] are treated by the media. The focus on their appearance and what they eat and if they have a partner is something you don't see being asked from men, and it comes at the detriment of their achievements. I know that Peggy was treated so badly for being a woman in the Army, but I had thought we'd left that behind. Same goes for people of color: I had never thought anybody would have a problem with Rhodey [Col. Rhodes], but reading the comments opened my eyes. By the time I met Sam [Wilson], I was more aware that these aren't individual issues, but problems that run through the whole system. That's something you also have to learn, that racism, sexism, homophobia... these aren't happening in a bubble because of some thoughtless people. These are what we inherited from our past, the past that I was also a part of, and what we still can't shake off. But we have to try.</p>
  <p>
    <em> He doesn't lift his voice, but something changes. The determination that's familiar from news footages is just as overwhelming in person. </em>
  </p>
  <p>SR: Because sure, if someone calls you a slur for holding your boyfriend's hand on the street, that's one instance. If that someone has a senator backing them up and saying they have every right to deny you service, that's a systemic issue.</p>
  <p>
    <em> He trails off, angry and disappointed, and I encourage him to go on. </em>
  </p>
  <p>I: It sounds like you had to rediscover America just as much as Captain America. Or should I simply say discover?</p>
  <p>SR: Rediscover is the perfect term. We say that we are the land of the dreams, where you could be anybody and achieve your dreams, yet we forbid people their individuality? We shun them if they are different than us? We should be celebrating those differences. I think about that a lot, you know, sometimes I even dream about being a kid and being bullied again. I used to think to myself, 'I wish I lived in a place where this didn't happen'. Then I get to a different century and believe, for a moment, that this is that place, that time – but it isn't, and that realization is heartbreaking. So I kind of understand why it’s so hard for people to accept that our country isn’t perfect once they've believed that. Don't get me wrong, I'm still proud to be American. I still couldn't live anywhere else or wear another country's colors. But we should be doing so much better in so many things.</p>
  <p>I: You're talking about something that they have special courses to help people understand, yet you arrived here on your own, and fast, too.</p>
  <p>SR: Fast? No. It took me years, sadly. I read what my friends sent my way because I wanted to understand this world better. And my own, I suppose, since back then I was either on the verge of dying at home or at the Front. And these thoughts were building inside but I didn't know how I could voice them.</p>
  <p>
    <em> He trails of, and I take a leap. </em>
  </p>
  <p>I: Before you met James?</p>
  <p>SR: Yeah. (<em>laughs and blushes)</em> He helped me express myself so much better than before. I had to, because relationships take a lot of communication, and I wasn't good at that, and sometimes I'm still not, to be honest. And I got into therapy, which, you have no idea how much it helped. I'm like one of those relentless ads, you know? 'Trouble sleeping? Try yoga! Want to lose weight? Try yoga!' Except for yoga, all I recommend is therapy. So when I got better, mentally, all these things that have been bothering me have bubbled to the surface.</p>
  <p>I: I think it's very valuable to have someone so influential advocate for mental health awareness.</p>
  <p>SR: I'm not sure I'm the best advocate, but I want to try. I don't like it when they act as if I'm the new Queer Icon, because I'm not. What have I done for queer rights? Nothing. I've been in the closet for years. But I came out, and at least I hope that by itself can maybe do some good; that maybe there is someone out there who thinks, 'Cap could do it, and so can I!' That would be enough for me.</p>
</blockquote>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. all's well that ends well to end up with you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 12: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1dGr1c8CrMLDpV6mPbImSI?si=03035c6d713a4576">Lover</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Can I go where you go? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Can we always be this close forever and ever? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> And ah, take me out, and take me home (forever and ever) </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The last week of August arrived a lot earlier than Bucky had expected it to, even though there had been days during the Summer that never seemed to end. </p><p>When Sam came over after a mission and complained about the state of their perfectly comfortable couch, and that Amanda didn’t like him, and that Steve kept sending naughty memes his way to annoy him, that had been one such day. (Bucky, who forwarded the memes to Steve in the first place, didn’t agree with him: Steve kept the dirtiest ones back.)</p><p>When they went to their third fitting of the suits, and a new assistant kept flirting with Steve so much that Bucky developed a bad case of possessiveness and stormed out of the place only to end up having a crying fit at home, that was another. (Steve kept reassuring Bucky that he loved him and nobody else, and Bucky knew that, that made it all the more embarrassing.)</p><p>And when Bucky tied beautiful knots around a naked Steve, laid out on their beautiful, brand-new, king-size bed, then played with him all night before letting him come, well, that occasion seemed to end all too soon. </p><p>Then, September was around the corner, and with that, so was the wedding. The last week of the Summer was one of the hardest and busiest ones in Bucky’s life, and it made him regularly question their decision to go full out with the ceremony instead of just walking down to the townhouse.</p><p>Despite them starting out to have a 'low-key' wedding, somehow the event itself grew with each passing day. Only superheroes and their significant others were invited, but then so was Steve's therapy group, some of their new neighbors and most of the old ones from Clint’s building, a few of Peggy's descendants and relatives, including Sharon, many of the Wakandans, including Shuri, T'Challa and Aneka, half of Peter's science competition team, Sam's co-workers at the VA, a few people Steve was running with regularly, a bunch of the guys from Bucky's cooking circle... the list kept going on and on and on. </p><p>Space and food were no problems with a wizard like Darcy at their time. That, however, did not mean that other things didn’t pop up from time to time.</p><p>"I am sending your wedding present over, it should arrive tomorrow," Shuri declared one night.</p><p>"The wedding's not for another–"</p><p>"I know, but this, you will need for the ceremony," Shuri said. "Wakanda needs to show its support for your union, after all."</p><p>Bucky was silent and felt Steve shift beside him. "That's very kind of you," Steve said. "May we ask–"</p><p>"I've been thinking about it for the longest time," Shuri said, bouncing with excitement. "At first, I debated sending White Wolf what is effectively a scarf, but that wouldn't be appropriate. Then I considered providing the tent, but I know that just wouldn't fit with your ideas especially given the weather forecast. And then, finally, I realized that a carpet was the perfect choice, upon which you could declare your wish to spend the rest of your lives together."</p><p>"A... carpet?" Bucky asked numbly, and Steve swallowed.</p><p>"Yes!" Shuri said. "It's perfect! It's metaphorical, because Wakanda played a huge part in your relationship, almost like providing a solid base for it, and..." </p><p>Bucky zoned out. A carpet, at this stage, was not the best idea; they had commissioned a small dais where the grooms would stand with the witnesses in front of a floral arch. The guests would be sitting in rows on either side of the ‘aisle’, and a tent was at the ready to be set up should it rain. The wooden materials had been stained to the light, almost white oak color that Steve and Bucky chose, and the dais had a light cream covering, and knowing Shuri and how her style resembled Tony's the most in terms of being reserved...</p><p>"Why gold and blue?" Bucky heard Steve asking, and came back to the present. "Does it have any significant meaning?"</p><p>Steve had become very invested in color coordination and meaning these last few months. A step, compared to his fascination with beige, but not necessarily in the right direction.</p><p>"Yes," Shuri said. "The gold will match White Wolf's arm, and the blue will make both of your eyes pop. Plus it will match the rest of the décor; I have consulted with Darcy."</p><p>Well, that at least meant that Darcy knew about it. Bucky couldn’t imagine what she found enjoyable about wedding planning, but she kept saying that it fulfilled her interests that Astrophysics couldn’t. </p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>"I can't believe that this is happening," Steve said as he dropped down next to Bucky one night.</p><p>"What now," Bucky sighed.</p><p>"I have a mission tomorrow– when we're supposed to talk to the photographer." Darcy had one of her non-reschedulable conferences that day, so they’d agreed weeks prior that it would be on the grooms to deal with this one.</p><p>Bucky groaned. "Doesn't Coulson know–"</p><p>"He does, but he said this couldn't wait. Saving children in Africa or something."</p><p>"At least you could say hi to Shuri," Bucky said, then a thought occurred to him. "Are you sure this isn't a disguise for a stag party?"</p><p>Horror flashed on Steve's face. "Better not be. I told Sam pretty clearly that I wanted to celebrate spending my time and my life with you, nothing else."</p><p>"I'm sure that made him thrilled," Bucky grinned, then sobered. "Okay, I will talk to the photographer."</p><p>They had already talked to the woman Darcy found and vouched for, but they needed her to walk the grounds of Prospect Park to know what to prepare for and be shown where everything would be taking place. And Steve had the artistic eye out of the two of them, not Bucky.</p><p>Steve seemed to have read his thoughts. "Just don't think about it like a sharpshooter and you'll be fine."</p><p>"Thanks, punk," Bucky grumbled. Then he paused before fishing his phone out and dialing someone. </p><p>Steve raised an eyebrow while the line rang. </p><p>"Hey, Tony," Bucky said. "Coulson scheduled a mission for Steve tomorrow when we should be organizing our wedding. Could you help us out?"</p><p>"That's nice, Barnes, yes, I'm fine, thanks for asking, not that you would since all you care about nowadays is your precious wedding, and I get it, really, if I had a fella like Rogers I probably wouldn't shut up about it, it's a miracle that you were able to at all–"</p><p>"I will cover for you for May Parker on the 21st," Bucky interrupted him. </p><p>May had been insisting to visit Tony's workshop with Peter, and Tony had been doing his best to avoid the tour.</p><p>"Consider tomorrow's mission covered," Tony said promptly. "Have fun picking out the fairy lights or whatever."</p><p>"Do we need to–" Steve began after Tony hung up.</p><p>"Already have, in July," Bucky replied, and snuggled into Steve's side. </p><p> </p><p>The wedding planning combined with the missions and their new life in the brownstone took up most of Bucky’s mental estate. He found that even without blocking notifications like Steve, he hardly glanced online to see what the fine people of the internet were saying about them. </p><p>He knew from the Avengers groupchat that despite the waves of vitriol in the wake of Steve’s coming out and then the Pride Parade, their online support grew stronger every day. He sometimes saw pictures secretly taken of himself and Steve when they were running errands, like picking wedding flowers or just having coffee, and the reactions spoke of more and more encouragement. It was a slow process, but it was going in the right direction.</p><p>What was even better was that even Steve got so immersed in the wedding that he couldn’t try and fight every single homophobic comment; he simply didn’t have time. Darcy and Bucky both kept him busy in different ways, and so Steve’s focus got hijacked by dance practice and seating arrangements instead of trying to force people to come to their senses. It was a victory that Bucky would be celebrating almost as much as the wedding itself.</p><p> </p><p>Bucky had read that the week of the wedding would be the most stressful and hectic week of it all, and he had decided early on that he wanted none of it. No rehearsals, no missions, no anything. Darcy would handle whatever came up as she had proven before that she could. He and Steve applied for a marriage license and got it without a hitch; from then on, they could've just walked into the City Clerk's to get a certificate, and that would've been enough. Everything else – their friends in attendance, Prospect Park, the whole shebang – was just a nice bonus.</p><p>Therefore they told Coulson and Darcy to only call them if the world was ending, and they began to prepare in the comfort of their own kitchen. </p><p>The baking mixes came first. Bucky measured and intuited, and Steve labelled everything with eloquent cursive, and by the end of Tuesday, they had their pantry full of mason jars filled with dry mixes. </p><p>Bucky had made them all before and knew how to make a concoction that would keep fresh until Saturday. Therefore, on Wednesday, they began to bake. </p><p>Bucky had rented an industrial oven and an industrial freezer just for the occasion and was really glad for the extra help of supersoldier hands when he had to carry them up to the flat.  The new kitchen, and mostly, the living room – not that new, at that point, but Bucky still kept thinking of the whole place as new – was spacious enough to house them, much to his delight.</p><p>One tray carried twelve star-shaped silicone forms, two trays fit onto one level, and the industrial oven had four baking levels. Their own, regular oven would've died one third into the way of baking for the full wedding crowd. </p><p>Because that's what they were doing: both Gillian and Aziz advised them to find a working coping mechanism, and both Steve and Bucky wanted to go with something that was productive, but not stressful. Steve had joked that if Bucky baked for a week, there would be no problems, which Bucky shrugged off as impossible – making a proper, multi-tier wedding cake would be everything but stress-free. And then Steve had said that they could just make muffins instead, and Bucky laughed, but Steve was serious. "Why not?", he'd asked, and Bucky couldn't answer that - it was their wedding. They were free to do what they wanted.</p><p>And they wanted to make muffins.</p><p>All they needed to do was get everything else ready for a week earlier and have the last week to themselves.</p><p>Deciding the flavors weren't easy, so they went with a little bit of everything. There were chocolate chips and vanilla, of course, but then also triple chocolate, raspberry, and blueberry – what Bucky considered classics. But they needed to factor in various diets, so that's how the flourless funfetti, the vegan strawberry, the gluten-free banana, and the egg-free, dairy-free and vegan rhubarb and ginger muffins made it onto the list. </p><p>Since they aimed for a warm autumn day, flavors of fall couldn't have been left out: apple cinnamon, pumpkin spice, ginger pear, butterscotch – and gingerbread, because Steve loved the taste, and Bucky loved making it for him. </p><p>The last category were the weird but fun ones: egg, potato and bacon breakfast muffins, spinach cream cheese muffins, zucchini muffins, lime and orange muffins and funfetti with cereal muffins.</p><p>Bucky added the wet ingredients to the dry mixes one batch at a time. Steve kept one eye on the temperature of the oven and how the baking was going, then it was his job to put the baked muffins into their boxes after they cooled and label the boxes so that the guests would find what they would want and could eat. </p><p>"I can't believe we're only done with two types," Steve said mid-morning, sweating profusely from the heat of the oven. </p><p>"I made enough so that even you couldn't eat them all before Saturday," Bucky said. "How's the top row?"</p><p>"Raised," Steve said, and obediently took them out.</p><p>Baking, obviously, wasn't the same as BDSM: for one thing, no intimate parts or bodily fluids were involved, <em>obviously</em>. It didn't involve any ropes or arousal, either, or Steve's beautiful collar – but it meant Bucky giving the orders and Steve following them without question or hesitation. It meant Bucky thinking for the both of them and making sure that Steve was okay, too (not eating too much raw dough, hydrating, the usual). It meant a mindset similar to sub-space and dom-space, for the both of them: unwound white fluff, focusing on small things, no worries, no anxiety, no questions too hard to answer.</p><p>Fewer words were spoken between them on Wednesday and Thursday than any time before. Bucky did most of the mixing and measuring, and Steve worked with the oven on Bucky's initiative and washed the dishes. They finished around midnight both days, feet aching and backs sore, but being more pleased with the results than words could express: not only did they have all the dough baked in cute, star-shaped forms, and those in nicely labeled boxes in the freezer, but had absolutely zero energy to panic about Saturday – and to do anything other than fall into bed after a hot shower.</p><p>On Friday, they did the frostings: not on every muffin as they were, again, trying to give as many options as possible for their friends, and most of them just plain vanilla or chocolate swirls on top. By that point even Bucky's metal arm was getting tired, but his brain turned to automatic mode the moment he stepped into the kitchen, which was the goal.</p><p>Steve made the mixes and Bucky piped them on top (after tasting them, just to make sure), and the muffins were back in the freezer just after four.</p><p>Steve stared at Bucky with splatters on his apron and unfocused eyes: waiting for the next command.</p><p>Bucky exhaled in relief as he realized that was it.</p><p>"Down, soldier," he said softly. "We're done."</p><p>Steve practically fell into his arms and knocked Bucky back to the freezer.</p><p>"Thank fuck," he mumbled into his shoulder.</p><p>"I won't cook for a week," Bucky agreed. "Hot bath?"</p><p>"Fuck yes," Steve said.</p><p>Since Steve was down to monosyllables and swears, Bucky took it upon himself to run the water, and then, of course, it was him who fell asleep snuggled against Steve in the huge, delightful tub. </p><p>He woke to being lifted up, patted down and carried into the bedroom. Steve did not climb in next to him, however; instead he sat, naked, on the side of the bed.</p><p>"This is our last night as an unwed couple," he said. </p><p>Bucky was too exhausted to let the anxiety of change flood his mind, so he reached out to take Steve's wrist.</p><p>Steve looked at him in surprise, then smiled. "Thanks for keeping me sane with the orders," he said.</p><p>"It kept both of us sane," Bucky said.</p><p>"Let me," Steve began, then just shook his head and climbed over Bucky's body.</p><p>It didn't take long for him to get Bucky's interest up: he'd had three years of practice, after all. He licked and sucked at Bucky's cock expertly, and Bucky even had enough energy to thrust his hips a few times before he came.</p><p>When Steve pressed himself flush against him, Bucky reached down and together, their hands brought Steve to a release as well.</p><p>"I love you," Steve whispered, eyes closed. </p><p>"I can't wait to be your husband," Bucky agreed, and before the next heartbeat, they were both asleep.</p><p> </p><p>But of course, at the crack of dawn, there was no falling back to sleep. The Sun was shining into the bedroom through the glass alcove, promising nice weather for the day and outglaring the fairy lights still up on the potted pine tree on the balcony. Bucky's mind started racing as soon as he opened his eyes, and when he turned, Steve's bright eyes greeted him, wide awake. </p><p>"Sleep or up?" Bucky whispered.</p><p>"Let's play some Dark Souls," Steve said, and so they huddled on the couch downstairs with coffee, and Bucky watched him play. </p><p>He loved being able to do this. The game wasn't for him, not really, but he loved how quickly Steve learned the tricks and mechanics and could just make the play seem so easy. Watching Steve play the game was much more entertaining than doing it himself. Steve would go on about the design and Bucky would join in with the political and historical implications, and before he knew, two hours had passed and the relentless buzzing in his brain quieted.</p><p>This was just another day. A day to wake up with his lover and spend his day with his lover and then go to sleep with his <em> …husband</em>. </p><p>Okay, so <em> almost </em> like every other day.</p><p>He laid his head on Steve's shoulder, who instinctively placed a kiss on his hair.</p><p>"Breakfast?"</p><p>"Yes please," Steve said, and Bucky chuckled.</p><p>They wandered into the kitchen, took one look at the eggs and saucepans, and then decided to try the breakfast muffins instead with some useless but lovely coffee. Then the day fully began. </p><p>Bucky washed his hair, then, while it was drying, helped trim Steve’s beard. He kept it thick and bushy but rounded the outline into an even length – longer than his own but giving a beautiful profile to Steve with the ear-length, styled hair. </p><p>Then Bucky had to sit down while Steve braided his hair. Not all of it, just the strands in the front so he wouldn't have hair in his face all day, giving Bucky almost a tiara of braids that flew in with his curls. Three thin braided strands from the front were tied to the back, then Steve then tucked a few hairpins with small, white flowers all over the braids. When Bucky looked into the mirror, for what felt like the first time in his life, he not only felt good-looking but genuinely <em> pretty</em>.</p><p>He ducked his head, blushing, and Steve kissed him again.</p><p>"You like it?"</p><p>"Love it," Bucky said. It was like a flower crown, ethereal and natural. "Love <em>you</em>."</p><p>"I've been dreaming about this since I was a kid," Steve said. "I never thought I'd survive, let alone that I would find someone who is so perfect for me. Or that I'd play videogames on the morning of my wedding, which didn't exist, or that I could get married to my love if I fell in love with a man. But Bucky, this is... this is <em> everything</em>."</p><p>Bucky didn't try to stifle the wet laugh that bubbled out of him.</p><p>"I get you," he said, patting his eyes. "I shouldn't even bother with make-up because I'm just gonna cry it off and look like a raccoon."</p><p>"I don't mind marrying a raccoon," Steve said, equally huskily.</p><p>Bucky snorted, but yeah – they had been through a lot together for some smudged make-up to stop them now. They both came out, bought a house, moved in... they were both comfortable with who they were as people. It felt like Bucky had known Steve all his life, and despite the occasional setbacks of their own stupidity, he never wanted to be with anybody else like this.</p><p>Steve only went with some foundation for himself because while Bucky definitely had a positive impact on his skincare, he couldn't get Steve into anything more fancy than some light evenness to add to his skin and even out the dark circles. Bucky had ditched the idea of going all-out: that was their night-out trick, after all, but there was no harm in some skin perfecting and black eyeliner.</p><p>When he leaned back from the mirror,  it was Bucky that looked back at him: not the Winter Soldier, not Yasha, not Barnes, but the person he made himself into; with all the contradictions of the beard and the braids and the black and the white. This was the man that was going to marry Steve, whose eyes found his reflection's, and who, somehow, looked even more gorgeous than ever before.</p><p> </p><p>Darcy's assistant took over loading the muffins out of the car at the Picnic House in Prospect Park so Bucky and Steve could explore the place for one last time before the ceremony.</p><p>It was... breathtaking. </p><p>Like any other wedding (based on Pinterest, anyway), the main elements were light fabrics, fairy lights and delicate flowers everywhere, making the brown brick of the house pop. (Brown, like their own townhouse, making it almost like an extension of their home.) But specific to <em> this </em> wedding were the golden accents, especially the golden stars: they hung from the ceiling as lampshades, names were printed on paper stars and then placed on the round tables to indicate the seating, and small reflective golden stars were placed everywhere Darcy could think of, thrown like confetti on the tablecloths and glued to the windows and glittering up the whole building.</p><p>"Wow," Steve breathed, and squeezed Bucky's hand. </p><p>"Yeah," Bucky agreed. </p><p>"Hey, nice hair!" Darcy said, skimming to a halt in front of them. </p><p>"Nice place," Bucky countered, and she grinned. </p><p>"We still need some final touches, but it's getting there," Darcy agreed. Behind her, a few people were putting some more fairy lights and strings of golden stars over the actual, <em> functional </em> mantelpiece. "Do you like it?" </p><p>"Yes," Bucky said. All those days, weeks, months spent sharing ideas and images and brainstorming back and forth paid off in the end. A townhouse wedding would have been good, but this was worth all the hassle.  Darcy was a true magician for pulling this off, making their dream come true without them even knowing they had this dream in the first place.  </p><p>"Absolutely," Steve said. "Thank you, Darcy, it's amazing."</p><p>"Good, 'cause we can't exactly go back and change things now," she said with a grin. "Catering's gonna load during the ceremony – speaking of: wanna see the outside?"</p><p>They did. South to the building, on the still green grass but under some already changing trees, were where Steve and Bucky would say their wows.</p><p>Bucky couldn't breathe. He couldn't– he couldn't believe– </p><p>Steve took a sharp breath next to him as he, too, saw the rows of seats on either side of a small path, the end of which had a wooden arch run over by blooming roses just being decorated with fabrics and flowers and stars; right out of one of Steve’s sketches.</p><p>"It's real," Steve whispered. "It really is happening."</p><p>Bucky laced his fingers into his, because, yeah. Yeah. He knew what Steve meant.</p><p>"I sure hope so," Darcy said. "The guests will start to arrive in an hour, so you need to get ready, chop-chop."</p><p> </p><p>They didn't need an hour to get into the finely pressed suits, including Bucky tying Steve's bow-tie and Steve tying Bucky's long tie. Steve had had to attend his fair share of formal events, so he said no to the classic three-piece suit. Bucky opted out of the vest, too, which left them with identical pairs of ivory pants, suits and white shirts, tailored to fit them perfectly, and the different types of light-gold ties set them apart just the right amount. </p><p>Steve fussed with his buttons while Bucky sprayed some more spray into his hair. The flowers complimented his suit even better than he had hoped, yet he couldn't keep his eyes away from Steve in the floor-length mirror– Steve, beautiful, smart, witty Steve, who he was lucky enough to marry, who was so much more confident in himself than when they met, whose transformation Bucky still was in awe of and honored to witness. </p><p>"Can I kiss you?" he asked.</p><p>"Of course," came Steve's easy reply, and Bucky let his emotions show through it, the way he pulled Steve close, tight; the way their mouths met, familiar and sweet like coming home.</p><p>"Oy," a voice said from the door. "Save that for the end of the ceremony."</p><p>They pulled apart, but still held onto each other. "Hey, Nat," Bucky smiled at her. "You look fabulous."</p><p>The grey chiffon dress with a blue belt suited her curled hair and complexion perfectly, and showed off her deadly muscles while concealing any weapons that she no doubt carried. They had also brought the shield and a case of Bucky's weapons, just in case, but the X-Men agreed to keep an eye on the rest of New York, and Prospect Park was swimming in superheroes. Darcy, Tony and Coulson all agreed that they were as safe as it could get.</p><p>"I have to be, next to you," she said, looking them up and down in approval. "I bought the boutonnieres."</p><p>White roses, like the ones in Bucky's hair, golden beads, like their ties, and really tiny blue flowers topped with a golden ribbon, to make their eyes pop– the boutonnieres were perfect, too. </p><p>She pinned the first one on Bucky, and Steve had tears in his eyes by the time she stepped back. She, however, just smiled at him indulgently, and got a tissue out of tin air. Bucky held onto his hand while Nat pinned the other boutonniere onto Steve's lapel.</p><p>"I'm glad I'm not seeing you at the altar for the first time today," Steve said hoarsely.  "I couldn't keep it together long enough to say 'I do'." </p><p>Nat pecked a kiss to his cheek. "You would," she said confidently. </p><p>"How y'all doing?" Sam asked from the door.</p><p>"Having a breakdown of joy every five minutes," Nat said.</p><p>"Nothing out of the order, then," Sam said, stepping closer. </p><p>His grey suit matched Nat's dress, and his blue tie fit in with the theme. Steve had complimented it when they went to pick the colors out, and they both looked damn fine. Shame that Bucky only had eyes for Steve, really, because he felt he didn’t appreciate the rest enough.</p><p>"I just love Bucky so much," Steve said, defensively, and Bucky hugged him close to help him calm down while he convinced his heart to stop melting and function properly, just for a little bit longer.</p><p>"We know," Sam said, and patted Steve's shoulder. "Everybody knows, trust me." </p><p>A good two minutes later, Bucky was ready to release Steve and face their entourage. </p><p>"You were spot on with the suits," Sam said appreciatively. "You two will be the center of attention for the best of reasons today."<br/><br/></p><p>Sam went out to usher the guests in, but Nat stayed behind to chat with them – a smart decision, given that they were way too antsy to stay calm. But she brought up how the Mets were doing, got into a heated debate about the understanding of a knitting pattern with Bucky, and then they spent some time gushing about a new Harley-model, and before they knew, it was time to walk down the aisle.</p><p>"Thanks, Nat," Steve said when they all stood up to face the music.</p><p>"You both look dashing, and not just because of the suits," she said, and she kissed first Steve's cheeks, then Bucky's. "You glow in each other’s presence. I'm honored to be your maid of honor." </p><p>"Thanks," Bucky whispered hoarsely.</p><p> </p><p>Sam was just about to walk out with Nat on her arm when Steve yanked him back and gave him the rings– the rings that he and Bucky had been wearing for a while now. Oops.</p><p>Then it was their turn to link their arms together and slowly step on the path that led towards the rose arch.</p><p>Everybody stood to watch them. Bucky recognized all of the guests, even Peter's classmates, even the Wakandans, even the plus ones, and what was more, he saw <em> joy </em> on their faces. These people came to share this moment with him and Steve and were so happy to see them. Some were wiping their eyes, and Bucky clung to Steve harder.</p><p>This was their family. Him and Steve were both out of place and time, but they built a home here and now.</p><p>Shuri's carpet was perfect under the arch: the gold sparkled as the wind blew the leaves above and sun shone through the foliage, and the dark blue brought the whole look together with the white and gold and blue flowers on the flower arch. Bucky couldn’t have asked for anything better.</p><p>Then they were stepping on it and facing each other in front of the representative. </p><p>The Sun was dancing on Steve's face, bringing the gold out in his hair and beard, making him look regal. Bucky didn't know how he looked, but Steve's eyes were misty as he blinked at him.</p><p>"Dearly beloved, we have gathered here today to witness the wondrous union of Steven Rogers and James Barnes..." the representative began, and Bucky couldn't swallow. </p><p>Wondrous union. He had never heard more beautiful words, except for maybe when Steve told him he loved him. </p><p>He wanted to hold Steve's hand, but he couldn't just yet. But this would be the last time to be separate from him.</p><p>The representative said a few words about love and loyalty, and Bucky would watch the video back and understand it, but now all his focus was waiting for his cue instead of registering the preliminaries.</p><p>"Are you, Steven Grant Rogers, free lawfully to marry James Buchanan Barnes?”</p><p>"I am," Steve replied, voice commanding,shoulders straight. "I swear to love him as I have; to support him, cherish him and comfort him; to share my joy and my sorrow, for better, for worse;  in sickness and in health; and to be faithful to you alone, until the end of the line."</p><p>Sam stepped up and Steve took one ring, which he quickly put back to pick up the one that would fit on Bucky's left hand. Bucky and Sam chuckled, and Steve was red as a beet, but eventually, the right ring went on the right finger, and Bucky felt his nerves calm with the touch of the metal.</p><p>"Are you, James Buchanan Barnes, free lawfully to marry Steven Grant Rogers?”</p><p>"I am." Bucky took a deep breath, and said his vows. "I swear to love him as I have; to follow him wherever he leads; to support and protect him; for better, for worse; for richer, for poorer; in sickness and in health; and to be faithful to you alone, until the end of the line."</p><p>He took the other ring and slid it onto Steve's finger, and to hell with it: they held onto each other’s hands like the smitten idiots they were.</p><p>"I now pronounce you, Steven Grant Barnes-Rogers and James Buchanan Barnes-Rogers, husband and husband. May your marriage be a merry and joyous one. You may now kiss."</p><p>Bucky's heart thundered as he stepped forward, and Steve let go of his hand in order to clutch at his lapel as they shared their first kiss as husbands to the cheering and roaring clapping of the guests.</p>
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<a name="section0013"><h2>13. shade never made anybody less gay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 13: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/6RRNNciQGZEXnqk8SQ9yv5?si=f669d9120eb04830">You Need To Calm Down</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
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  <em> And I ain't trying mess with your self-expression </em>
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  <em> But I've learned the lesson that stressing </em>
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  <em> And obsessing about somebody else is no fun </em>
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  <p>ROGERS AND BARNES WED – celebrity marriage of the decade</p>
  <p>This Saturday Steve Rogers and James Barnes tied the knot in Prospect Park during a small yet heavily anticipated ceremony.</p>
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  <p>James Barnes, widely known as the Winter Soldier, joined the Avengers a little over three years ago after working for Russia as a special agent, for which he received a lot of criticism. The disapproval turned to outright animosity when, some months later, pictures showed him in a queer establishment, and he was forced to come out. </p>
  <p>Earlier this year it was revealed that during that time, he has been dating Steve Rogers alias Captain America.</p>
  <p>Rogers came out about his sexuality in an interview with Dave Troy in what some have called a power move: he not only revealed to be attracted to men as well as women, he also announced that he had moved in and was planning the wedding with his fiancé – who happened to be none other than Barnes. </p>
  <p>The couple had kept all previous appearances professional, but as some fans pointed out, they had a social media history dating back to Barnes's outing. The last few months had seen them holding hands from time to time, let that be in a grocery store or at a baseball game, but nothing more overt than that. The most blatant display of their relationship had been the matching black engagement rings on their fingers, and their appearance at the NYC Pride Parade, where they were walking hand in hand in the crowd.</p>
  <p>All that changed this Saturday when they showed up at the Picnic House in Prospect Park, dressed in white suits with golden ties, to walk down the aisle together.</p>
  <p>The press was not invited to the wedding, but their emotions are easy to read from the pictures the newlyweds and the guests uploaded afterwards. Rogers is usually somber in photos, or at the very least, he rarely grins; however, on the big day, he couldn't stop smiling. Barnes matched his attitude, his whole face lighting up when he looked at Rogers. </p>
  <p>By celebrity standards, the event was on the restrained side, special guests notwithstanding. The small gathering of Avengers and friends, including the Princess of Wakanda (the country had declared support for Barnes after his outing by gifting a new prosthetic arm to him), were definitely noteworthy, but any ordinary couple could have said their vows under a charming cottage-esque flower arch in the garden.</p>
  <p>However, their wedding is historical: they are the first superheroes who are openly married, which signifies a great step for the LGBT+ community. Whoever else comes out or gets married next (the public has been hoping for a Tony Stark-Pepper Potts engagement based on recent polls), it is certain nothing will carry the same weight as the Barnes-Rogers union. </p>
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<p>A montage of their wedding pictures was now framed on their living room shelf, right at eye level. Steve remembered his vows, but after that, everything became a haze of light and laughter - his cheeks hurt from laughing all the time, he stepped on Bucky's feet during the first dance, they ate so much they almost threw up, and then, at about 4AM, one of Tony's chauffeurs took them home only for them to fall asleep with half of their clothes and make-up still on. </p>
<p>It would've been the best day of his life, except every day was the best with Bucky.</p>
<p>That was something he could never make the rest of the world see, although the positive articles did help - Bucky even put some up on the fridge to annoy Tony.</p>
<p>"Wedding of the decade," he said. "We're more famous than you!"</p>
<p>Tony rolled his eyes and pretended he didn't care, and Steve couldn't hide his grin because he knew better.</p>
<p>They were there, however, for more than to rile Tony up: Bucky, but mostly Steve needed the reminder that there were a lot of people out there who saw their happiness, even without knowing them. Because there were a lot of people out there who also didn't know them, yet wished the worst for them and their kin. </p>
<p>Steve did not unmute his notifications, and in fact found himself doomscrolling less and less. In what Gillian called ‘relapses of masochism’, he sometimes still couldn’t say no to his curiosity and spent some time browsing Avengers-related articles and tweets, but those were fewer and further in between.</p>
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<p>Tweet by @FoxNews: @realmillner from Alliance for Traditional Family and Parenting launches campaign to remove Captain America and Winter Soldier from the Avengers saying "today's youth needs role models with stable morals".</p>
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<p>Tweet by @BuzzFeed: Is Jane Foster mad that she isn't the first to get hitched to an #Avenger? – insider speaks out!</p>
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<p>Tweet by @FoxNews: Rep. @senatorsmith says Captain America can't legally change his name.</p>
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<p>Tweet by @lgbtalliiee: online activism isn't real activism. what has Rogers done to actually help the community?</p>
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<p>Marriage changed nothing, yet everything became fundamentally different. Steve himself didn’t even notice the difference until Sam came to celebrate Thanksgiving with the team. </p>
<p>"Man, I've never seen you so relaxed," he told Steve around midnight, himself a little tipsy, and Steve blinked at him in confusion.</p>
<p>"What do you mean?"</p>
<p>"When I met you, you were carrying the world on your shoulders," Sam said. "Now it's hard to believe that was the same man."</p>
<p>Steve's eyes immediately found Bucky, and he smiled. </p>
<p>"A lot's changed since then." </p>
<p>"For the better," Sam said, and they drank to that.</p>
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<p>In therapy, Steve asked Gillian about her thoughts on the matter.</p>
<p>"I agree with your friend, you <em> are </em> more balanced than before," she said, and the rest of the group nodded.</p>
<p>"I remember when you broke a punching bag," Shaun grinned. </p>
<p>"When you came here, I thought nobody would believe me if I told them Cap bottled everything up even more than me," Brad nodded along.</p>
<p>Steve rubbed his neck, embarrassed. "I still feel like I can get angry enough to do that. Especially when I go through my feed."</p>
<p>"There's a difference between your general stress-levels being high versus momentary spikes," Gillian said. “How do you remember the time when you and James decided to ease your coming out via online interactions?”</p>
<p>Steve stared at her for a moment before being able to answer. “I used to be on Twitter all the time and fight,” he admitted. “Now I don’t… I don’t really do that. As much.”</p>
<p>The others laughed. With Steve, the keyword was usually ‘as much’. </p>
<p>“You may note other changes too, if you look closely,” Giliain said before moving on to Amy.</p>
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<p>Steve did what he usually had to when he wanted to clear his mind and see things better, and he retreated to his studio. </p>
<p>It felt much more homely than his old one – maybe because Bucky's cooking lingered all throughout the house, or maybe because their shared tartans and pillows decorated the couch pushed against the long wall. Either way, he put a new canvas onto one of his easels and let muscle memory carry him away. </p>
<p>Amanda joined him and did her typical 8-figures around his legs, and Steve automatically bent down to scratch behind her ears. She let out a happy purr and settled against his skin. </p>
<p>This was home. Their own, where nobody could tell them what to do, and Steve had indeed never felt more free.</p>
<p>There was no Cap in here, and the outside world couldn't see in. Nobody had to know that the Black Widow slept over on their couch after long missions before heading to her girlfriend. Nobody had to know that Bucky helped Peter with mechanics whenever Tony wasn't available at their dining table. Nobody had to know how they lived and what they did.</p>
<p>Steve had always tried not to care about other people, and he had prided himself on focusing on right and wrong. But when that right or wrong involved his own life, that fell out the window – until now. </p>
<p>As a child, or even as a soldier during WWII, he had never even had the courage to dream about something like this. To live in peace with his partner, his <em> husband</em>, to be healthy and have everything they needed right where they were.</p>
<p>He blinked, and focused back on the present, surprised to see light blues, soft pinks and whites mixed in a fluffy cloud on his canvas. </p>
<p>He had been afraid of so many things, the brave Captain. Never being able to show who he was, to live like who he was – now the only fear remaining was that he would wake up, just like before, and find that this was all a dream. </p>
<p>But maybe regular people, people who hadn't jumped a century by being frozen in ice, also felt that fear. Maybe it just meant that Sam and Gillian and the others were right. Love was exhilarating, and freeing, and terrifying, and the best thing to ever happen to someone.</p>
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<p>"Oh my God," Bucky laughed out loud on a cold December morning. Steve raised an eyebrow at him over his hot tea, but Bucky was laughing so hard he couldn't speak. Instead he held his phone up for Steve to see.</p>
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<p>Tweet by @johnslife85: Cap and WS being married is clearly a hoax. it's just as unrealistic as if Magneto and Prof X got hitched.</p>
<p>Steve didn't even know where to begin. </p>
<p>"How even–"</p>
<p>"Peter found it," Bucky said, finally getting himself together. </p>
<p>"What even."</p>
<p>"I know!" He grinned, his cheeks flushed from mirth. "Imagine if they <em> knew </em>!" </p>
<p>Steve shook his head, still beyond words.</p>
<p>"Oh, man, I can't wait for them to come out too. Imagine a tweet you made at the crack of dawn backfiring so badly."</p>
<p>"Why are people so fixated on us," Steve sighed. </p>
<p>"We did kinda ripple the water a bit," Bucky reminded him. "But we'll just prove them wrong by living a long and happy marriage."</p>
<p>Steve chewed on his lower lip, and Bucky, of course, noticed. He nudged Steve under the table, then put his toast down to give more weight to his stare. </p>
<p>"Out with it, Barnes-Rogers."</p>
<p><em> That </em> hadn't lost its novelty, and Steve ducked his head with a smile.</p>
<p>"I don't want to prove them wrong."</p>
<p>To that, both of Bucky's eyebrows disappeared under his unruly hairline. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry, what?" He said dryly. "Who are you, and what have you done with my husband?"</p>
<p>"I'm serious," Steve laughed, and nudged Bucky's leg back. "We've done our part, we're famous open members of a minority or two, and I don't care about what people think about us. The only one I want to prove myself to is me, and you–"</p>
<p>"–you've already proven yourself to me," Bucky said softly.</p>
<p>"–and I've already proven myself to you," Steve repeated. "Or so you keep saying."</p>
<p>"No way can you not speak up when you see injustice, though."</p>
<p>"That's different. That's about something else, and of course I'll speak up and help certain voices be heard over the rest. But when it's us, I'm... done with this." </p>
<p>There was a smudge of guilt underneath his declaration, but with time, that shall be gone, too. He was no longer focused on how the world reacted to them, momentary spikes aside, and his mental health got all the better for it. Gillian, and Sam, and Bucky, and everybody was right: he could only keep on fighting if he himself was taking care of himself. If he answered less tweets; so be it. </p>
<p>The time he spent off Twitter this year helped put things into a different perspective.</p>
<p>"No, seriously, who are you?" Bucky asked, with less teasing and more pride.</p>
<p>"Someone who realized that not everything is as important as I had thought," Steve said, and when Bucky reached out, he squeezed his hand. </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Bucky made a show of turning their phones off, and Steve swallowed, heart rate already picking up. Bucky was amazing at these little rituals that signaled what was about to happen, and therefore turning the most innocent of acts into foreplay. </p>
<p>"Bedroom," Bucky said, and Steve was in the middle of the bed in a heartbeat. </p>
<p>Bucky came up to him and kissed him fully, slowly. </p>
<p>"How are you feeling?" </p>
<p>"Green," Steve said, chasing Bucky's mouth. </p>
<p>"Good," Bucky indulged in another kiss, and opened Steve's bedside drawer to pick out his collar. </p>
<p>Steve swallowed again as the soft, padded leather closed around his neck. There was nothing to worry or think about from there on, only Bucky, Bucky's hands, Bucky's mind, and Steve closed his eyes and tilted his head back so Bucky could kiss the skin around the collar. </p>
<p>"Good boy," Bucky praised, and lifted Steve's arms to get his shirt off. He made good use of the freshly exposed skin and Steve squirmed under his mouth. Bucky sucked hickeys along his ribcage, teethed his nipples, scratched his skin up, making him moan. Steve ran his hands up and down Bucky's arms and torso, even tangled them in his hair, because there was nothing better on Earth than touching Bucky and being touched by Bucky. </p>
<p>He was already getting hard, and they were only just beginning.</p>
<p>Noticing, Bucky pulled back with a grin, pupils wide and dark.</p>
<p>"Color?"</p>
<p>"Green," Steve breathed. </p>
<p>"Mmm," Bucky said, and between this breath and the next he undid Steve's pants and slid them off his hips, throwing them carelessly on the floor.</p>
<p>Somehow that was the hottest thing Steve'd ever seen, and to prove it, his boxers outlined his very interested dick. </p>
<p>Bucky lifted an eyebrow while Steve lifted his hips to help him, but instead of taking his boxers off, Bucky pushed him back on the bed.</p>
<p>"Nuh-huh, this is my show, pal," Bucky said, and then put his mouth on Steve's dick.</p>
<p>Through the fabric.</p>
<p>Steve whined and would've thrust up, but Bucky put all his weight on his hips. There was nothing to do but taking it, taking the sweet, scratchy, moist pressure at the tip of his dick, the small movements, the tender licks. Steve grabbed Bucky's hair to have something to hold onto and arched his back, and pleasure was already building up in him, warming his belly and making his toes curl–</p>
<p>He couldn't stop the moan escaping him when Bucky swallowed a bit more of him, making the boxers cut into his flesh at the waist. But that was sweet, wonderful too, and his legs tightened around Bucky–</p>
<p>And then Bucky pulled off. </p>
<p>Steve whined and Bucky smiled at him. "I have other plans," he promised. "Don't touch yourself and wait for me here."</p>
<p>Steve grabbed the sheet, half in frustration and half in anticipation, and closed his eyes. He heard Bucky rummaging around the room, and from the sounds he knew that it was their sex supplies he was after. <em> That </em> just made him harder, the wet fabric creating even more, gentle friction on his dick, and he huffed out a breath. </p>
<p>The mattress dipped under Bucky's weight. "There's a good boy," Bucky praised, and gave him a short kiss before nudging Steve's legs to get them bent at the knee.</p>
<p>"Lift your hips," Bucky instructed, and the boxers were gone in a second. </p>
<p>The cold air was better and worse, and Steve whined. </p>
<p>"Please," he said. </p>
<p>"Please what?" Bucky asked conversationally.</p>
<p>"Fuck me?" Steve asked. </p>
<p>"Oh, so it's not my mouth you want," Bucky teased, and Steve whined again when Bucky drew the tip of his finger along Steve's shaft. "Interesting."</p>
<p>"Suck me, blow me, please–"</p>
<p>"No, I don't think so," Bucky said, and his finger wondered lower, lower.</p>
<p>It entered him without any resistance, and Steve let out some air, because finally–</p>
<p>He couldn't not notice, however, that this wasn't the end, this was just the means to get there, because Bucky worked him open quickly and efficiently. Steve squirmed and moaned, sure, and held onto Bucky's shoulder to prevent touching himself, but it meant Bucky had something else in mind.</p>
<p>Sweat began running down Steve's hairline.</p>
<p>Then Bucky withdrew his fingers, and by the time Steve looked up, he was already lubing up a dildo. </p>
<p>"Spread," Bucky instructed, and he didn't need to say twice: Steve spread his legs so wide his feet dangled off the mattress.</p>
<p>Bucky chuckled, and pressed the tip of the dildo inside– firm, cold, but so, so good, and Steve threw his head back and moaned when Bucky rotated it, pulled it back, pushed further in–</p>
<p>He was coated in a fine layer of sweat and the sheets were tangled under him when Bucky finally left it in, and he needed a moment to realize the loud panting was coming from him. </p>
<p>His dick was arching up, red and aching, but Bucky ignored it.</p>
<p>"Good job, baby," he said, and pushed the wet strands out of Steve's eyes. "You're doing so well."</p>
<p>Steve grabbed at him, and Bucky leaned down to kiss him. Steve unconsciously arched up, shifting the dildo. </p>
<p>"Aaaah," he moaned.</p>
<p>"Mhm," Bucky agreed, then grabbed the ropes.</p>
<p>Steve had no idea how he survived when Bucky tied his legs into individual claws. Even the tiniest shift made the dildo move in him, and he clenched down, wanting more – and Bucky deliberately had the free ends of the rope he was working with slide along his dick, and Steve was going mad. </p>
<p>"Please, please, please, please–" he began to chant.</p>
<p>"But we barely started," Bucky said with barely looking up. </p>
<p>An eternity later, Steve's legs were tied into a position that left him absolutely open and vulnerable, his dick harder than ever. </p>
<p>"Sit up for me, baby," Bucky asked, and had to give Steve a hand, he was shaking so hard.</p>
<p>Steve had to rest his forehead at Bucky's shoulder to catch his breath; the motion drove the dildo further in, and there was no way he would survive this. </p>
<p>"You can do it," Bucky whispered into his ear. "You can not come until I tell you to do so, okay?"</p>
<p>Steve nodded, beyond anything more coherent. </p>
<p>"Good boy," Bucky praised.</p>
<p>Steve held onto him as much as he could while Bucky tied a strict harness around his chest. It was tighter than usual, biting into his skin, making every intake of breath burn a little, and the new sensation – combined with his legs also restricted – took some of his mind off of his dick. </p>
<p>Bucky checked the circulation, then lowered Steve back down.</p>
<p>"Look at you," he murmured, and Steve looked up at him with bleary eyes. "So beautiful – only your hands and your dick free, hm?"</p>
<p>Steve squeezed his hand in return, and got a kiss as a reward.</p>
<p>"Almost," Bucky promised, then guided Steve's hands up. "Your lovely hands are distracting, doll."</p>
<p>So Steve had no choice but to let Bucky tie his hands down too, and anchor them to the wrought iron bedframe, spread eagle style.</p>
<p>"How are you feeling?" </p>
<p>Steve came back to himself enough to take check of the situation.</p>
<p>His legs were tied up and wide, leaving him exposed. His chest was covered in ropes that scratched and tightened with each new breath and doubtlessly left indents on his back from his own weight. And he couldn't move his hands, only his head.</p>
<p>Oh, and he still had a dildo pressing inside.</p>
<p>"Green," he rasped. "Bucky–"</p>
<p>"Good, baby, so good," Bucky said, and straddled him.</p>
<p>He didn't touch his dick, but his weight pressed the ropes even more, and Steve keened.</p>
<p>"So good for me," Bucky said, and with his nails he began to scratch down the ropes.</p>
<p>There was absolutely no escape. The most Steve could do was open and close his legs, but that just shifted the dildo, and he couldn't even regulate his breathing to maybe help with the friction on his chest. There was Bucky everywhere, and Steve wanted more, to arch up to him, but the everything was just too much, and–</p>
<p>And then he let out a surprised shout when the dildo began to vibrate inside. </p>
<p>"No-o," he whined.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry, what was that?" Bucky asked conversationally.</p>
<p>"No, I, aaah, please–"</p>
<p>"Please what?"</p>
<p>His dick got <em> hard </em>, harder than before, and Steve could've come without any extra help. He wanted to come. He needed to–</p>
<p>"Please let me come," he whispered, and he couldn't decide if the moisture running down his face was sweat or his tears. "Please let me, Bucky–"</p>
<p>"One moment," Bucky said softly, and kissed his eyelids. "Do you want to come now, without anything touching your dick, or do you want to wait while I prep myself and ride you?"</p>
<p>The choice was impossible. Steve wanted both, desperately, and it was completely unfair for Bucky to give him any choice when he was already out of his mind–</p>
<p>But as he looked up, some clarity hit him. Bucky was sweaty, too, hair falling out of his bun into his eyes, pupils engulfing his irises. </p>
<p>Steve could be good for him.</p>
<p>"You," Steve rasped. "Wait. You."</p>
<p>"Okay," Bucky kissed him, and threw his shirt then his pants off in two fluid motions.</p>
<p>He was already hard, and Steve knew he'd made the right choice. </p>
<p>Bucky was a sight, no matter what he was wearing, but especially naked: his muscles on display, moving under beautiful skin, his hands strong, light glinting on the metal and gold.</p>
<p>He prepped himself quickly, with a generous amount of lube, and Steve had to keep clenching down on the still vibrating devilish device to hold on.</p>
<p>He could do this. He <em> could</em>.</p>
<p>"H-hurry," Steve stuttered.</p>
<p>"I know you can do this for me," Bucky said, reading his mind, and then he was on top of Steve again.</p>
<p>The dildo did not stop vibrating as he lowered himself onto Steve, who had to use every trick he knew how to hold back. The warm, wet heat was just what he'd been craving, and the ropes were still burning on his skin, and there was no air in the room–</p>
<p>Then Bucky rolled his hips, and someone was shouting–</p>
<p>Steve was shouting–</p>
<p>"Good boy, darling, baby, husband," Bucky croaked into his ear, he himself stuttering. "Come, you can come, come for me."</p>
<p>He didn't need to say more. Steve let go, and fireworks, swelling music, nothing could have described the feeling of <em> this </em>. Bucky covered his body as Steve shook in his release, breathing labored, control nonexistent.</p>
<p>Bucky stopped the dildo just as it was becoming uncomfortable, and Steve blinked up at him bonelessly. </p>
<p>"I wanted to fuck you myself," Bucky whispered, caressing his face.</p>
<p>Steve needed to swallow twice before he could speak. "You can," he managed.</p>
<p>"Not too much?" </p>
<p>Steve shook his head. </p>
<p>"Okay," Bucky said, and pulled off. Come was dripping from him, and Steve's dick, and it was the best sight in the world. </p>
<p>The now uncomfortably firm dildo left Steve's body with a sigh, and was replaced by the very alive, very warm and hard dick of Bucky's.</p>
<p>Steve closed his eyes and let the new wave of slow heat wash over him. Bucky leaned down to kiss him; his mouth, and Steve reciprocated; his chin, his temple, his neck. He wasn't thrusting in, only rolling his hips, but it was enough for pleasure to start building in Steve again.</p>
<p>"I can," Steve said, but couldn't finish.</p>
<p>Bucky read his mind again, and squirted some lube into his palm, and began gently stroking Steve's dick.</p>
<p>Worshipping him, it felt like. Even though Steve was being tied up and down and could hardly move, this was for him.</p>
<p>"Alm-most," Bucky stuttered, and so did his hips. Steve clenched down, and Bucky came in him with a groan, and as he unconsciously tightened his grip on Steve's dick, Steve followed with some empty pulses.</p>
<p>Bucky pulled out and then laid himself across Steve, panting heavily.</p>
<p>Steve wanted to pat his back, but couldn't, and the thought made him chuckle.</p>
<p>"Hm?" Bucky asked. "Good?"</p>
<p>"Good," Steve agreed, and let himself fade to black, certain in the knowledge that Bucky would take care of him in a moment – and Bucky did. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @realsteverogers: [Photo of a snowy street in Brooklyn]</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Tweet by @JBarnes: [Photo of cups of hot chocolate and a sandwich] @realsteverogers you can warm up when you get home</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Early into January the weather forecast promised nothing but record colds, wind, and snow. </p>
<p>"How about now?" Bucky asked, and Steve nodded. </p>
<p>"We're going on honeymoon," Steve announced to Coulson, and then, some time later, to Sam too. </p>
<p>"Do I take it that's 'call if only the world is ending'?" Coulson asked. </p>
<p>"About damn time," Sam said. </p>
<p>Steve's answer was an empathetic 'yes' to both.</p>
<p>But it had been a good idea to wait until New York had nothing to offer but greyness and gloom and <em> then </em> warm up somewhere else, and the wait wasn't even that long when every day felt like a dream with Bucky. </p>
<p>So they dressed in warm knitwear and long coats, but packed only light cargos and short sleeves, and headed for Wakanda.</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>It wasn't their first return since that Winter, the one that changed everything for them. They visited whenever they could, let that be for Shuri's private birthday party or official business, even if they had to gently manipulate SHIELD to send them together, but they never stayed for long. The world, or at the very least, New York almost always needed saving, and Captain America couldn't not be front and center of the Avengers. </p>
<p>But it was finally, <em> finally </em> time to go back to the farm that housed them that very first time, three years ago. </p>
<p>More "American-style" houses have been built around it as part of the educational outreach program, and Shuri had explained that people who they thought would benefit from being in Wakanda the most had been invited to stay there. Even so, the house was almost how they'd left it. The rugs looked newer, so maybe they had been changed out, and the couch was turned the other way and had a new cover, and that was about all of it. </p>
<p>Amanda, of course, took a beeline under the couch and refused to move. </p>
<p>"Wow," Bucky said, looking around the kitchen, then the bedroom. </p>
<p>"Home sweet home?" Steve asked.</p>
<p>"That's not here," Bucky said, and smiled. "Although you are here, but I just mean... so much has changed."</p>
<p>"Really?" Steve looked around – maybe he just didn't notice. </p>
<p>"I mean with us," Bucky said with a fond eyeroll. "I know it's the same place, but that's just making it so much more jarring. We're not who we were the last time we were here."</p>
<p>"Right," Steve said, sitting down on a chair.</p>
<p>"We're better," Bucky added, and Steve nodded.</p>
<p>"We're better. We're good."</p>
<p>"The best," Bucky said, and sat down onto Steve's lap to kiss him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The last time they'd been here, they had done so much. Bucky had gotten a new arm, they'd played around with the shield in Shuri's lab, they'd helped with the goats and the farm, and so they planned to be equally productive upon returning. Bucky brought his knitting things and Steve his art supplies, and they also had a list of places they wanted to visit with Anneka and projects to research with (meaning: marvel at) with Shuri. </p>
<p>The reality of the situation was, however, that this was one of the rare times when neither of them would be called on a mission in the middle of a date or a lazy Sunday afternoon. Their friends wouldn't drop in with a sudden idea, nothing urgent would come up, and as long as they stayed away from social media (which proved to be surprisingly easy) they were able to just <em> exist </em>. Peacefully, quietly. </p>
<p>The clean Wakandan air, full of oxygen, may have been responsible for making them tired; or it was the stress that they suddenly didn’t have to deal with. Either way, they weren’t complaining.</p>
<p>Bucky did knit some and Steve did paint, and they listened to some new musicals together which then they later gushed about to the Avengers. But they also slept until noon, then, after a quick breakfast, went back to bed to cuddle and watch a movie or two. They met Anneka and cooked for her one evening and spent copious amounts of alcohol when they stayed up until midnight, talking. They also visited Shuri in her lab, once, but they didn't stay long because she was way too preoccupied by whatever she was working on – with none other than Peter on a vidscreen, which had them both grinning afterwards.</p>
<p>"Kids these days," Bucky said fondly, and Steve chuckled.</p>
<p>For the most part, it was just them, in the big bed with Amanda, a game or a movie or some music, relaxing on vacation. Not an escape, but a retreat, and a much deserved one at that. </p>
<p>"We should do this more often," Bucky said the fourth day.</p>
<p>"What?" Steve asked.</p>
<p>"Nothing," Bucky said. "Do nothing."</p>
<p>"Yeah," Steve agreed. </p>
<p>"And each other," Bucky added, and for the day, that was the plan.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The one notable development in their two-week long honeymoon was that as Steve settled into his bones more comfortably, he was able to finalize the concept for his – <em> their </em> – new suits. </p>
<p>Steve's was similar to the one that Bucky complimented once before Halloween, when Steve's motivations were rage and disappointment. This time, however, he was just ready for a change. In this new century he'd felt like he'd been chained by Cap, set in stone, almost, and definitely too hesitant – afraid? unsure? – to alter the status quo. </p>
<p>But he then got married, to the love of his life (he'd never get tired of saying that, no); so maybe it was time for Cap to change with the times as well. </p>
<p>So while the new suit gave a nod to the classical one with the navy blue base material and the two red stripes running down along the sides, it took a step towards the future as well. The white star in the chest had no circle around it but three stripes that went across the chest and the shoulders, perpendicular to the red ones, and on the shoulders they did form a circle to center the SHIELD insignia on the right shoulder and a golden star on the left.</p>
<p>Bucky's new jacket incorporated the horizontal stripes of his black tactical vest, but instead of leather, it was made from the same navy Kevlar-blend that Steve's was. Upon Bucky's request, the trousers softened from black to a dark brown: maybe less intimidating, but better fitting his kind heart. And on his left metal shoulder, a golden star, uncovered, bright. </p>
<p>To complete the ensembles and make everything come together, Steve gave them both brown utility belts and gloves, and even added some golden detailing to the ends of the horizontal stripes on Bucky's jacket.</p>
<p>Once he and Bucky had agreed that this was as good as they could get it, he sent the images to SHIELD to get them started on the new suits. </p>
<p>"New outlook for the new era," Bucky said, and Steve couldn't have agreed more.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. I get mystified by how this city screams your name</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 14: <a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/12M5uqx0ZuwkpLp5rJim1a?si=9137462946d04d35"><em>Cornelia Street</em></a></p>
<p>Corresponds to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840105/chapters/42519089#workskin"><em>Reputation</em> chapter 9.</a> Standard TWS warnings of past trauma apply.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Barefoot in the kitchen </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> Sacred new beginning </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em> That became my religion, listen </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>The door to the rooftop of the building was boarded with huge KEEP OUT and AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY signs, but Bucky ignored those without a second thought. He would come up here whenever he needed to clear his head or just to see the world in a different light, and he knew that Clint and Kate did too. Safe haven thought his apartment became to him, sometimes it was too familiar; almost crowding. </p>
<p>Sometimes he took one of his journals up with him. He used to use those regularly, writing everything down that came to him during his recovery so his memories wouldn't be stolen again. Now he only wrote down big dilemmas, to weigh and feel them better, and although he could've used a notebook now, he didn't want to admit his question, not even to the paper. So he just enjoyed the cold air, the fresh, rainy scent of autumn, and the solitude.</p>
<p>The street remained busy down below, like most in New York. People hurried, huddled under heavy cloaks and keeping their head down, only visible on the concrete by breaking up the reflection of the yellow lights. The cars splashed water everywhere, their headlights shining like tiny fairy lights. </p>
<p>This was maybe the only part of the city that Steve hadn't touched yet.</p>
<p>Bucky felt so alien there, lurking on the rooftop when the floor was still wet after the drizzle, separated from the world by more than simple distance.</p>
<p>Aziz had told him that it was normal, how he felt. How he feared. Because he <em> was </em> terrified; dread gripped his heart, the kind he'd forgotten about if he'd ever even felt it. </p>
<p>Before, in Russia, he had had nothing that he could've lost. When he'd been recovering in Wakanda he'd been afraid of losing himself. Now, though, it was the thought of losing Steve that chased him up the roof. </p>
<p>Losing Steve and maybe everything else with him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Gone were the days of believing that Steve would just... leave. That he was just toying with Bucky, taking a gamble, like... well. But Steve had proven time and time again that he was cut from a different cloth. No matter how much Bucky tested him, Steve kept coming back. Even after Halloween, when Bucky was <em> certain </em> Steve was letting him down, and was ready to disappear, Steve came after him. </p>
<p>Steve kept coming after him. </p>
<p>And they began to experience the city together. Secret cafés, dark bars, even a disco or two: whatever Bucky suggested, Steve was ready to try. He said yes to the make-up, to the skinny jeans, to Bucky's tops, and he began to smile at Bucky in a way that melted Bucky's heart.</p>
<p>That was why Bucky had been so reluctant to let Steve in, because Steve'd always had the power to destroy him, one way or another.</p>
<p>The fact that he was ready to stay was just as overwhelming as everything else about him. </p>
<p>It no longer caused the kind of horrible anxiety-filled days like the one immediately after Steve invited him over. That was Bucky’s lowest in a long time. But it made old questions resurface in Bucky’s mind: how much did he forgive himself? How much did he <em> love </em> himself? </p>
<p>Aziz told him that while it wasn’t true that you couldn’t love others unless you loved yourself, he also said that you couldn’t <em> accept </em> that others loved you unless you loved yourself. And, up until Steve, he had thought that he’d came to terms with his past and himself.  </p>
<p>But was Bucky up for accepting the kind of love Steve had to offer, bright and fierce and scorching like the Sun? </p>
<p>It was the kind of love that changed the world, and it already changed Bucky’s. Slowly the city transformed in front of his eyes: a corner five streets down became where Steve picked him up once. He recognized a bench as the one that Steve kissed him at in the middle of the night, when nobody was around. He'd drink whiskey and taste Steve on his lips instead. </p>
<p>Everything about New York, especially Brooklyn, began to carry Steve's touch in Bucky's heart. </p>
<p>Bucky was surprised Steve hadn't found out just by way of elimination about where Bucky lived as his was the only street Bucky consistently made them avoid. Then again, Steve could be delightfully dim-witted at times – and considerate. He had never, to Bucky's best knowledge, looked at his file. </p>
<p>Which brought him back to his current problem. </p>
<p>No, Steve wouldn't leave Bucky – unless Bucky made him leave. </p>
<p>And he'd take all of New York with him. </p>
<p><br/>
<br/>
</p>
<p>“I’d like to take you somewhere," Bucky said one night, then, to Steve's specifying question, “You’ll see.”</p>
<p>And Steve didn't ask anything else, just arrived as expected, and in a disguise straight out of Bucky's book: skin-tight denim, an expensive looking, knitted cream sweater, a hipster scarf. Like a trendy member of the elite, and unlike Captain America, but damn, he looked delicious enough that Bucky almost forgot about his nerves. </p>
<p>Almost.</p>
<p>"I wanted to show you my private apartment," he said when he opened his door.</p>
<p>He shouldn't have been surprised by anything that Steve did, because the only consistency with Steve was his ability to surprise Bucky. Yet, him focusing on Bucky living in Brooklyn managed to do just that, and Bucky had to count to three to be able to breathe again.</p>
<p>"That’s your main takeaway?" Not the low-maintenance stairs, the neighborhood, or why Bucky was doing this only now, and so secretively?</p>
<p>But of course the location mattered to Steve, a Brooklynite through and through. </p>
<p>The anxiety came crashing back at seeing Steve in his place, stepping around carefully on the Wakandan rugs, stance alert in the new environment but his eyes curious and sharp. He said nothing, and Bucky wished he could read minds – certain though he was that Steve wasn't judging, but how much was he picking up? About Bucky's past, time spent inside the walls? </p>
<p>Despite supersoldier senses, Amanda managed to startle Steve and even made Bucky smile. Steve was horrible with cats, but bless his heart, he tried his best, and Amanda was her usual guarded self. She would get used to Steve, though, with time.</p>
<p>If they had time.</p>
<p>But they must have had it. Bucky had to believe that. He had believed in Steve, he only had to believe in <em> himself. </em></p>
<p>As they went around the place Steve's pose relaxed more and more. No threats, nothing dangerous, just a guy and his very ordinary place and his very ordinary ball python.</p>
<p>A test to Wakanda's success of keeping secrets was that Steve, who definitely had an eye for design, didn't pick up on the styled rugs nor the name of the snake. Or maybe it was that Steve seemed genuinely wary of Kimoyo, and Bucky couldn't help but tease him a little.</p>
<p>"Isn't he dangerous?" Steve asked, and Bucky replied, "Aren't we all?"</p>
<p>Bucky would have to tell this to Nat: the fearless leader of the Avengers was not very fond of snakes. A distant part of him was delighted at the concept.</p>
<p>Steve paid close attention to Bucky's books, his pictures, his plants, and Bucky could've watched him in return all day long. Even though his nerves were still in knots, it felt like Steve had been there all along, in Bucky's small sanctuary, belonging so naturally. </p>
<p>Bucky never wanted him to leave. </p>
<p>"You really made this place your own. I couldn't even do that in, like, five years," Steve said, showing his lack of self-esteem as he belittled his own ability to settle into his new life, and a dangerous thought entered Bucky's mind. </p>
<p>What if Bucky told him everything now? </p>
<p>There would truly be no turning back from that.</p>
<p>Worst case scenario, Steve broke up with him. But he hadn’t, not even after Halloween, after Bucky's tests, and the rational part of Bucky's brain had a hard time believing he would this time. Yet the other, irrational part of him couldn't stop screaming, because Steve... Steve was wonderful, magnificent, extraordinary; and Bucky wanted him to stay – stay forever, in fact. </p>
<p>Just like when their first night happened and Bucky thought that would be their only one, he wanted to savor it and not look at the future. </p>
<p>But if Steve kept coming over, kept making this place his too, just with his present, then no part of New York would be left untouched by him. And if he left <em> after </em> that... Bucky would have to leave too, leave this life and his heart and everything behind.</p>
<p>He had to know now, before. Before.</p>
<p>"But you filled this place with love, in such a short time, too," Steve said, giving him the perfect opening, and Bucky took a deep breath.</p>
<p>"Steve, I've been here for some time now," Bucky said, heart hammering in his throat. </p>
<p>"A couple of months?" Steve asked. "A short time to adopt, but—"</p>
<p>"More like a couple of years," Bucky interrupted before he got cold feet. </p>
<p>"What." </p>
<p>What indeed, pal. Why was Bucky doing this? </p>
<p>He didn't want to do this in the bedroom. Someplace more neutral, so he settled with the living room after getting some booze.</p>
<p>He would have to extract some of the stuff that actually worked on him from Thor, because it was a special act of cruelty to have to do this sober. </p>
<p>"You don't have to tell me if you're not ready." Steve said. So <em> gentle </em> again, always, with him: he was ready to wait, and a strange sense of calm washed over Bucky. This was the right thing to do, and that was so Steve, and now, so Bucky too. </p>
<p>Steve would stay, there was no doubt about that.</p>
<p>This test was for <em> Bucky </em>, not for him.</p>
<p>He still had to force the words out. </p>
<p>"I didn't volunteer. Look. I don't want this to be this... revelation, this, this plot twist, this grand gesture of trust - but I can't come up with a subtle way of bringing this up and I hate that it's looming over my head."</p>
<p>He just wanted it to be over with. Maybe he should've written it down first, or asked Nat– but no, Steve deserved to hear it from him and nobody else.</p>
<p>"I didn't volunteer, in Russia. I was recruited, as was everybody else my age, and y'know what? I'd been happy in the army, even. It was only... my mom and my sister.” He wished he could remember their faces. He wished he had more than some blurry tones and a faint recollection of smiles, but he’d only known them for less than two decades and that was several lifetimes ago. But he remembered loving them, and feeling loved, at least. “We had a hard time making ends meet, but then they had my pension. I could snipe really good, they made me the equivalent of a sergeant, I even got a slight raise of money. I had to train some of the young ones, get them used to the army."</p>
<p>He was so ashamed of that part, later, that he had been okay with it at first. That he <em> enabled </em> them, helped to get even more boys, because they had all been boys, not men, become killers. No matter what Aziz kept saying, he would never wash that part off of his skin.</p>
<p>"But then — then this division came, the Red Room, and they started picking out folks, looked for certain things — I got on their list because I was a good shot. But I didn't get to do any shooting for them. That, now, that was... that was where the bad things started." Wasn't that just an understatement, though. He couldn't look at Steve, because he knew the next part would hit Steve hard and he had no words of comfort to offer. "They wanted to recreate a serum that gave America, the Big Bad Enemy of Mother Russia, its best soldier. They weren't very successful, more soldiers died than survived and even then, our serum was a cheap knockoff with nasty side-effects.” He took another deep breath. “I was injected, I survived."</p>
<p>But this part hit him hard as well, not just Steve. He still felt the fire in his bones because the memory of the initial procedure was too agonizing to be fully forgotten. He'd believed he would die, strapped to the table and surrounded by unsympathetic agents; he had <em> wanted </em> to die like all the other men before him. </p>
<p>But after an eternity later he'd woken up and been told that he made it. </p>
<p>"They trained me so I wouldn't only snipe anymore. I got good money, and I still hoped I'd go home one day to my family, my sister and my mother. I wrote them letters weekly, they even encouraged that - my handlers. They said so many nice things, how I was shaping the future for my little sister, they let me daydream..."</p>
<p>He had been so... ignorant wasn't the right word. He had felt something was off with the Red Room, but something had always been off with all of Russia. So he went with it, suspecting it was a farce but being too powerless to do anything about it.</p>
<p>And there were some good parts. Other than how he had always been hungry, life hadn't been that bad at first. </p>
<p>"I trained the youngsters there too, that's how I met Natalia." Nat had been great; his little spider. He wanted to give her the best their life could offer. She had been too young to be there in the first place, and maybe they all had been, but Bucky'd especially seen his sister in her. </p>
<p>He clung to the fact that they both got out and got their life back together. They survived, they thrived. </p>
<p>None of that made it any easier to remember. To recount.</p>
<p>"Then I got a new handler, one that didn't like my fantasies much. He... he did a lot of shit to me, tried to make me the best patriot out there, but I never was a believer much..." The serum had healed all the electrocution scars, the burns, his bones that got broken. When his memories came back later, Bucky had wished that <em> these </em> wouldn't, that he could forget <em> everything </em>. "He had the brilliant idea that the best way he could turn me into one would be by killing my hopes, and he brought me photos of my mother's and my sister's corpses—"</p>
<p>He hiccupped, but when Steve reached for him, he shook his head. </p>
<p>"No, I'll never finish, I... I've told this a few times, y'know, but it never gets easier?"</p>
<p>And why would it? He barely remembered his family anymore, but the image of them mauled, frozen in blood, lifeless, <em> that </em> was burned into his retina. He couldn’t even remember their faces, just the pain he felt, and the anger; and that they had died because of him.</p>
<p>He had even asked Shuri to make that go away, but she couldn't. </p>
<p>"But those photos, those fucking photos— I almost killed my handler then and there. They had to restrain me. The asshole realized he made a mistake when I wouldn't be calmed and he had me undergo this program— it was apparently for the enemies of Mother Russia, to make people work for us. They fucking used it on me, they erased my memories, my life, my fucking everything..."</p>
<p>Bucky’s tears streamed down his face, but Steve was no better off, the both of them crying while Bucky recounted decades of being a weapon and killing whoever the Red Room wanted dead. </p>
<p>It took him years of therapy to be able to sleep at night without seeing their faces constantly. Years of Nat and Shuri and Aziz telling him that he deserved to live despite what he'd done. Sometimes he still wasn't sure. </p>
<p>He forgot his family, but not those he killed. Every single one of them haunted him.</p>
<p>And Steve, instead of flinching away from him, came closer and put his arms around Bucky, keeping him together. </p>
<p>"I underwent years of therapy and now I want to repay the help," Bucky felt he needed to clarify, to justify his motives. "I'm not as noble as you and Parker, I... I've done some bad shit—"</p>
<p>“It wasn't your fault,” Steve interrupted, and Bucky’s breath hitched.</p>
<p>How much did he himself believe that? </p>
<p>Then, of course, he had to talk Steve down from mangling the American media as a whole.</p>
<p>"My backstory would just fuel the fire — <em> why didn't he run away? see, he said he was happy in the beginning, maybe he wanted to be there! </em> — and don't say I could leave out those parts; someone'd dig them up and then everything else would be questioned too."</p>
<p>Bucky had long discussions with SHIELD, analyzing every possible scenario and outcome. He personally hadn't wanted to reveal everything to the world and have to face the relatives of those he'd killed, however cowardly it was of him. He'd been hanging to his life by a thread, back then, even if he got more stable with time. But this way SHIELD only had to deal with a smaller body count and timeframe; it was easier this way.</p>
<p>Aziz had loudly objected, but Bucky was ready to play the part of the badass foreign assassin. The public would still hate, or at the very least, distrust him, and he deserved that. </p>
<p>"And the people I killed are still dead, doesn't matter that I never wanted to kill them. I want to make up for that, if I ever can, by saving who else I can."</p>
<p>"That's all that matters," Steve said. "That you want to do good now."</p>
<p>Bucky sometimes still believed that he didn't deserve someone as good as Steve Rogers. Here Steve was, hugging him, holding him, <em> loving him </em>, and Bucky buried his face in Steve's neck. </p>
<p>“I’m so sorry any of this happened to you,” Steve said, and Bucky almost chuckled. </p>
<p>“Thank you,” he said instead, and decided it was time to reveal the rest – in for a penny, in for a pound, and all that. "I was so afraid of you when SHIELD okayed me for fieldwork," he paused, "someone said... someone said that the only thing stopping me now would be Captain America. If he didn't approve of me... that night at the Gala I was so afraid you'd take one look at me and tell me to leave."</p>
<p>Rage filled Steve, and Bucky probably shouldn't have found that as enticing as he did. "I'd never – whoever told you that?!"</p>
<p>It was tempting to throw Rumlow under the bus. Steve would've destroyed him, just like Nat would've if she knew: Steve would've confronted him openly, while Nat would've ruined his life surreptitiously. </p>
<p>It was tempting, but not worth it. He'd had enough on his consciousness, and while Rumlow was an asshole, he didn't do anything to deserve the wrath of Captain America or the Black Widow. Bucky had done enough damage already. </p>
<p>And Steve, bless him, concurred.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky thought he wouldn't be able to fall asleep that night, but he was solely mistaken. He did need to burrow deeply into his blankets and hold Steve, then he was out like a light in no time flat. </p>
<p>Steve, however, mustn't have slept more than a few minutes all night. Bucky contemplated trying something with him to help him relax – sparring, sex and a hot shower all came to mind – but he would've wrung himself dry by doing that. And he'd learned to not do that; just because he was with Steve needn't have changed it. </p>
<p>So he promised to meet him later, and then went to work on his own mental health. </p>
<p>Calming music, hot tea and a lapful of Amanda, and he was ready to sort things out in his head.</p>
<p>Steve knew, and Steve didn't run. </p>
<p>That was the most important. And the most expected, really.</p>
<p>Nat was away on a mission, so he just texted her ‘<em>Told Steve everything, he took it well’</em>. Then he checked the time zones and picked up his bracelet.</p>
<p>"The White Wolf! I haven't heard from you in a while," Shuri said, full of enthusiasm, and Bucky smiled easily at her. </p>
<p>"Yeah, I've been busy with..." Bucky trailed off, then shrugged easily. "With someone new. His name is Steve, Steve Rogers."</p>
<p>"Mhm," Shuri said. "Wait, isn't he your teammate?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, he's Captain America."</p>
<p>"Playing big, huh?" Shuri let out a laugh. "Good for you!"</p>
<p>Bucky ducked his head but couldn't hide his own grin. "Yeah, he's great."</p>
<p>"Oh, this is very serious," Shuri said, eyes widening. "How serious?"</p>
<p>"I just invited him over and told him about the Red Room," Bucky said, and Shuri sobered up.</p>
<p>"<em>Super </em> serious, then – how did he take it? How are <em> you </em> taking it?" </p>
<p>"Better than expected," Bucky admitted. "No nightmares, just the usual horrible feeling in my stomach. And he didn't take it well– I mean he didn't blame me or anything!" He rushed to add when Shuri was ready to interrupt. "He just got really stressed and knowing him, he probably also blames himself. My serum is based on his."</p>
<p>"Oh, a noble idiot like you," Shuri said.</p>
<p>"I'm not noble."</p>
<p>"Keep saying that, I'm sure that'll work."</p>
<p>"I might bake something," Bucky decided to change the topic. "Wanna tell me about something interesting?"</p>
<p>Shuri didn't need any more prompting. As Bucky picked out bowls and measured ingredients, she launched into a long tale about how T'Challa made a fool of himself in front of Nakia at an important cultural event yet again, and his thoughts began to settle. Amanda was sleeping on a chair, he was padding along sockless on a rug that Shuri had gifted him, and a new Sun was coming up to shine light on the world.</p>
<p>This is what he needed, he realized; for Steve to treat him like before, just now without Bucky's past hanging over his head. </p>
<p>Things were well.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve was staying. He wasn't running, he wasn't blaming Bucky – Rumlow had been so, so wrong. He wasn’t taking Brooklyn away.</p>
<p>Bucky had had the feeling that would be the case. But he hadn’t known how he himself would react to what essentially was Steve’s forgiveness. Not when he thought he didn’t deserve it, and when he was still on the fence about deserving Steve’s love.</p>
<p>He spent the day self-reflecting over his cooking, and came to the conclusion that he’d never felt peace like this. One day wasn’t much, sure, but it was a promising start. He was able to sit down and look into the mirror and think, “Bucky Barnes, I forgive you.” And mean it. Mostly.</p>
<p>And when he saw himself, he saw the mask that he had to wear in the Red Room and the blood on his hands, yes, but he also saw another man, a man who crept into existence in Wakanda and in New York, whom Steve Rogers loved. And he saw why, and accepted it.</p>
<p>In the following hard times, as there would inevitably be those, he would just need to hold onto this.</p>
<p>Bucky had loved Steve for months now, but now he would be able to love fearlessly. He could lose himself without losing himself, however contradictory that sounded.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Nat called him back late in the afternoon when Bucky was about ready to leave. </p>
<p>"Tell me he wasn't stupid," she said.</p>
<p>"He wasn't, you're a good judge of character." </p>
<p>"I know," she said, but still let out a sigh of relief. "But he <em> can </em> be stupid."</p>
<p>"Not arguing with that."</p>
<p>"How do you feel now?" </p>
<p>"Calmer," Bucky said. “Saner. I’m good.” <em> It wasn’t my fault. They’re dead, and I killed them, but it wasn’t my fault. </em> </p>
<p>"Good for you," Nat said, and Bucky agreed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If Steve was blaming someone, it was himself, as evidenced by the pages from the physical copy of Bucky's folder being thrown all over his suite. Bucky had suspected the blame, but not that Steve'd immediately go for the file as well. Not so soon.</p>
<p>Steve really had no self-preservation instincts, or he was a bigger masochist than Bucky suspected.</p>
<p>"JARVIS, where is he?" </p>
<p>"In the gym. Shall I call to notify him?" </p>
<p>"Not yet, I need to clean this up first," Bucky said, because it would be easier for him. He could pack everything back together without really looking at what he was doing. <em> It wasn’t my fault. They’re dead, and I killed them, but it wasn’t my fault. </em> "Has he been at it all this time?"</p>
<p>"Since he left his suite this afternoon," JARVIS said neutrally. Suspiciously neutrally.</p>
<p>Problem was, he had no idea what to do after that. He knew what worked for himself as coping mechanisms, but Steve was wired differently, and Bucky didn't want to accidentally make things worse for him.</p>
<p>"Would you call Sam Wilson for me?" He asked once the folder and all its nasty, nasty contents were back in the bottom of a drawer.</p>
<p>The line began to ring through the speaker, then Sam's voice answered.</p>
<p>"Hello?"</p>
<p>Him and Bucky had never found more common ground than the both of them liking Steve, but maybe that would be enough.</p>
<p>"Hey, it's Barnes. You got a sec?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, what'cha need?" </p>
<p>Good start; cautious but not hostile. </p>
<p>"I've had somewhat of a... troubled past," Bucky said. "Got a lot of baggage and trauma there."</p>
<p>He could say it. He said it and didn’t feel bad; if anything, he felt a different kind of weight leave him.</p>
<p><em> It wasn’t my fault. They’re dead, and I killed them, but it wasn’t my fault. </em> </p>
<p>If anybody asked, now he could tell them how he slept at night.</p>
<p>"Yeah, I hear you," Sam said, tone suddenly different; serious. "We have people at the VA who can help with that, since you and I have a conflict of interest."</p>
<p>"Thanks, but I have my therapist and I'm not switching," Bucky said, this time, smiling. "I told Steve some of it, and he's not dealing well himself."</p>
<p>"That checks out," Sam said, tone shifting from solemn to exasperated. "I've been telling him for years that punching bad guys isn't the solution."</p>
<p>"Boxing bags, this time," Bucky said as JARVIS pulled up the feed from the gym. Steve looked like he'd been doused with a bucket of water, he was that soaked through. He kept hitting the boxing bag with bloodied tapes and so much anger that Bucky's heart sank for him.</p>
<p>"Self-destruction is his primary coping mechanism, so if you can derail that, good," Sam said. "It ain't healthy." </p>
<p>"You don't say," Bucky said.</p>
<p>"I usually take him running or have him paint," Sam said. "Where he can let out the frustration in a less harmful way."</p>
<p>Bucky waved the image of Steve away and headed for the elevator.</p>
<p>"Thanks, Sam," he said. "I think I have the perfect idea."</p>
<p>"Don't mention it – what's the idea?"</p>
<p>"You don't wanna know," Bucky promised, and went to prove that it wasn’t only Steve who could love fiercely.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. I wanna be defined by the things that I love</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 15: <em><a href="https://open.spotify.com/track/1fzAuUVbzlhZ1lJAx9PtY6?si=59753735e2aa4d69">Daylight</a></em></p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="bbVIQb">
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  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>Threw out our cloaks and our daggers because it's morning now</em>
    </p>
  </div>
  <div class="ujudUb">
    <p>
      <em>It's brighter now, now</em>
    </p>
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      <em>I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you</em>
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</div><p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Spring arrived, as most New York springs did, with chilly mornings and cold winds, but the Sun was up for longer and longer each day. Natural life returned to the city gradually: the parks burst out in flowers, the trees grew out their foliage, and the pigeons flew about in even greater numbers than before. </p>
<p>Amanda shed her winter coat, covering everything she walked or laid on in a fine layer of hair, enough that half a week's shedding would have been able to make a new cat entirely. </p>
<p>The humans also shed their winter coats and took out light jackets and vests instead. </p>
<p>Bucky had never been happier to be alive, and what was even better, Steve seemed to share the sentiment as well. He settled into his bones with their marriage, or maybe even before that. Gone were their tests and the wait for the other shoe to drop, and they knew they could do anything, conquer the world together if they wanted to. </p>
<p>They didn't want to. They wanted to share breakfast and morning coffee they only drank for the taste; spar in their gym; save the world from evil creatures; bake muffins and cakes; train with their teammates; watch movies; have lots of sex; take long walks in parks while holding hands. Normal, everyday things that would've been boring with anybody else. </p>
<p>Bucky had done his fair share of running away, from Russia, even from New York. Even from Steve, back in the day, back during days that felt dark and foggy even in the middle of Summer. Even putting the days with the Red Room aside, he sleep-walked through most of his life, trying to love life but never quite managing. Not as much as he was able to now.</p>
<p>But now even the short cold days of Winter seemed bright and warm, and he would never run away from Steve, only <em> with </em> him. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Steve's phone pinged on a late March day over their French toasts, and Bucky grumbled.</p>
<p>"The rules are there for a reason, Barnes-Rogers," Bucky mock-grumbled when Steve pulled it out of his pocket.</p>
<p>"It's not social media," Steve protested. "Oh, a cat in Brad's niece's neighborhood had kittens, look!"</p>
<p>The kittens mustn't have been older than a few weeks, sporting more color variations than there were in all of Steve's oil paints: white and red, tortoise, tuxedo, calico, white with grey... </p>
<p>"Adorable buggers, aren't they," Steve said softly.</p>
<p>"They're a bit early for kitten season," Bucky observed.</p>
<p>"<em>Very </em> early," Steve agreed, scrolling back in what appeared to be the group chat of their therapy group. "Apparently the cat was supposed to be a male, so they didn't neuter it."</p>
<p>Bucky tsked, then checked the picture again which Steve had pulled back up.</p>
<p>"Shame they're too young for Amanda," Bucky mumbled.</p>
<p>"And that pink nose, look," Steve zoomed in on the tuxedo one, then looked at Bucky. "Wait, what?"</p>
<p>"Amanda'd need an older companion cat, a kitten would drive her crazy," Bucky said.</p>
<p>"Yeah, but I didn't– do you?" </p>
<p>Bucky rubbed his neck in a move that he took on from Steve. </p>
<p>"I didn't, before, because I didn't feel up for more than the one cat – and Kimoyo, but he's the lower maintenance of the two – but now? Why not?"</p>
<p>Steve stared at him, then swallowed.</p>
<p>"Do you? Would you want to get another cat? Together?" Bucky asked in a low voice. "Or a dog, or something?"</p>
<p>Steve released a breath. "I never really thought about it," he admitted, then looked back at the phone in his hand still displaying the kittens. "But now, yeah, I'd like that. It's a shame they're too young," he repeated wistfully.</p>
<p>He zoomed out of the image, and Bucky could finally see the mom behind the babies, a beautiful all-white cat with gorgeous amber eyes, and his heart leaped.</p>
<p>"The mom probably isn't, though," he said.</p>
<p>Steve raised an eyebrow at Bucky, then looked at the mom with new interest in his eyes.</p>
<p>"I can ask if she's up for adoption," he said, and Bucky nodded. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>SHIELD took its sweet time approving the new uniforms. Their designers also wanted a say, which, fine: Steve's had been more of a rough sketch, focusing on aesthetics instead of practicability. The vertical inserts on Steve's front which would allow better fit and thus motion without losing flexibility were, for example, a useful addition. However, when the patterns went from the designers to the higher ups, the fighting began – fighting over the colors, the changes, the implications, the <em> everything </em>.</p>
<p>"Cap needs more silver and red in the uniform," they said. "And the Winter Soldier can't wear blue and brown, he's known for black. Why the brown utility belts? Why the matching stars? That would make it seem like the two of them are a unit!"</p>
<p>At which point Steve had to gently remind everybody that he and Bucky were, indeed, a unit, as proven by not only their matching rings, but also them being called Barnes-Rogers.</p>
<p>Bucky had never been more glad to have agreed to the name change. </p>
<p>So that was a long, <em> long </em> fight they had to go through. SHIELD had probably thought that they'd just get tired and give up, and also tried the divine and conquer technique, i.e. coming to them separately with the issues about their respective uniforms, none of which worked. Bucky was willing to walk to the edge of the Earth with Steve, for Steve, and for this also.</p>
<p>"I'm a happily married queer man," he told one... someone on the phone. It was hard to keep track, and he missed Coulson, who sadly had no say in the matter. The most he had been able to do was to get the sketches to a practical stage via the approved designers and thereby getting ahead of the curve before the PR people got involved.  "The image of the Winter Soldier as the heartless assassin soldier of the group is outdated."</p>
<p>"I wonder when they'll realize I won't give up," Steve said conversationally after Bucky hung up. "I got into the army by sheer persistence alone, and I could barely breathe. Now it's a walk in the park."</p>
<p>The answer was April; they realized it in April, three months after Steve submitted the sketches, and three days after <em> The Times </em> featured an article celebrating Steve Rogers, the man, not the superhero, on his <em> real </em> birthday. The facade fell apart; someone had indeed checked the marriage records and told the world the truth. After that, SHIELD was willing to give the new image of Cap a try, too. </p>
<p>With the marriage records being exposed, Bucky's real age came out too. </p>
<p>"I'm surprised it took so long," he said when Rhodey forwarded them an article in the group chat about the subject. </p>
<p>"What do you want to do?" Steve asked as he read through the speculation of Bucky actually having killed more people for the Russians and why he looked so young for his age. </p>
<p>Bucky shrugged. He'd thought this would bring so much more pain, yet he felt like a weight was off of his shoulders – one of the few that remained, leftovers from an older self.</p>
<p>"I'm tempted to say nothing," he said tentatively. "I’ve never said anything because I didn't think people would believe that I wasn't with the Red Room willingly. And to be fair, how they treated my coming out and then our relationship kinda just strengthens that belief."</p>
<p>"...yet?" Steve prompted, accurately sensing that there was more to it.</p>
<p>"Yet I'm just so tired of pretending," Bucky said. "I don't have to pretend with you, the Avengers, in Wakanda – why does it need to be different? I won't even have to pretend with my new uniform. And if people don't believe my story, who cares? What does that matter?"</p>
<p>Two years ago, he couldn’t have imagined being so nonchalant about this, but a lot has changed since then. He had changed, and for the better. He not only came to terms with his past, but with himself too, and that was enough.</p>
<p>"And whoever comes after you will have to go through me," Steve agreed. </p>
<p>Bucky chuckled and cupped Steve’s face to give him a luxuriating kiss. </p>
<p>"Nah, we'll just step aside and let them roll past us, if they come. I want to focus on the things that matter, and strangers' opinions ain't it." </p>
<p>Steve smiled at him, radiant, glowing. </p>
<p>"Whatever you wish, husband."</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After getting the approval, they decided that the new uniforms would be introduced on a joint mission before the release of a relatively brief statement from SHIELD explaining that Bucky was actually held captive against his will and made to kill, and that he'd been in cryofreeze through most of the past century. </p>
<p>Immediately after that, and with his implicit blessing, Natasha leaked some of his old files to back it all up. Well, an 'anonymous source' did, but it was clearly her handywork. The few short videos, extra images and files were assembled to show the torture and the cryo, some of the punishments and how he was treated no better than a weapon throughout the decades.</p>
<p>When he saw his darkest secret scattered across the internet, Bucky first got a slight panic attack and had to lay down in a sunny spot with Amanda on his belly and just listen to loud music and wait for his heartbeat to slow and the fog to settle. </p>
<p>By that night, he was willing to send her a fruit basket with his most heartfelt thanks, because she did what he had been too afraid to do on his own.</p>
<p>He'd been carrying this in him for so, so long. He would have never had to fear Steve in the very beginning, or any of the Avengers, really, had they known – most of them had encountered some form of torture and captivity in their lives, after all, and were also just decent human beings. </p>
<p>Maybe his – and SHIELD's – line of thinking, his shame, just made the mess bigger. But hindsight was 20/20, and he would learn from it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Nobody cares about the new uniforms beyond that it's symbolic for your new, married lives," Sharon informed him over brunch in a surprisingly disappointed tone.</p>
<p>"And that's bad how?" Bucky asked. </p>
<p>"I wanted to see more videos and art about it," she shrugged. </p>
<p>"More? That implies some already exist?" Bucky asked, though he should've known better.</p>
<p>"Wait, you haven't checked the reactions?"</p>
<p>Bucky bit his lip, and Steve, who'd been listening in from a few feet away, rubbed the back of his neck when Sharon looked at him. </p>
<p>"I skimmed them," Steve said. "It seemed to be the usual, so we didn't bother."</p>
<p>"Man," Sam said empathically. "I get it, but there are some things you should see!"</p>
<p>He picked up his phone and pulled up the comments under SHIELD's statement.</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Facebook post by S.H.I.E.L.D.: Official statement on the history of James B. Barnes-Rogers</p>
<p>Comment by Tommy Harwick: This is more disturbing than anything i've read this year</p>
<p>Comment by Jamie Clear: does that mean that he also spent about ~70 years frozen, like Cap? they were born two years apart and look to be about the same age, so if you do the math...</p>
<p>Reply by Ameshaa Lee: you just made everything even more horrible, thanks</p>
<p>Comment by John Hack: this explains why he and Cap got together. talk about shared life experiences. i take back what i said before about them being a hoax and will go hide in my corner now</p>
<p> </p>
<p>"Yeah, there's a huge resurgence of acceptance of the two of you," Sharon added. </p>
<p>Steve stared at Bucky with an expression that Bucky suspected mirrored his own.</p>
<p>"Really? This is what it takes for them to accept us?" Bucky laughed. "Well, I definitely should've said all of this a lot earlier."</p>
<p>"You said it when you were ready," Steve said. "That's all that matters."</p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>"The mom cat is all happy and purring when you pet her," Bran texted. "And nobody in the neighborhood claimed her or knows where she's from. Want to meet her?"</p>
<p>Steve showed the text to Bucky, and Bucky would've loved to play it casual – instead, he nodded vehemently.</p>
<p>"When can we go?" </p>
<p> </p>
<p>They went that Thursday: just the two of them on Bucky's bike driving out to Flatbush, even passing Prospect Park, which brought back all kinds of wonderful memories about the day of their marriage. Other than that, Bucky was mostly thinking about how Amanda and the new cat would be introduced, should it come to adopting her, and it wasn't until they were almost at the address that he realized what was missing. </p>
<p>The fear, the panic, the anxiety. </p>
<p>There was only the wonder of pressing against Steve and the gradually warm Sun on his face.</p>
<p>They were adopting a cat.</p>
<p>Every time Bucky thought his life couldn't get better, it just did.</p>
<p>Brooklyn was beautiful all over, Spring crawling into the city and filling the trees with colorful flowers and wild birds. The sharp corners got dulled out by the people, young couples walking their dogs, children running around, the elderly grumbling at the world.</p>
<p>Bucky and Steve were one such couple: happy, free, together. </p>
<p>Ridiculously sappy too, Bucky was aware. To see the world so differently just because he had a partner – yet that was the nature of love, so he just sighed and decided to embrace it. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bran's sister's family lived on the second floor of a grey building in a one-way street. Even though it was a quieter part of the city, nobody batted an eye at them – the two Avengers – parking and mounting off. </p>
<p>The door was opened by a middle-aged, blonde woman with the bags under her eyes signaling some rough nights. </p>
<p>"You must be Eliza," Steve said. "I'm Steve, this is James, how do you do?"</p>
<p>She greeted them with a relieved smile. "Nice to meet you, she's upstairs, come on in."</p>
<p>"Mom cat?" Bucky asked.</p>
<p>"Everybody," Eliza answered. "Angie, my 12-year-old has been keeping watch, she barely sleeps, and you know how it is..."</p>
<p>"Neither do you?" Steve offered.</p>
<p>"Neither do I," she said, and led them up a rather narrow staircase. "So mom cat came into the yard, which belongs to the downstairs neighbor, but Angie convinced them to let her feed it. We thought it was a male, I don't even know how, and when we realized it was very much a female it was too late. So then we had to bring her in, but we don't really want a cat."</p>
<p>The reason for that became incredibly obvious when they unlocked the door at the top of the stairs, and Eliza had to bodily block the staircase from the three enthusiastic dogs trying to get out.</p>
<p>"Back, all of you!" she yelled over the barking. "All dogs back!" </p>
<p>They eventually settled and quieted, tails still wagging madly on the carpeted floor. </p>
<p>"Aww," Steve said, and Bucky was glad they came for a cat, otherwise Steve surely would've gotten all three dogs at once. "Pitt bulls?"</p>
<p>"Mixes, but mostly that," Eliza sighed. "They're good, just..."</p>
<p>"Overzealous?" Bucky offered, while Steve ruined all her progress by kneeling and petting the dogs, who scrambled all over him. </p>
<p>"To put it mildly," Eliza laughed. "They've gotten worse since the cats have been inside, with the smell and everything."</p>
<p>"We can't promise to take her," Bucky had to clarify. "We'll have to discuss, and–"</p>
<p>"I know," she waved. "My brother said as much too. It's okay, we'll find her a good home either way."</p>
<p>"Steve," Bucky called out after a few more minutes of pleasantries, when he felt like his husband had enough time with the dogs. </p>
<p>"Yeah, yeah," Steve agreed, and they followed Eliza down the hallway. Bucky appreciated that nearly every picture on the wall involved the big-eyed Angie and at least one of the three dogs. </p>
<p>Eliza blocked the dogs again and let them into the spare bathroom with a tub full of cats.</p>
<p>The kittens all had different patterns, but the same tiny sharp tails going skyward and loud, complaining meows. The mom cat lay in the middle on a towel and blinked up at them slowly.</p>
<p>"Aww," Steve said again, and crouched to her. "What a lovely lady."</p>
<p>Eliza chuckled, and Bucky smirked. </p>
<p>They barely fit next to each other in the bathroom, but mom cat was nonplussed by two unfamiliar humans looming over her. She smelled their hands and just purred when the babies crawled over her. </p>
<p>"When can they be separated?" Steve asked.</p>
<p>"Technically they could've been when they were 8 weeks old, we just didn't have the room," Eliza said. "Two have already been adopted, and this weekend another two will be as well, so."</p>
<p> "Steve, we don't have to rush," Bucky said in a low voice, and Eliza, bless her, leaned at the door and pretended not to hear them. "We could also get a dog–"</p>
<p>"We'd like a cat companion to Amanda and us," Steve said. "And Bucky, look at her."</p>
<p>Bucky did. Mom cat was already rubbing her chin on Steve's hand, visibly tired but content. A kitten was climbing up Steve's sleeve and another biting his pinkie – no wonder mom was exhausted.</p>
<p>Bucky put his own hand under her nose; the metal one. She sniffled curiously and licked him, then settled on just rubbing her face to his palm.</p>
<p>"You don't have to decide now," Eliza said.</p>
<p>Bucky looked at Steve, and Steve looked back. Bucky crooked an eyebrow, Steve cocked his head.</p>
<p>"We have," Bucky said. "We'll be keeping her."</p>
<p>
  <br/>
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</p>
<p>Deciding to bring mom cat home was much easier and faster than settling on a name. </p>
<p>They took her to the vet for a quick check-up, chip her and get her shots, then set her up in their gym to safely introduce to her to Amanda (hissing from the other side of the door), then sent a picture of her to the Avengers group chat. </p>
<p>The name suggestions started pouring in instantly.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bucky: [Image of the white cat sleeping] New, currently nameless member of the family</p>
<p>Tony: Look at that cutie! Marshmallow, she's clearly a Marshmallow.</p>
<p>Bruce: Elsa.</p>
<p>Tony: No, not that! Brucey bear, I'm disappointed in you!</p>
<p>Nat: Sarek</p>
<p>Sam: Shouldn't then she be T'Pring? </p>
<p>Clint: Emma.</p>
<p>Bruce: Who is Emma? Is she also from Star Trek?</p>
<p>Clint: No, I just like the name.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Well. Bucky didn't really expect them to find <em> the </em> name, the name that'd feel right in his chest, like Amanda’s did, but at least him and Steve got to laugh at their phones for a while. </p>
<p>"Sarek is not a bad choice," Steve said. </p>
<p>Bucky lucked at the cat, then thought about Amanda outside the door. </p>
<p>"Nah – when I got Amanda, I used stories to escape into, and it felt fitting to name her after a character that resonated with me. Now it's..." he shrugged, and Steve nodded.</p>
<p>"Yeah," Steve said. "But I veto Marshmallow."</p>
<p>"Snow?" Bucky asked, then shook his head. "Frosty?" </p>
<p>"What she reminds me of is the snow I saw in Europe, during the war," Steve said slowly, with the look of someone who was also seeing it at that moment. "Up on the mountains, when we had to camp in the cold, and it was just so crisp and so pure. Even fluffy, don’t laugh."</p>
<p>Bucky huffed, and ran his fingers through the white fur. The mom cat purred contentedly and blinked up at him slowly. </p>
<p>"Nat found me in the Alps and brought me in from the cold, and as far as I remember, the snow there was really something," he said.</p>
<p>Steve blinked at him in surprise. "Really?" </p>
<p>"Yeah. So, if you want..."</p>
<p>Steve considered him and the new cat for a moment. "Alpine?" </p>
<p>"Alpine," Bucky grinned. </p>
<p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p>Hiding became a thing of the past. Even during most of the previous year they had kept as low a profile as possible, and every time they appeared in public without camouflage brought with it some sense of nervousness. And then something shifted – maybe it was their marriage, maybe something else, Bucky couldn't have said, but what people thought of their relationship just didn't matter to him anymore.</p>
<p>He only wondered why it ever had. </p>
<p>This Spring they went out and about without wearing their undercover outfits or trying to hide their identities in any major way. They took long walks around Brooklyn, holding hands and enjoying the warming weather, just as themselves. The air felt clearer, somehow, to Bucky; his steps lighter, the lightest they've ever been. </p>
<p>Steve's shoulders were relaxed instead of tensed up, and the lines of his face signalled a smile more often than a frown.</p>
<p>Once Bucky had preferred the city at night, with the darkness covering up the flaws – his flaws. His past, his crimes. Now he wouldn't have traded the light for the world, where he could see Steve and their future together. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>"I thought the honeymoon phase was years ago with you two," Sam grumbled at them.</p>
<p>They convened at the Tower at Tony's request, even Sam coming up from DC. Steve ducked his head.</p>
<p>"We never really had that, we were so busy hiding," Bucky said. Being uncertain. Afraid, even, a lot of the time.</p>
<p>Nat coasted to them, Sharon by her side; not holding hands, but clearly in each other’s field of gravity.</p>
<p>"Your cats are so cute Sharon wants a pet too," Nat told them. </p>
<p>Bucky snorted. Amanda and Alpine still refused to be in the same room at the same time, but at least they'd stopped hissing at each other furiously. Bucky hoped they would get to the adorably cuddling phase, too, because he wanted to flood the group-chat. </p>
<p>"Not yet," Sharon protested. "I just said that maybe, should we ever move in..."</p>
<p>"Oh?" Steve asked, and Sam leaned forward, too.</p>
<p>"Yeah, it's on the table, <em> maybe</em>," Nat said, shoulders a whisper higher than her normal. </p>
<p>"Sounds great," Steve said with a nod.</p>
<p>"Let us know if you want help with moving furniture," Bucky said.</p>
<p>"And don't leave me out of the housewarming party just 'cause I'm a state away," Sam said.</p>
<p>Sharon smiled and Nat nodded. Sharon launched into a story about her latest field mission, drawing Sam and Steve in. Bucky met Nat's eyes and shuffled closer.</p>
<p>"Maybe we want both feet in now," she said in a low voice. </p>
<p>"I get that," Bucky said. "I'm happy for you."</p>
<p>"I know," Nat gave into a smile. "You're bad influence."</p>
<p>"Me?" Bucky feigned surprise, but Nat just huffed.</p>
<p>"You both."</p>
<p>Bucky's eyes found Steve, but really, they never even left him. Where else was there to look? </p>
<p>Nat patted his arm. "Yeah, exactly."</p>
<p>Everybody was there, including Rhodey and even Thor, and plus ones where applicable – only Tony and Pepper were missing. Bucky watched the Avengers mingle in the common living room: Peter was miming something that had Bruce looking mildly worried and Clint doubling over with laughter; Scott and Hope were deep in discussion with Jane, no doubt about some scientific marvel (Bucky had no idea why most of his friends happened to be scientists, but he wasn't protesting); Vision and Wanda leaned close to each other to be able to hold hands while Pietro sometimes dashed away from them to steal something from the kitchen. </p>
<p>Bucky remembered the first time they met some of the group at a fundraiser a couple of years back. He had been looking from the sidelines then, and feared that he'd never belong; he'd been so worried to meet them, especially Steve, and now…</p>
<p>Now he was among family.</p>
<p>Tony waltzed in with a flurry and Pepper on his arm.</p>
<p>"Hi, yes, hello, thank you for coming over," he said, and everybody turned to meet them. </p>
<p>"Late from your own party, Tones," Rhodey tsked. </p>
<p>"It's not a party, it's just an informal get-together of friends," Tony said defensively. "Look at us!"</p>
<p>They were indeed wearing loose loungewear, and Pepper even had her hair up in a loose, messy bun, something that Bucky'd never seen on her, not even on movie nights.</p>
<p>Nat gasped at her. "Pepper!"</p>
<p>Everyone turned to stare at Nat, but she was looking intently at Pepper.</p>
<p>"Are you–"</p>
<p>Pepper blushed a shade of pink that brought out her freckles. "Yes," she said, and a hand wandered over to her belly.</p>
<p>Her belly, which, while obscured by her sweater, was definitely rounder than before.</p>
<p>"Congratulations!" and Nat was on Pepper, hugging her gently but passionately.</p>
<p>Surprised exclamations broke out amongst the group, and Tony held onto Pepper's hand even more fiercely.</p>
<p>"Yeah, we, um, wanted you to find out from us," he said nervously. </p>
<p>"Tony, come here," and Rhodey drew him into a crushing embrace. </p>
<p>One by one they hugged Tony and Pepper who both radiated a similar amount of joy and bashfulness, and Bucky’s heart could have bursted from happiness for them.</p>
<p>"We won't be able to keep it on the low for much longer," Pepper said. "I'm surprised nobody gossiped about me scheduling meetings later than normal anyway!"</p>
<p>"How far–"</p>
<p>"I'm at the end of my first trimester," she said. "We wanted to be safe."</p>
<p>Tony rolled on the balls of his feet back and forth.</p>
<p>"Rhodey, honeybear, my platypus – will you be the godfather?"</p>
<p>Rhodey froze for a moment before erupting in a Cheshire cat grin. </p>
<p>"Of course, Tones!"</p>
<p>Pepper smiled at them and turned to the others in a low voice while Tony and Rhodey clung to each other.</p>
<p>"He's been so nervous about this, you wouldn't believe it."</p>
<p>Looking at Tony, Bucky <em> could </em> very well believe it. </p>
<p>Change, however good, was a frightening thing that required a lot of courage. He and Steve glanced at each other fondly: Spring brought new life and new hope with it wherever they looked.</p>
<p>Tony, of course, dealt with it with his usual way. Once Rhodey let him go, he clasped his hands and raised his head.</p>
<p>"Right. The media will find out soon, which means – I will be the most talked-about Avenger once again!"</p>
<p>He looked at Steve with a clear challenge, but he couldn't fool anybody there. Steve answered with his own forgiving smile.</p>
<p>"It was time somebody pushed us out of the spotlight anyway," he said, and squeezed Bucky's hand. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please note that this is no way intended to be speculation about Taylor Swift's life. I focused on the lyrics only and span my own tale with that in mind. </p><p>ETA: So this is it! But I still have a few oneshots planned/started for other TS tracks, so stay tuned :)<br/>Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos, your encouragement means a lot to me ^^ &lt;3</p><p>If the images don't load and you'd like to see them, here's the <a href="https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bacm-gdaXs7JR4A-lXw-kOpDQw3TTjJj/view?usp=sharing">PDF version</a> that you can download.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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